How Do I Handle a Serial Winker?
October 7, 2008 by Sweet Hot Counsel
Q: My senior associate supervisor keeps winking at me, which kind of makes me uncomfortable. (I’m male, married, 28, she’s only a few years older than me, and I think single.) Other than the winking thing, she’s been pretty normal. And I know it sounds stupid, but I’m not 100% sure it’s winking vs. an involuntary twitch because she does it kind of a lot. Should I confront her about it? Or just run it by HR? She’s also always given me good reviews and I don’t want to screw up my next one. I just get uncomfortable every time she winks and don’t want to give her the wrong idea. Help.
A: Wait, I need some clarification here—she’s not batting her eyes at you, or dropping nonstop double entendres, or, say, groping your balls in the copy room, but she is maybe winking at you occasionally in what seems to be a platonic way—which you can’t even confirm isn’t actually some sort of errant involuntary twitch? Is this the situation we’re dealing with? Because if that’s the case, I’m not quite sure if I should sympathize with you—or ask for your work address so I can come pay a visit and slap you.
Putting the latter aside, and assuming your supervisor isn’t, in fact, twitching uncontrollably, it sounds like she’s just trying to be friendly. I mean, what am I missing here? She’s your supervisor, and it sounds like she’s pretty young, so she’s probably just trying to act like “one of you” and show that she gets what you’re going through. She’s being nice—you should consider yourself lucky that she’s making eye contact at all, no less making an effort to add a little flourish.
Still, you’re saying that you’re uncomfortable around her, so that does need to be addressed. But do you really think going to HR is going to solve anything? What are you going to tell them—“My supervisor, who doesn’t flirt with me or say inappropriate things, is harassing me by (maybe) winking at me in a totally nonsexual way”? That’s a waste of their time—and a slap in the face to legitimate sexual harassment claims everywhere. Would you even have sent this question in if the supervisor in question was a straight male?
And as far as confronting her directly, do you really want to open that Pandora’s box? How will that convo, go exactly? “I get uncomfortable when you’re…nice to me”? After that, she may not screw you over on future reviews per se, but you can pretty much guarantee she won’t work with you again—and will likely spread it around to the other seniors that you’re a hypersensitive wanker who’s best avoided.
So, just calm down, tone down the alarmist PC bit, and just focus on your work. And while you’re at it, you may want to mull over the larger question: Why are you so bothered by a little winking? Could it be that you’re having feelings for her unbecoming of a married supervisee and that’s what’s making you uncomfortable? Hmm? Something to think about.
Need advice? Email our Sweet Hot Counsel at counsel@sweethotjustice.com.
Agreed. This guy is a total putz. The woman may have trouble with dry-eye, or worse yet, ill-fitting contact lenses. He should get over the fact that somehow this woman might be coming on to him. If she were, there are a lot better ways of doing so. I would have told him not to worry unless and until the woman pulled her dress over her head and said “look at my little winkie!” But you are more diplomatic than I am.
Even if she IS winking in a very NON-platonic way….who the hell reports that?!?! You’re the guy…man-up, dude! My boss acts like an ass all the time…Should I confront him and say “you make me feel uncomfortable when you act like an ass all the time”? I’m with Sweet Hot Counsel…wait until she grabs your married junk…then you have something to worry about. Until then, you sound like a pansy.
You don’t got to human resources for a stupid wink. You go when your ah*le boss rubs your thigh in a meeting and asks you about your sex life. B.S. whiny idiot claims like this demeans the system that was implemented to protect legitimate claims in the first place. Shame on you.
The last woman I remember winking at me a bunch was a business PhD in the admissions department of a B-school. The way she carried herself reminded me of a very successful business man I met in the Dallas area. I think my french buddy with me at the time was made a little uncomfortable by the winking (but he wasn’t the buyer), so I understand this associate’s feelings, even if I don’t share them.
These two people I mentioned are my only associations with winking, and I liked both people. Remember the movie IRobot with Will Smith, and how the robot asked what a wink meant and Smith responded that it was a “sign of trust.” This guy just needs to reassociate the wink, which he interprets as a sexual innuendo, to a sign of trust. If the wink is intentional, that is most likely how his supervisor means it.