Do I Bail on the Firm Holiday Party?

Q: Despite hard times in the world of BigLaw, my firm will have a holiday party this year, but I don’t want to go.  I’m a first-year associate, so the event would ideally be a great opportunity to make a good impression on partners and decrease my chances of getting booted in the next round of layoffs.  In fact, I’ve been told that attendance and intra-firm networking at events like this one is where one gets a reputation as a “team player,” even more so than at work.  I’m not one to turn down an open bar, but two potential pitfalls present themselves.  First, I tend to take the concept of “all you can drink” seriously. I woke up nearly every post-event morning of my summer associate gig wondering what verbal diarrhea I had spewed the night before (although I still got the offer).  Second, I’m very much single, so I not only lack a date to keep me in check, but I also run the risk of a drunken inter-office hook-up, whether initiated by me or by a female attorney.  As a firm believer in not shitting where I eat, I don’t want to hurt any feelings or get a rep as the office manwhore three months into the gig because I have poor impulse control.

Should I avoid the party by lying about some previous engagement and risk getting pegged as a guy who doesn’t play well with others, or should I suck it up and run the very real risk of making a fool of myself? The split-the-baby solution of making a short appearance seems reasonable (even if I run the risk of finding that I like it and staying), but the general question remains: how mandatory is the holiday party? [Read more]

Do I Really Need to Donate to a Client’s Charity?

Q: I’m a junior associate and the I’ve been last-minute invited to a huge fundraising dinner event for the pet charity of one of the firm’s biggest clients. I was only invited because the billing partner needed bodies to fill the table (I did a ton of work for this client last year but have never met them). I said I’d go but one of the other juniors going just told me that in situations like this, the lawyers are expected to make a donation to the stupid charity to “show their support” for the client. That can’t be serious, right? And even if it is, they mean the partners, not a third-year like me, right? I can barely make my rent and loan payments and I kind of figure that the 1000 or so hours I billed last year for the client was my “donation.”  Right? I just don’t want to be embarrassed, though.  Advice? [Read more]

Pervert, Esq.: Part Two

[Click here for Part One of "Pervert, Esq."]

He gets back into the bed, leans over me, pushes a stray strand of hair away from my eyes and smiles. “So, I have something I wanted to tell you all night.”  He’s grinning and I cannot believe I’m actually going to start a relationship with a partner—the Hot Partner.

“Over in that closet over there…”  He’s smiling and starts kissing my neck.  I’m giggling along with him.  I can barely hear him.  Something about a closet.  This is a dream.  It’s about time; I deserve this, I do.

“…I have…”  This is heaven.  Seriously.  Maybe we’ll even go get breakfast tomorrow.  Is it awkward if we show up to work at the same—

“…a strap-on.”

Pardon? [Read more]

Pervert, Esq.: Part One

There are so many social interactions with BigLaw Partners that can be tough for an associate to navigate: digging yourself out of a conversational black hole with a drunk one at the firm’s holiday party, trying to avert your eyes from one’s soggy old ball sac staring you in the face at a 7 a.m. workout at the office gym, running into one at the Four Seasons with a companion who’s clearly charging by the hour.  None, however, is trickier than one that finds you bouncing around naked on top of one them in a sweaty, groping marathon of intra-firm sexcapades. [Read more]