How Do I Handle Running into a Partner on JDate?
October 22, 2008 by Sweet Hot Counsel
Q: I just spotted a recently divorced partner from my floor on JDate. His pictures are those book-jacket professional-seeming kind and he lists “swinging 
” as one of his interests. When he checks who’s viewed his profile, he’ll see that I checked him out. I see him all the time around the floor and work with him occasionally (but not right now). Do I bring it up to him the next time I see him or just ignore the elephant in the room?
A: Listen closely: Unless the elephant in the room has sat on your face to the point where you are going to expire within nine seconds, do not—I repeat, do not—mention the online sighting to the partner. There is zero upside.
Well, actually, that’s not entirely true—I should back up a bit. Is he hot? Fun? Young(-ish)? In other words, is he someone you’d want to date—or at least have a “swing” with? If the answer is yes, then sure, go ahead and mention it, but make sure you’re incredibly clear about your reason for mentioning it, i.e. be flirty, so he gets the idea that you’re into his profile and not, as I’d imagine he’d expect you to be, horrified and embarrassed. Ask if it was him, then quickly compliment some aspect of the profile and smile, and he should realize that you’re giving him a greenlight….to what, lord only knows. (You’ll have opened that Pandora’s box and you’ll have to live with the outcome.)
I’m assuming, however, that you’re not interested in dating/swinging with this guy, given that he’s (a) a rebounding partner and (b) using emoticons next to the word “swinging” on an online dating service. If that’s the case, you may not, under any circumstances, even if he asks you directly about it, admit that you checked out his profile. If you mention it to him, he’ll either think you’re flirting, or he’ll realize that you’re not and the awkwardness will not only be hideous, it’ll also be entirely of your own doing and he’ll inevitably blame you for his embarrassment. If you don’t mention it, even if he’s 100% positive that you did see him online, he’ll probably be grateful for the discretion and will forget about it in no time. (You, on the other hand, will likely always have the image of his “swinging ” singed into the more disturbing recesses of your mind. Sorry.)
So, just put this unwitting little online encounter out of your mind, let the poor divorced guy walk away with a little dignity (or ongoing delusion, as the case may be), and let that elephant fend for itself. But maybe, you know, switch over to Match.
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I say stay away from this guy unless you are interested in humping him. You know he is out looking for kosher meat. If you want to be that meat, fine. Otherwise, there’s no point in even bringing it up. He’s probably seen your profile too, and the fact that you don’t see him contacting you is some pretty cogent evidence that he does not view you as worth it.
2 other comments. Men do not usually sit on women’s faces (unless the woman is into some weird stuff/S&M). I don’t like women doing that to me, either. And there could well be an “elephant in the room”–this fat chick musing over the recently divorced partner.
If this woman is really attractive, the partner may well find her intriguing, but as seen elsewhere on this site, it is probably a losing proposition for this woman lawyer to try and date this male partner. He’s probably on the hunt for fresher (if not also kosherer) meat.
this is sad. i highly doubt the partner’s some amazing catch whose even in a position to reject you. he’s probably just some sad old man whose wife just left him because he works so much and he’s trying to be “cool” by going online where all the youngins are.
The woman here could probably approach the partner, but then he’d get ideas. Lonely guys (even law firm partners) will jump at anything that pays attention to them, even if the woman is not a beauty. So I think the woman should not approach the guy at all unless she wants to risk him following her around like a hungry puppy.
I actually feel bad for the partner. But Wilbur’s right — give him an inch and he might mistake it for a mile. Don’t go there.
Jesus. Can you delete your profile before he sees the view? RUN!
I’m with John…run and hide. OR take down your picture and put up one of someone else…then never speak of it again.