Pervert, Esq.: Part One
November 3, 2008 by Legal Tease
There are so many social interactions with BigLaw Partners that can be tough for an associate to navigate: digging yourself out of a conversational black hole with a drunk one at the firm’s holiday party, trying to avert your eyes from one’s soggy old ball sac staring you in the face at a 7 a.m. workout at the office gym, running into one at the Four Seasons with a companion who’s clearly charging by the hour. None, however, is trickier than one that finds you bouncing around naked on top of one them in a sweaty, groping marathon of intra-firm sexcapades.
By all accounts, Ian is the “hot partner” at my firm. He’s a former tech wunderkind who made equity partner out of the gate by 34, has been quoted in everything from Wired to WSJ, and is rumored to have once dated the brunette with the mole on her lip from Las Vegas. He’s also semi-hot by real-world standards, which in BigLaw Land pretty much puts him on a par with the love child of David Beckham and George Clooney. So when I found out I was staffed on a huge tech restructuring deal that he was heading up, I was more than curious; I was actually looking forward to it.
The deal started off ordinarily enough: 80-hour weeks of diligence and endless nights of Red Bull and pad thai. Hardly any Ian contact. The other associates on the deal had all worked with him before and warned me not to be insulted if Ian ignored me entirely in meetings or hallways.
So, imagine the scene when, at 11:30 one night, after a string of all-nighters, Ian stopped by the conference room where a bunch of us were proofing the latest redlines of the asset purchase agreement, headed right to me, patted me on the back, and said the unimaginable: “Alright, these two jokers can finish up the distro on the reds. You, me, downstairs in 10 minutes. Cocktail break.” The midlevels turning the docs with me swung their heads up as if Ian had just asked if anyone was up for a quick blow job. Before I could even respond with something that came out as a cross between an “um” and a snort, he was gone.
What the hell? Is this for real? This sort of thing just doesn’t…happen. At least not to me. And is this some sort of date? It couldn’t be—isn’t it taboo for partners to date associates, especially associates who are working for them? Also, even if it is a date, why would he pick me? He’s the Hot Partner and is legitimately attractive—he should be out J-dating fashionistas or biz dev girls, not lowly, sleep-deprived BigLaw drones like me.
Sure enough, though, he was waiting for me downstairs ten minutes later. We went to a bar right across the street with a decidedly sexy vibe. Ian ordered a VT for me a caipirinha for himself. A few drinks later, we’re laughing and flirting and he’s telling me about his childhood in Atlanta and keeps asking about me, about my goals and favorite TV shows. I’m actually in crush. And now his knee is brushing against mine and I can’t believe that I’m sitting here getting wooed—I mean, it seems like wooing, doesn’t it?—by one of the Firm’s Most Wanted. I thought my fellow BigLaw associates had been jealous when I hit my hours by September; this’ll send ’em into a frenzy.
And then, of course, his Blackberry starts to buzz. He apologizes and excuses himself to go make a quick call. Goddammit. The agreement’s probably back, along with the reality of my crappy BigLaw life. And then, THEN, the unimaginable happens…again: Ian tells me the other side won’t have the agreement back until morning, so we’re off the hook for tonight. And, I’m probably tired, but if I want, we could totally continue the cocktails down at his loft, if I’m up for it?
I actually do hesitate for a split second—he’s not just a coworker; he’s kind of my boss. Isn’t this a recipe for disaster? Either way, we’ve already crossed the initial border of inappropriate partner-associate contact, so if there’s any harm in the situation to begin with, it’s already happened, right? Can’t unwind that clock.
We get back to his gorgeous loft and he pops open a bottle of rosé Veuve. He rolls up his sleeves and I notice the tip of a tattoo peeking out on his forearm. He blushes and tells me it’s a cartoon rocket, a commemoration of the time he apparently worked as an engineer at NASA before becoming a lawyer. I die. I can imagine the phone call to my mother in a couple of weeks: “Time to stop worrying that I’m going to wind up a spinster lesbian, because—guess what?!—I’m seeing a guy who is not only hot, is not only an equity partner at one of the biggest firms in universe, but is also—hello—a freakin’ rocket scientist!!” I mean, this is too much.
Kicking any straggling reservations about impropriety to the curb, I put down my glass, climb onto the sofa and straddle his lap, asking “Is this awkward?” in my best imitation of a coy, sexy person. Then, bam, clothes are flying and he keeps checking in with me to make sure that I’m OK with “this” and I could just die over how thoughtful he is to even ask. Afterward, he gets me water and tells me that he hopes I’ll stay the night. I just melt. He hopes I’ll stay the night?! You see, this kind of stuff doesn’t usually happen to me. Usually, at this point in my love non-life, our hero would be zipping up his cargo pants and asking me for five bucks for subway fare back to Astoria and a quick falafel. I’m spinning.
He gets back into the bed, leans over me, pushes a stray strand of hair away from my eyes and smiles. “So, I have something I wanted to tell you all night.” [To be continued...]
Did I get this right? Did the sexy partner hump the Legal Tease? Excellent! But this is a sad day for the Southern Lawyer, who thought he had first dibs on that.
Yes, but sex without contraceptives? It’s OK? Why? Because “He’s the Hot Partner and is legitimately attractive?” Forget that, sister. Are you now going to tell us in the next segment that this “lowly, sleep-deprived BigLaw drone just forgot about the contraceptives in favor of what you call “bouncing around naked on top him in a sweaty, groping marathon of intra-firm sexcapades”, What if your now pregnant? Come on, where was your head (other than between this guy’s legs?) Who cares if he’s the Hot Partner? Do you really want to bear that burden for a night in the sack? I bet that won’t be so hot. Next time, make sure to bring a rubber or 2.
Wow… serious?? Very hot.
I know!!! I am so bummed!!! BFW, you broke my heart!
Oh well, no, worries, there is always part 2…maybe he tells her that he is a polygamist?? I’m keeping the faith.
Eileen DeDonis, are you serious? She didn’t say anything about contraceptives? Why do you assume that they didn’t use it? Maybe she just decided to spare us those details? Get off your soapbox; no one here works for Planned Parenthood or gives a shit if he wore a condom; you are ruining a perfectly good story.
Southern Lawyer, you read my mind — how do we know there werent condoms involved?!!! The story doesn’t even describe the sex act. Lighten up.
I was merely making a statement that she should use protection. After all, not everyone does, and then there are severe complications. I always insist on a condom. I am not a prude, it is just that if there’s no condom, there’s no sex.
Oh, and El, what do you call “bouncing around naked on top him in a sweaty, groping marathon of intra-firm sexcapades”. To me that is sex. I don’t know what you were thinking it was.
DeDonis–how about DONT make statements that make assumptions and are buzzkills. thanks.
I didn’t even bring up STD’s. But I will now. Condoms help to prevent the spread of STD’s. That is why you should always carry (and use) them.
They were at the equity partner’s loft. I assume he keeps a good supply of profilactics there in various thicknesses (for the kind of girls he knows versus the ones he does not know so well). This particular girl is probably getting the steal belted type variety. Does anyone think this is the first time he has had a sleepover with a starstruck associate? This is likely why he put her on the project to begin with. A smart guy will never start anything real with a girl who gives it up the first night. He’ll probably tap that a few more times before giving the subtle brush off.
Why does everyone say call her BFW?
I think Eileen is practical, and I like a practical woman. She probably keeps one box of rubbers in her night drawer at home, and one box in her purse, for special occasions where she can get “hot and heavy” on the road. Also, she appears to know how to use, which must mean she is attractive enough to have sex with. That’s also a good thing for a female lawyer. So, even though I’m not a big rubber fan, keep on truckin’ Eileen, and don’t let these limpy wimps stop you from doing your own thang!
WE ARE READY FOR PART TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This is pretty good stuff. Is it true, or is it fiction? I didn’t know that our Legal Tease would actually f*** as well as sleep over with a law firm partner. When I wind up getting a quickie, I prefer it be at the woman’s place, so I can bolt out of there whenever I want. If a woman is at my place, I don’t object if she wants to leave quickly afterward, but as a gentleman, I often let a woman stay over and cuddle (yuk!) and go out for breakfast. Since I always go to the same place, people there know what we’ve been up to. It is awkward, as I have to make small talk, provide her with a toothbrush (I always keep a spare), and even kiss her (though only after she cleans her mouth out).
So we anxiously await the author’s revelations. Maybe the guy will want to go backdoor in the morning, and this would not be good, particularly if the Legal Tease ate Mexican food the nite before. Let us know.
Wilbur–what kind of gentleman scampers out of a girl’s apartment after dropping his load? And to insist on her cleaning her mouth out before kissing her? Don’t you have any gratitude for what she has done for you. And it is your own spunk that you’d be spit swapping for.. Im sure your breath is pretty nasty too.
I agree FULLY, but again, I hate to beat a dead horse, but if Wilbur is getting his rocks off, the woman should insist on a condom. It will also solve the problem he has with the woman’s breath, as the condom will catch all of that before he has to “swap spit” with her. I agree that Wilbur should also brush his own teeth, irregardless of what he decides to do for his “date”.
De Donis–do you have AIDS? just curious.
Hit her hours in Sept. What a tool! ( Really that means good for you) If she can do that, why bother being an easy lay for guys who think they ought to be able to have the girl for one night.
No, of course not. And I dont want to get it, or any other STDs. As a matter of fact, you can get cervical cancer from Oral Sex. So that’s why my men have to wear a condom. Yes, they protest, but guess what, a bj with a raincoat is better than no raincoat at all. Plus, with a condom there is no issue of swallowing, which you men do not have to do. You dont see my boyfriend complaining.