Lawyer-Hot or Hot-Hot?

October 20, 2008 by  

I should’ve known better. I should’ve just left the pimping to the professionals and none of this would’ve happened. But it did. It started this past weekend when I was having brunch at City Bakery with my newly single, ex-BigLaw friend, Max, and I suggested a perfect set-up for him: She’s a fourth-year in my firm, cute, funny, just transferred in from the Paris office and doesn’t know anyone. Max’s first question, of course:

“Is she hot?”

“Well, I guess. Yeah. Definitely. She’s adorable.”

“What, like, a 7? Or are we talking 8, 9?”

Gross. “I don’t know, Max. A ‘7,’ maybe? Whatever. She’s hot.”

He cocked an eyebrow. “Yeah, but is she lawyer-hot or hot-hot?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Is she hot for a lawyer or hot for a, you know, real person?”

I wanted to smack him, but he had a good point. The girl—Paris girl—is indeed one of the more attractive people at the firm. But stick her on your average street corner in New York or L.A. on a Sunday afternoon and she probably wouldn’t turn as many heads as she does at the firm. If any. Smack-worthy or not, Max was right: The metric for hotness definitely changes the second you walk out the door of your firm.

So, of course, this got me wondering: How do I stack up—inside the firm and outside?  I mean, I’m a few light years away from being, say, a supermodel, but people don’t necessarily scream and run in the other direction when they see me walking down the street (or at least the hallways of my firm), either. What does that make me? A Lawyer “5”? “6”? A Real World “4”? How do you even quantify something inherently unquantifiable in the first place?

I asked Max what he thought my magic number would be, suggesting that I was maybe a Lawyer “4.”

He actually recoiled, grimacing, and looked at me as if I’d just suggested he chop off his penis and save it for dinner.

“Jesus Christ, you’re not that bad. Lawyer 4 is…is…” He shuddered. “Lawyer 4 is Steve Buscemi in drag.”

“Oh. OK, well thanks—“

“Give yourself at least a 5.”

Give myself at least a 5. Excellent. Thanks, Max. I’ll do that. And then I’ll give myself a bathtub and drown myself in it.  I mean, my God, are things that bad? I admit that working at the firm has drastically reduced my ability to care about my clothes, my looks and my, well, overall physical self, but am I now really just one step higher than…Steve Buscemi in a dress?

I said goodbye to Max, vowed never to set him up with any person ever again in my lifetime, and left City Bakery feeling more depressed than usual. But then it hit me: Max’s theory has an upside, doesn’t it? I work at a law firm, and, as Max so charmingly pointed out, we’re graded on a pretty steep curve once we get inside the building.  And I may not be at the very top of that curve, but I think (hope? pray?) I’m a respectable distance from the bottom, too. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but—at least in this one warped, sad little way—it looks like working at the firm has actually made me more attractive. I felt, if not better, then at least comforted. Until I got to work the next day.

Sitting on my desk as soon as I walked in was the just-delivered copy of the new first-year facebook—the one the firm hands out every Fall showcasing the pictures and vital stats of the newly arrived crop of first-year associates. Within a few hours of its hitting their desks, most of the firm’s veteran associates comb through it and note who the hottest prospects are, for work and for play. And I admit, I’m no different.

Just as I started flipping through the facebook, I noticed my buddy, Pete, standing in my doorway, laughing. “You beat me to it,” he said, waving his own copy of the facebook at me. He sat down and we did a page-through, scoping out potential targets. Asian guy from U. Chicago who clerked for the Fifth Circuit and likes opera and competitive chess. Whatever. Perky blonde girl who used to be in the Peace Corps before getting her JD/LLM at NYU. Pete was intrigued, but put off by the Peace Corps thing. Preppy-looking, cute-ish Stanford guy who used to be an i-banker before law school and enjoys cooking and international travel. Hmm, dog-eared that page. So far, though, there was no one out of the ordinary—no one we hadn’t already seen a hundred times over at the firm. At every firm. And then we saw page 32.

Staring back at us was the smiling face of a truly, truly gorgeous girl. An objectively, real-world, glossy-magazine hot girl. Not lawyer-hot. Hot-hot. Long wavy hair, creamy skin, perfect smile and huge, wide-set pool-blue eyes. And just in case that wasn’t enough, she’s double-Yale, worked at Vanity Fair for two years in between degrees, and is interested in “photography” and “exploration.” I’d never seen anyone like her at the firm, or hell, in a five-block radius of the firm.

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Pete laughed, grabbing the book out of my hands to get a closer look. “Damn, she’s hot.”

“Yeah, for a lawyer,” I snorted, looking down at my shirt and realizing I had a small piece of bacon stuck on my left boob from this morning’s breakfast.

Pete raised his eyebrows and shot me a quick look. “For anybody.”

“I guess. It’s just a picture, though.”

“Yeah, a hot picture.” His eyes were actually starting to glaze over.

“It could be Photoshopped.” I grabbed the book back. “Look, see, she has absolutely no lines on her face at all—”

“Maybe she didn’t actually go to law school…?” Pete wondered aloud, not even remotely listening to me, trying to figure out how such a perfect creature could possibly be working at a law firm. As a lawyer.

Before I could offer an answer, he was already up and halfway out the door.

“What floor’s she on again?”

“Thirty-eight.”

He smiled and ran his hands through his hair. “Got an errand on thirty-eight,” he laughed. And then he was gone.

So, there it is, friends. We’re screwed. Or rather, I’m screwed. I don’t even know this girl and I already want to push her down a stairwell. I thought things were bad at the firm before, but I least I took comfort in knowing I was swimming a little ahead of the curve. But when a girl like this shows up, the curve gets totally blown to hell. Bill Gates has shown up at the science fair and my gutsy little papier mâché rendering of a microchip is looking a little rough around the edges. Now, thanks to this new chick, this Goddess, Esq., I can’t even enjoy being a Lawyer “5.” Now, I have to get used to being relegated to a Lawyer “2.” That, or lateral to a different firm.

Preferably one with a Steve Buscemi fan club.

Comments

75 Responses to “Lawyer-Hot or Hot-Hot?”

  1. da bonis on November 10th, 2008 9:27 am

    Many people at tier 2 schools are hot

  2. Alex Hump on November 10th, 2008 4:55 pm

    I doubt it, as I define HOT by Hollywood (not Bollywood) standards. Unless the babe looks like Charlize Thereon, she is NOT hot.

  3. Petra Peckerlicker on November 13th, 2008 4:46 am

    Why cant we see or make comments to Legal Pervert Parts I and II? Didn’t anyone read these posts? Please to get this website up and running correctly. We enjoyed these 2 posts and would like to see the comments and make some ourselves. I personally do not believe taking it up the rear endis perverted if done with love.

  4. Alex Hump on November 13th, 2008 8:34 am

    Petra, do you want to date me? I’ve been looking for a girl like you for some time and am very loving.

  5. Petra Peckerlicker on November 17th, 2008 10:50 am

    Sorry Alex, I don’t think I would want to go out with a guy whose name is Hump. If we were ever to marry, I dread how the wedding announcement would read.

  6. Alex Hump on November 21st, 2008 2:00 pm

    Petra, I don’t have your e-mail address. I love your name, though and hope you live up to it if we ever do go out on a HOT date.

  7. Petra Peckerlicker on November 24th, 2008 4:01 am

    Very original, but I am not impressed. If I had a nickel for every guy who gave me that line, I could buy a diamond tiara. And no, I would not do that with you, especially since I have a pretty good idea where THAT has been (YUK). So you will have to go on holding your own, cuz that is not for me. Sorry, fella.

  8. Wimbleton's Top Prick on November 24th, 2008 4:20 pm

    I don’t believe any of this crap. Why cancel the ability to post on the second one? Is she afraid of something? I wonder if you pronounce Ian as ee-yan or eye-an. Wink wink.

  9. Wimbleton's Top Prick on November 24th, 2008 4:52 pm

    I think it is funny that with as little time as we have to ourselves we make posts to this lame @$$ site. If there is any irony that is it. We should all get a life.

  10. Petra Peckerlicker on November 25th, 2008 5:49 am

    Easy, Wimbleton, we like this site and a hairy ball-sack like you ought not comment like that about our heroes. You are likely nutless, anyway.

  11. Newbie on December 3rd, 2008 9:39 am

    For all the women out there, I have a question I would really like you to think about. When have you ever actually wanted to date Eileen’s real man? A nice guy that treats you well is passed up for a guy who’s not a complete jerk and can buy you whatever color box you prefer. That’s just the way it is.

    Oddly enough, I was the hot guy at the firm AND went out with the hot woman once. My downfall was being nice to her. As long as I ignored her she was interested.

  12. Keely on June 4th, 2009 8:39 pm

    I know this is an old post, but I just wanted to say that you lot are truly, truly pathetic. I am sixteen years old and have never met a person as immature as the average commenter on this post. Grow up, and thanks for convincing me not to go into law.

  13. Anonymous on March 21st, 2010 3:46 pm

    I’m so sick of these jealous women lawyers who hate on the pretty lawyers. We worked too. And it is funny how the men feel entitled. Delusional.

  14. P3 on March 22nd, 2010 6:30 am

    Of couse men are entitled to feel same. We spent 3 years after college for the degree. If we pursued a PhD, we would have the same degree in 3 or 4 years and all kinds of undergraduategirls for sex. We got none of that, so we want at least to get older more mature women for sex.

  15. P. Dreck on March 25th, 2010 7:28 am

    Men who have JDs should have their pick of women. Women should be happy to date(marry) a guy with a JD. They will have a shot at a good lifestyle even if the guy turns out to be an ass, and they can get a divorce and a good settlement.

  16. Juniper on September 8th, 2010 4:27 pm

    Ladies, ladies. Listen up. As the only female at my firm for ages, I ended up befriending a lot of these JD’s hot wives and girlfriends. I learned something fundamentally awesome that helped me let go of the angst.

    Every, single, one of these women were getting side action. Without fail. You honestly believe these women can forget all their needs of hotness for a wallet? Hell no! They LOVE their JD husbands and boyfriends. They get all the money they need to keep up their wardrobes, their boob jobs (nothing wrong with that), their shoes that helps them pull the hot guys while their husbands are hard at work.

    This is how I met my uber hot, non JD, husband. Hanging out with these ladies, even if I had to jump on the grenade, I still ended up with a hottie!

    Now, at company parties my husband joins the boys club and laughs as they talk shit about the women in the office. He knows that while they brag about how hot their women are, their women are over in the corner with me saying things like, “marrying for money is the toughest job out there”, “I only drink when I sleep with my husband. I stay sober for the pool boy”, and “Two things get me off. 180k a year and the 180 pounds of man flesh I picked up last night.” (All things I have heard from my friends).

    These hotties ARE happy to marry a JD! A guy with a ton of money, too ugly to get stolen away by any other woman, and too busy to catch them with any of their boy toys. Your absolute best bet is to befriend them. Hang out with them. Because near hot girls are hot guys, and I don’t mean the trolls you (we) work with every day. Don’t be jealous. The ladies are a lot of fun and know where to find hot guys that know how to please a woman.

  17. DH on September 9th, 2010 2:55 pm

    What a strange culture law is. Makes me glad to be a Ph.D. scientist.

  18. Dustin Aaron Sanchez on September 10th, 2010 6:04 pm

    my friend from El Paso, Texas says “city pretty…or desert pretty”

    lawyer pretty? sure….whatever

  19. Cypress on September 15th, 2010 11:59 am

    No matter how hot she is…

    Someone, somewhere, is tired of her shit.

  20. Michelle on October 8th, 2010 11:20 am

    Having worked in media/news and the corporate world for a few years before returning to law school, two things stood out about the guys there:

    1. they were all either securely married, laid-back, quiet, and tended to end up in non-firm businesses after graduation, OR

    2. they were quite impressed with themselves, still cripplingly insecure, rather unpolished, had unimpressive social skills, seemed pretty entitled, and were, with one or two exceptions, average-to-unattractive in looks.

    Most female lawyers, knowing the lay of the land, weren’t interested in these Category 2 guys because we are in it as well and know (a) you have a lot of student loan debt, (b) you aren’t making as much as you tell people you are, unless you’re at a big firm where we’ll never see you, and (c) you’re probably from a less-than-middle-class background, have a chip on your shoulder, a lot to prove, and a sense that a law degree entitled you to an investment banker lifestyle and supermodel women, despite being little more than a glorified service person. I’m a lawyer too, I have no illusions about what that entails.

    We also know that unless you love practicing, you’re likely to burn out, go off the rails, screw a few paralegals behind our backs, blow half of that partnership bonus on a drug/gambling/prostitute/bad investment habit, and give us herpes before you decide that you want to “get out” and “find yourself” and ditch us with your 2 demon-spawn to run off to Maui with your second paralegal wife and open a sea-side bar where you dispense malpractice-worthy legal advice on the side.

    On the other hand, some of the fugliest, meanest, most obnoxious guys in my graduating class had hot non-law girlfriends who were dating them because those girls thought “lawyer” = “rich someday” and were looking forward to a marriage where they didn’t have to raise kids, wash hubby’s skidmarked boxers AND hold down a third shirt at the corner convenience store to make ends meets. Can’t fault them there. They just don’t know. So they hung in and hung out and now show up at alumni events ticked about how their husband’s bosses aren’t paying more and looking unhappy (most of them – some did genuinely love their guys. Two of them.)

    I only date business guys, science guys, medical guys. They all come with their own issues, sure, but having seen the kitchen were lawyers are made, I can officially say that i will not be dining at that establishment ever in my life. And I think that’s a big part of the problem – a lawyer guy who feels he deserves worship from girls for his job title is going to have to look outside the legal field to find anyone ignorant enough to give it to him.

  21. Michelle on October 8th, 2010 11:24 am

    And I second Juniper’s post. That is how I met my SO. Dead on.

  22. Anonymous on October 10th, 2010 2:24 pm

    Michele, you really sound bitter; and/or like you need to get laid, bad.

  23. Miketheoldlawyer on September 1st, 2011 6:04 pm

    I’m fifty-something. I’m divorced, not rich and not beautiful, and I have no illusions about what men lawyers are all about. I am one. My advice to women lawyers is to stay the f away from male attorneys. We don’t make as much as people think.(You know that already.) We are more likely to burn out, develop addictions and become emotionally crippled, unavailable asses by the time we are in our fifties than men in other professions. The reason for this I believe is that most men go to law school because they think it is the path to riches, prestige and an interesting life. When they find out it is the grind it really is, they flake out. If you don’t like the law, helping people, listening to people, and being a human being, the law can be a life-long, soul sucking slog. There is little glory and the riches are not doled out evenly by any means. And the richest lawyers are often not the best attorneys, nor all that ethical, interesting or nice. Marry a nice doctor or an airline pilot. They work too much also, but the asshole factor in medicine and aviation seems a lot lower.

  24. Lisse on June 21st, 2014 2:49 pm

    @Keely You sound discerning. Seriously, don’t go into law. I’m fairly disgusted by these comments as well, especially the gross sexist essentialist b.s coming from some of the male attorneys here.

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