A Rose by Any Other Name

December 1, 2008 by  

Even in this crap economy, one heavy with associate layoffs, slashed bonuses, and a general sense of fear leaking through the halls of law firms coast-to-coast, one vestige of BigLaw life still seems to be holding strong.  You’re familiar with it, even if you don’t realize it.  You’ve seen it before, smelled it before, openly admired it before.  Hell, you may even have it on your desk right now.  It’s been around as long as the billable hour and not even a recession can kill it: Whore Flowers. And if my firm’s a decent indicator, they’re not going away anytime soon.

As any true BigLaw alum knows, Whore Flowers come in all shapes and colors, but the basics are always the same: They’re ginormous, involve at least two- to three-dozen roses and/or the most expensive/exotic flower currently on the market, include a discreet card no longer than eight words, and are promptly delivered directly to a lady lawyer’s office within 24 hours of an initial sexual romp with a new guy. Whore Flowers are aimed to please the recipient, surely, but they’re really built to impress a bigger audience—and a proper bouquet is guaranteed to inspire swoons (and envy) from every single person who passes her office. Even the cleaning guys.

Of course, not every sexual liaison or casual one-nighter, no matter how intense, results in Whore Flowers. A drunken hook-up in the bathroom of a hotel with some actor-type you just met?  Don’t expect the florist to come calling the next day. A drunken hook-up in the bedroom of a hotel with an i-banker you met through friends that night? Hmm, maybe. When it comes to Whore Flowers, there are no bright-line rules—except for the fact that the sender wants to see you again. At least to see if the flowers were worth it.

It’s been weeks since I’ve seen any flowers around my firm, no less Whore Flowers. A fourth-year down the hall from me had a semi-monstrous bouquet crowding part of her desk a couple of weeks ago, but a quick peek into her office revealed the tell-tale box from 1-800-Flowers. Hell no. Whore Flowers don’t arrive in the mail. They arrive by hand. With flourish. (Turns out, the fourth-year’s flowers were a thank-you bouquet from her brother’s ex-girlfriend who’d been crashing on her couch for a week.)

I was starting to think Whore Flowers had gone the way of this year’s bonus pool at my firm—that is, until last Wednesday. Heading back to my office after lunch, I noticed two paralegals standing outside Annelise’s office. Annelise is an associate in my year, double Harvard, in the White Collar Lit group, and has a face that seems to be in perpetual competition with her personality over which is more sour and unappealing. She does have an insanely hot body, though, and last I heard, was single.

Just as I passed her office, one of the paralegals squealed “They’re gorgeous!” and I couldn’t help but take a look. Sure enough, sitting on the most visible corner of Annelise’s desk was an enormous bouquet of what had to be at least fifty pink-tipped yellow roses with buds the size of grapefruits, surrounded by peach hydrangeas and something that looked to be the upper half of a small oak tree. It was dazzling. It was mesmerizing. It had to involve at least four hours of groping and possibly a blow job.

I poked my head in, raised my eyebrows and asked the requisite gating question: “Wow. Birthday?”

She quickly lowered her eyes, pretending to be demure, and looked back up, trying to put on a shy smile that came off more like a scowl. “Nooo…”

Oh, for the love of God.  Fine, I’ll bite.  “Anniversary?”

“No. They’re just…from a friend.”  She looked down again and tried to make herself blush. Yep, Whore Flowers.  Confirmed.

I ahhhed for a bit and kept on walking back to my office. How depressing.  Annelise—Annelise?—is getting Whore Flowers and I’m getting rejected by skater punks and latent perverts.  Nice.

Worse, seeing this shrew’s lavish post-coital bouquet reminded me of my recent (and only) (and disastrous) experience with Whore Flowers in the wake of the vodka-inspired debauchery that played out on the floor of my office earlier this year with Ben, my comrade-in-arms and sort-of friend from law school. The flowers arrived the afternoon after the floor episode and I admit, they were stunning.  Huge, tropical, and spilling over a vase the size of a file box.

The most stunning part, though, was the card. The one that came with the flowers said simply “Thank you. –Ben”  Eh.  But then, within minutes of being delivered, I got a frantic call from the florist, who told me in a rush that Ben had ordered the flowers early that morning, but had wanted to change the message on the card after they were already out for delivery.  He’d apparently been calling the florist every fifteen minutes to confirm delivery of the new message, which she relayed to me on the spot: “You’re perfect. Thank you for everything. I’m yours, Ben.”  At which point, I promptly died. This was a first and I was totally blown away. So this is what it’s like to be with someone who’s not a cheap, immature, emotionally stunted jackass? Someone who actually thinks I’m “perfect”…or at least worth sending flowers to? Not to mention, could I really have been that…good?  On a floor?  I was melting.

After a couple of hours of knowing looks and comments from anyone who passed my office, I called Ben to thank him. He was humble, sweet, and had to go, but did say that he wanted to see me again as soon as possible. I hung up and melted again, thinking that this might be the beginning of something special. Or at least something interesting. What I didn’t realize at the time was that Ben would turn out to be clinically insane and that my last conversation with him—only a few days after that—would involve him rocking back and forth in his boxers on the floor of a coat closet at a friend’s pumpkin-carving party, drinking wine out of a box and half-slurring, half-sobbing to me into a cell phone. The flowers—vase, card and all—wound up firmly dumped in the trash within a week, and so did any hopes of a relationship with Ben.

But that, friends, is a story for another post.

In the meanwhile, the next time you find yourself jealous of some exotic rainforest grazing a smug, blushing associate’s desk, remember: Whore Flowers may seem flattering, may seem like a badge of pride, sexual prowess and desirability, but as I learned the hard way, they don’t count if they’re given to you by a crazy person—and they’re usually more trouble than they’re worth. I guess that shouldn’t come as much of a surprise, though. After all, they don’t call ’em Whore Flowers for nothing.

Comments

72 Responses to “A Rose by Any Other Name”

  1. Alex Hump on December 1st, 2008 8:36 am

    Great post. And very true. Guys who get cosmic sex with a decent woman are generally appreciative, but when you can find a sourpuss big firm lawyer like “Annelise,” and then can bang the living shit out of her for hours (getting multiple blowjobs along the way), it’s well worth a lousy $150 bucks for the flowers. Hell, it would cost 4 times that to get a decent call girl, and that bitch wouldn’t even have a law degree.

  2. El on December 1st, 2008 9:44 am

    YES! And I (again) can’t believe I’m agreeing with “Alex Hump”, and despite the mostly repulsive way the comment was phrased, the call girl point is well taken. In terms of the cash layout, there’s no comparison between flowers and a pro.

    This was a great post. Don’t wait so long to do it again this time!

  3. Anonymous on December 1st, 2008 10:08 am

    so what happened to ben???

  4. Anonymous on December 1st, 2008 10:13 am

    What Mr. Hump says is true. Any female lawyer that has a half decent body is worth a good roll in the hay, even if her face can stop a clock, like this one. There’s something to be said about screwing a lawyer (after all, lawyers usually screw us), and it doesn’t really matter what she looks like after you turn her upside down. And, If you close your eyes, you can even dream you’re screwing a movie star of your choice. If the female lawyer in question goes ga-ga over some lousy flowers, that’s a cheap guarantee of a repeat performance. Yes, it may cost over $100, but you don’t even have to be seen in public feeding her dinner until after you go for another round in the sack.

  5. Southern Lawyer on December 1st, 2008 10:21 am

    BFW, Another Brilliant Post!!

    I got a whore, cookie bouquet once…eh…though I have to say “thank you -Ben” is by far the funniest thing I’ve ever read! If you weren’t sure that he was crazy THAT should have clued you in ;) but then again…we all do some pretty interesting things as single, near-thirtyish work-a-holic lawyers.
    Hope you had a great holiday…glad to see the comment section’s back :)
    -SL

  6. Nonjudgmental Manwhore on December 1st, 2008 6:29 pm

    Whore flowers are so much better than the after liason Bud Light six pack and high five from frat boy summer associate that the author typically receives. I’m sure it’s just jealousy.

  7. Xuan Lin on December 2nd, 2008 5:50 am

    Perhaps not so much jealousy as a longing need for a real connection. As a woman and psychologist, I understand our author’s search for a raison-detre in this otherwise cold and impersonal work-oriented society.

    To the extent her co-worker, caustic as she is, has warmed up, it has been because she has found some connection — perhaps only sexual more–to an unknown male who has provided her with a release from the travail of the workplace–here in a legal environment, which we believe to be very intense.

    Our author also needs a similar outlet to provide greater balance in her own life, and while this could always be a temporary type of release, through the type of instant gratification she has had in the past (sex on the table with an unknown lout), our author really longs for something better and lasting.

    Yes, she needs to be able to come home to someone who adores her and will treat her with the respect often not found in the workplace by men who treat her either as a plow horse to get the work done, or by other men, who lose interest within 3 minutes after sex is over.

    I therefore recommend that a true gentleman step up or otherwise appear to provide our author with the emotional connection she so needs and deserves in this impersonal society.

  8. Whatever on December 2nd, 2008 10:45 am

    This posting sucks. In fact, this whole f*cking blog sucks. You call the flowers “whore flowers”, but the only whore in the story is you. And you are consistently the only whore in all your stories. Here’s an idea: you should either A) quit your job and do something that makes you happy, in which case you will probably meet some nice guy who you don’t have to f*ck in the first five minutes to impress because you won’t be repulsing everybody with your bad attitude, or B) keep your job, stop complaining, and shut both your “whore legs” and your “whore mouth” because your blog is just another depressing reminder of the ridiculous lengths insecure women will go to to feel wanted.

  9. Anonymous on December 2nd, 2008 12:53 pm

    “Whatever” @10.45 = “Ben”

  10. Anonymous on December 2nd, 2008 2:20 pm

    I enjoy these posts; not sure what “Whatever”s problem is. I think that the Chinese woman might be right. The legal tease needs more out of her life than more meaningless sex.

    Did she ever hook up with the Southern Lawyer? He’s been dying to bone her, and probably has a bad case of blue balls at this point. If not, maybe those two should go for it. What does she really have to lose at this point? I’m sure the Southern Lawyer would be “eternally” grateful, and that he would not go for anything back-door, at least after the first date.

  11. Anonymous on December 2nd, 2008 3:07 pm

    this is an interesting post… I may not be as eloquent as the female psychologist above… however the author’s term, whore-flowers, is belittling to women. i hate to be a downer but as a hot girl, I get flowers even without doing anything sexual with a guy.

    no offense but you sound jealous of those girls getting flowers from nice guys.

    and to the guys who posted on here, you are utterly disgusting, how would you feel if someone talked about your mothers or sisters that way?

    I will thoroughly enjoy ripping your balls off one day in court when your poor wives divorce your sorry asses and take everything you’re worth, leaving you with half your assets and the nanny you’ve been screwing.

    go ahead rip away at me, at least i have my dignity. And to the author of this post, you are disgraceful for instigating these pigs. go have another one night stand with a freak… all you deserve is weeds tho… for your sake, you better hope that Annelise doesn’t find out that you are making up stories and judging her sexual activity just because of a bouquet she received… you may be crossing the line of sexual harrassment my dear….

  12. Southern Lawyer on December 2nd, 2008 6:38 pm

    You people are pathetic. This post was exactly as it was intended to be…FUNNY and amusingly applicable to life in a law firm…that’s it…

    The amusing part is that the theme of BFW’s entire blog is that she is forced to work with assholes like you, be it sexually repressed, over-worked, jealous, hyper-sensitive, or judgmental…whatever. And, because she is forced to see you people day in and out she uses her blog as an outlet to show the world what assholes you really are…you just prove her point, really.

    “Anonymous”, in one breath your comment calls this story interesting and then all of sudden accuse her of being disgraceful and instigating insulting comments and being a whore…nice….ps. it is obvious if you are a lawyer that you are very bad one since you have NO IDEA what sexual harassment is…my dear.

    “Whatever”, you’re just an asshat…don’t read the blog if you don’t like it. ..But whatever you do please, please f*ck off.

    “Xuan Lin” …well you’re ok I guess but I don’t understand why you insist on psychoanalyzing every story…it kills me …it really does.

    Finally, third “Anonymous” at 2:20…thank you for your concern over my genitalia…and, you are correct that I generally find “going in the back-door” is best reserved for later dates…much later…But, I do find BFW to be a very funny, quick witted, and an intelligent woman…and that, in and of itself, is very attractive.

    Why you all insist on barrading the author with vile insults is beyond my comprehension. Her posts are funny and always immediately applicable to life in a law firm (well, minus the butt-plug one…). I always look forward to a new post. It is obvious why her blog was listed in today ABA Journal and I have every intention on voting for it.
    SL

  13. El on December 2nd, 2008 11:24 pm

    Uhh, this blog is, what’s that word again, oh yeah, FUNNY. As far as I can tell, its not a law textbook (“sexual harassment”? really??) or a treatise on female psychology, it’s just entertaining. All the depressed psychopaths and openly hostile misogynists on here need to lighten the f*ck up. Southern Lawyer – I’m with you, guy.

  14. Anonymous on December 3rd, 2008 9:38 am

    Maybe if you guys could live one day in a woman’s life you would understand how women like this, whether they be acting in jest or not, actually do make other women feel bad for something they shouldn’t feel bad for, like getting flowers. Bottom line, whore flowers is hurtful thing to call a nice gesture. I would definitely be offended if someone called me a whore because I got flowers. Maybe it is not sexual harrassment, but I bet Annelise would be pretty pissed if she found out that this blogger was talking shit about her without even knowing the real story behind the flowers.

  15. Anonymous on December 3rd, 2008 9:48 am

    This is a great Blog–I’ve voted for it as part of the ABA’s top 100. We should all do so.

  16. NYU04 on December 3rd, 2008 11:39 am

    I agree. The commentators on this site are annoying. Thank you, Southern Lawyer!

  17. Eileen DeBonis on December 3rd, 2008 12:41 pm

    Somehow I think the Southern Lawyer is putting one over on us women. In real life, he’s probably as big a douche as the rest of these men. I would not be taken in so fast by his progressive metro-sexual attitude.

  18. Alex Hump on December 3rd, 2008 2:29 pm

    I think the Legal Tease is a GREAT Writer, and I find not only the style, but her sexual predicament to be very engaging. But unlike the Southern Lawyer, I have no desire to hump her. And Eileen, weren’t you the puritanical one who was railing on about condoms some time ago? I’m glad you got beyond that.

  19. Xuan Lin on December 3rd, 2008 4:10 pm

    I believe the perceived inability for highly educated women lawyers to coexist in peace within the sexually repressed environment of the large law firm is partially caused by the isolation associated with both the work as well as the long hours it takes to complete legal worktasks. This, combined with the intense competition for limited partnership slots, is what causes the type of internacine behavior referenced in the blog and commented upon negatively by the female lawyer above. Indeed, the behavior colloqually described as “cattiness” is a direct product of such isolation and sexual repression.

    Although I have no direct experience with certain Northern European country lawyers, I would posit a guess that women there do not exhibit the same degree of cattiness as is here shown. The more casual attitudes toward sex and relationships prevalent in certain Northern European countries in all likelihood results in more of a c’est la vie live-and let live attitude so absent here.

    The fact that the sullen women has now become aglow should be cause for celebration, not disdain by the writer, who may be seen as in dire need of a similar connection. Indeed, some of the crude posts of men here are in fact on the mark to the extent they suggest that the writer would be mollified herself by a regular tryst.

    If anyone has first hand experience with the behaviour of highly educated females in Northern Europe (it need not be limited to lawyers, though that is obviously preferable), please post and I will try to provide my own cogent psychological analysis for you gratis..

  20. Eileen DeBonis on December 3rd, 2008 6:11 pm

    It was me, Mr. Hump, and I STILL insist that no man gets inside unless he is wearing a rubber. And the reason I did not “rail” about it today is because there was no irresponsible sex going on, like there was before.

    You people should know that there is nothing wrong with having men wear a rubber. In fact, for the days that I am fertile, I have always insisted that my men double bag it, and no man has EVER complained.

  21. Xuan Lin on December 4th, 2008 7:28 am

    Eileen, you too seem to be overly focused on fertility preventing any real long-term connection . I shudder to think of you directing your dates to “double bag” before entry. I could be off base, but can it be that your fear of pregnancy is really a fear is really a fear of a long-term connection which is usually associated with mating? If this is the case, you may not be all that different from the blog writer, who you look down upon. In fact, when you do this, you are really just turning the mirror on yourself.

    I suggest that you consider opening yourself up (figuratively) to a broader spectrum of eligible mates, rather than running men through your bedroom like it is Grand Central Terminal, insisting only on double bagging to protect you from any long-term connection.

    As for Alex Hump, I fear he is the type of man who just goes for the moment. Indeed his own name is a reflection of self-actualisation.

    I would have to further study the Southern Lawyer, but I believe, preliminarily, that the posters here have properly sized him up as someone whose Peter Meter is pointing directly at the Legal Tease, and saying and doing everything necessary for rapid insertion.

    Finally, El appears only to be an androgenous soul, longing for identify with something more meaningful.

  22. Anonymous on December 4th, 2008 2:47 pm

    word on the street is that double-bagging it leads to a higher percentage of the condoms ripping due to the friction of the two condoms rubbing against each other… you are probably safer just using one…

    i do applaud you however for being responsible and not contributing to the STD epidemic

  23. Southern Lawyer on December 4th, 2008 6:03 pm

    See, now THAT is funny. Xuan Lin, thanks for that intense psychological analysis. I don’t really think my peter meter is so malfunctioned enough to point all the way to new york when I’m down here….why did she say something? (Again…for clarification, that too was a joke)

  24. World's Tallest Pox on December 5th, 2008 2:51 am

    ?

  25. Alex Hump on December 5th, 2008 8:00 am

    I will be happy to participate in a study, Xuan Linn, if you want to bring in some good looking “Northern European” women, I would be happy to bang them and report back. I presume, by your name, that you come from the Far East? Or, maybe the website will finance a Euro-trip for me to do it “on site”. But I have some standards. No dogs– I don’t care if they have advanced legal degrees. The only required criteria is that they MUST be hot women of the Carla Bruni level.

    If you want, I will let the Southern Lawyer have sloppy seconds. That’s the “metrosexual” thing, to do, right? And I will send the condoms on to Eileen for inspection, who sounds like she’s a collector.

  26. CuteGeekChick on December 5th, 2008 1:34 pm

    Thank you Legal Tease, you are as funny as always. I’m a new fan, and I think your stories are always fun and funny. However, I can’t help but wonder – who’s Eileen DeDonis??? Really, he comments make me shrug in disbelief…

    OFF – why can’t I comment on the cute equity partner topic, did you turn comments off for the first part as well? What a fun story!

  27. Anonymous on December 6th, 2008 11:13 am

    Yea, I don’t know about Eileen, either. Maybe she and the Southern Lawyer should hook up. She will screw anything with a rubber (or 2), and the Southern Lawyer is dying for pussy, and at this point, he should take whatever he can get!

  28. Eileen DeBonis on December 7th, 2008 7:35 am

    Please do NOT volunteer my body on this site. I have enough difficulty sorting out my life without having more men beat a path to my door. I said earlier that I had concerns about the Southern Lawyer, and that has not changed. I go for the he-man type, not metro-sexuals.

  29. Southern Lawyer on December 8th, 2008 12:26 pm

    umm….why am I a “metro-sexual” again? You tell a few people that their comments are annoying and crass and all of sudden you’re branded as being a “metro-sexual” ..yall are annoying.

  30. World's Tallest Pox on December 11th, 2008 11:19 pm

    lol he said yall

  31. WorstTypePervert on December 11th, 2008 11:20 pm

    lol he said yall

  32. Julie Parisienne on December 12th, 2008 12:55 pm

    I kind of like the Southern Lawyer; heck, if he lived near me, I might even take care of him as you men suggest. He’d like it, too.

  33. Anonymous on December 12th, 2008 3:10 pm

    OK, if the Southern Lawyer can now line up for a little action from Julie; we’ve taken care of him; but what about the rest of this group. I guess it pays to be a Metro-Sexual. Hicks like Julie seem to dig it, and when you think about it, no one knows she’s a hick once she’s goin’ down on you.

  34. Eileen DeBonis on December 15th, 2008 8:52 am

    Metro-Sexuals refer to men who are very suave, say what women want to hear, and sometimes carry a man-bag (like a large satchel) with all of their accoutriments in it. If you come from the South, you know them as “pretty boys”. If you’re a pretty boy, then I am not interested.

  35. Southern Lawyer on December 15th, 2008 3:44 pm

    Wow! Thanks Julie. I’ll have to keep that in mind if I ever move to New York.

    -SL

    Ps. Eileen, I do not have a man-bag. And, trust me your lack of interest is but a minor issue. With all your rules…sex with you sounds like about as exciting as enlisting in the military and defiantly not worth the effort.

  36. Julie Parisienne on December 15th, 2008 6:33 pm

    I live in Pittsburgh, PA, and am not a lawyer. I do like lawyers, though. Where down South do you live?

  37. Eileen DeBonis on December 16th, 2008 5:19 am

    Julie, be careful. I know Metrosexual guys like him. He’ll tell you anything to get into your pants, and then leave you a mess. You can do better. Pittsburg may not be a hot town, but you don’t want to go chasing any man, even if they are a lawyer. I certainly would not.

  38. Southern Lawyer on December 16th, 2008 11:34 am

    Eileen, don’t you think its time to face the fact that you’re a lesbian? I mean, its 2008, no one is going to judge you.

    Julie, I’m from new orleans.

  39. Really? It's that serious? on December 16th, 2008 1:26 pm

    I just wanted to share a comment I have for the “hot” girl with the terrible grammar. “Me thinks thou dust profess too loudly..” Wives, mothers, sisters, teachers, etc… all of these women get flowers from time to time. The writer is remarking about a specific instance and type of flower-giving. If you’re not a whore, why are you offended? You seem like a simpleton. I know some very “hot” female attys, that would never have to describe themselves that way. It seems that you may be a little insecure and your only worth is in your supposed “hotness.” STFU.

    I work in NYC and women like you make me want to jump off a building into a vat of broken glass and hand grenades. The difference between you and a quality, beautiful woman is that the quality woman has mentally left junior high school and has actually accomplished things. Pretty is a dime a dozen, that’s the least valuable of all traits, in my opinion. I prefer a beautiful woman that brings more to the table than a pretty smile. That’s more rare, more valuable. But good luck with your wildly successful divorce practice you f”in ‘tard.

  40. Xuan Lin on December 17th, 2008 6:34 am

    Wow, it has been 2 weeks since I visited, but now that I am done with my paper, I can comment. First, I think Eileen is very obsessed about sex; even though she will indulge men, she is very protective over Julie, who evidently is enamored with the Southern Lawyer. This is particularly of concern, since the two are geographically remote from each other. As for Alex Hump, I firmly believe he needs a steady woman to ground him. We women don’t need guys like this poking every woman they can find.

    As to the “Really” poster above, I don’t understand her hostility to the Blogger — I don’t see the bad grammar she does. This woman has been the victim of more than a single bad relationship, and she longs for the same type of connection as the blogger, but she is very hostile; which is the likely result of a recent breakup with someone who she must have envisioned as “a keeper”. I presume the keeper dumped her, possibly for a more light-hearted, less serious, woman, likely not a lawyer.

    Yes, I wish her well, and hope she finds someone who will focus her attention away from the type of hostility she’s shown on this site.

  41. Julie Parisienne on December 17th, 2008 6:47 pm

    That’s cool. Maybe I can come down for Mardi Gras. When is that?

  42. Southern Lawyer on December 18th, 2008 10:47 am

    Haha!! Well, come on. We know how to have a good time down here. Feb 20th -24th.
    -SL

  43. Julie Parisienne on December 18th, 2008 6:47 pm

    I know; my cousin Linda collected 80 different colored beads. Of course, she couldn’t sit down for a week after she came home. But she had fun!

  44. Eileen DeBonis on December 19th, 2008 7:06 am

    Julie, you are heading down the wrong road. with him Stop now.

    Do you really want to wind up, drunk and naked, on a bearskin rug in Southern Lawyer’s condominium? I think NOT!!!!

    I know that may be what HE wants, but you, at least have choices now. Don’t go there! And Mardi Gras is not all that great either. I hope your cousin didn’t bring home any STDs with her after HER drunken stupor down there. What good are a few lousy beads to her now, if she is carrying an STD?

  45. Xuan Lin on December 19th, 2008 11:16 am

    Eileen, I don’t know what to make of this. You have appeared to be sexually experienced, yet you are seeking to prevent Julie from achieving any potential sexual satisfaction by trying to derail any attempted liaison with the Southern Lawyer. I am not sure, but is it possible that YOU are somehow interested in the Southern Lawyer and trying to dissuade Julie from a sexual rendezvous with him? If this is the case, you really are a bit out of turn. While it is fairly clear the Southern Lawyer would be very much interested in a tryst, be it with the Legal Tease or Julie — a common goal of men, including Metrosexuals– it is not at all clear to me that the Southern Lawyer would be interested in putting up with you, even if you are willing, in other cases, to be sexually active with men. I therefore suggest that you live and let live. Julie is a big girl. She knows what Mardi Gras and beads are all about and what it takes to collect them. If she wants to be like her friend who went down there and had a great time, who are you to deny that chance of fun to her. And who knows? Maybe a serious relationship could happen for Julie and the Southern Lawyer. Life is more than casual sex. A year from now, those two could be married with a family on the way. So in this holiday season, think positive thoughts, Eileen. It is what the season is all about.

  46. Southern Lawyer on December 19th, 2008 11:19 am

    Woah now…wait one second. Say what you want about me..but i’ll be damned before I alow some two-bit planned parenthood frequent-shopper card holder speak ill of Mardi Gras. Why don’t you come down and try is first before you make stupid assumptions about it. You disgust me.

  47. Julie Parisienne on December 20th, 2008 8:44 am

    Xuan, thank you for your concern, and Eileen, your not my mom, and maybe your even a little too preachy for me.

    I am not a high school girl any more, I am 26 years old and have had boyfriends since high school. And, no I am NOT a virgin and I do enjoy healthy sex. And my men do not HAVE to use condoms because I am on the pill, but I don’t screw on the first date, even though I like to have fun.

    So now that you know my life story, if I want to go somewhere and have sex, I can. So stop worrying about me. I am sure able to take care of myself.

    Sorry about that, Southern Lawyer, but I had to say that to her. We can still have fun, if you want to.

  48. Willa Cone on December 21st, 2008 11:19 pm

    Wow, this is pretty hot action here I never knew lawyers were so sexual. I think this is cool. Is Xuan Linn a psychoanalyst and how does she know these peeple?

  49. Carol B on December 22nd, 2008 8:21 am

    Hello, I have a question: Why is it here in this profession that a woman lawyer has to give her entire body to a man (or at least orally pleasure a man sexually) before she can get some nice flowers from him? Is this just in the big cities where sex is everywhere? I thought you should get flowers after a first date, without any sex, since sex things don’t happen with me and people I know until we’re going steady.

  50. Bill Dugan on December 23rd, 2008 6:37 am

    Julie, how are you? I want to know if you want to meet me. I live in Wheeling WVA, and can easily swing over to Pittsburgh for a weekend, if you want to show me around.

  51. Eileen DeBonis on December 23rd, 2008 3:49 pm

    Yes, Carol, it is disgusting what we have to put up with — men who trick us into bed; men who are distrustful; men who pretend to be sympathetic (like the Southern Lawyer Metrosexual); and others too numerous to mention.

    Carol, be very wary of these men. Especially if you are in a metropolitan area where men can have their pick of women.

    As for Julie, I don’t know a thing about Bill Dugan, but he may be a safer bet than the Southern Lawyer, who I am convinced will leave you drunk and spent on his bear skin rug.

  52. Alex Hump on December 24th, 2008 7:35 am

    Eileen, you are a mess. I don’t think any real man could stand to be with you, they’d be so pussy-whipped they might as well become a eunich. I am guessing you must be the biggest beeotch in (where do you live)? You must be cute enough to lure men in (like a preying mantis), then, once you get the man within your grasp, you squeeze them in some kind of sexual strangulation (double bagged, of course), so that once you loosen up your loins, they bolt for the hills. Nice. No man could stand to be with you in any long-term relationship. I don’t care how good looking you might be. You may have been burned by a guy, but I’m guessing he is thinking the same thing about you. Stop trying to poison young impressionable people like Julie and others on this website to adopt your sexual ways. They are not ones that will land you either a boyfriend or a husband. Grow up. Merry Christmas.

  53. Julie Parisienne on December 24th, 2008 2:34 pm

    Wow, I am getting so popular with men lawyers here then I ever have in Pittsburgh. Bill, are you a lawyer in Wheeling? Im first cousins with the Ferkette family in Wheeling, over on Bravary Street? Do you know them and where that is–about 2 miles from the 8th Street overpass/bridge. I visit them nearly every year around Easter, so if you want to meet me at tmy cousins, we could maybe have lunch? Let me know and I will call my cousin Sally. She’s only 21 but she also is looking for a guy whose got potential. Thanks and merry Christmas, Bill.

  54. Bill Dugan on December 25th, 2008 7:06 am

    Why wait for Easter, Julie–of course I will meet you when you visit the Ferkette’s; That’s only about 6 miles from where I live–but I can swing thru Pitt next week if you want. Where exactly do you live? Do you want to go out next Friday? I’ve got the day off and we could mabye see a movie and go uptown together? It would be cool if we found each other on a website like this! Who knows, next year at this time we could be married with a kid, all because of this website! Cool!

  55. Eileen DeBonis on December 27th, 2008 11:40 am

    Up yours, Hump. I have all the male attention I need, and I don’t need you to tell me what to do.

    Look here, at least Julie had the smarts to listen to me and she and Bill Dugan now have a shot together. If she didn’t listen to me, she might have wound up naked and drunk in New Orleans, on the floor of the Southern Lawyer’s cheap condo. How bad would that have been?

    I am sure the Southern Lawyer would have been “quite the gentleman” at least until after he had plied her into a variety of sexual activities and then had his way with her.

    I even suppose the gentelman might have sprung for a hot breakfast at the local IHOP or Perkins the morning after, so that poor Julie could get some other protein in her before dropping her off at the Greyhound station for that long bus ride home.

    So don’t be preaching about how messed up I am. I prevented another bad relationship, and possibly an unwanted pregnancy. I am not looking for a medal, just some respect.

  56. Xuan Lin on December 27th, 2008 4:45 pm

    Julie, you do need to lighten up a bit. Don’t be so down on Mr. Hump; he is really the type to be happy as long as he has a female paying attention to him.

    The same for the Southern Lawyer. I am not sure you were the catalyst for Julie’s moving on to Bill. Suffice it to say that maybe she was more interested in a local corn-fed guy who will give her the attention he craves. Although there are not enough facts to base a strong conclusion, I don’t think she was ready to go to the Southern Lawyer’s condo. I do agree, however, agree with you that should she have visited his lair, he would not be inviting her up to play parchezzi or some other board game. For gentlemen, it’s strictly c’est la vie–if not Julie, then another pretty face anxious for a connection. For now, let’s just enjoy the holiday season.

  57. Southern Lawyer on December 29th, 2008 10:18 am

    Wow! Eileen, you are seriously damaged goods. Your rants are not even making sense anymore. Cheer up, its the holidays!

    Julie, I leave town for three says and your already on to bill…who im pretty sure just said you might be married with a kid in a year…that hurts…

    BFW, what is happening to your blogg!?!?!?! Hope you had a Merry Christmas!

    (ps. I do not live in a cheap condo…that was really uncalled for. )

  58. Alex Hump on December 29th, 2008 1:31 pm

    Eileen, you are a mess. I’ll bet you took a vow of chastity and then started screwing like a rabbit in high school. Not sure I’d be listening to your advice about much. I think Julie P. moved on from the Southern Lawyer to this other yokel for the simple reason that the early bird gets the worm, and maybe she’s found one who has a lot in common with her. He’s so giddy to have a girl that I doubt he’d disrespect her like youre so fearful of. Hell, you can’t blame the Southern Lawyer for wanting to put the blocks to her. She sounds like she’d be pretty good in the sack.

    And Xuan Lynn, sure I crave good-looking female attention–what straight guy doesn’t? If the girl looks like a moose, I am not interested. If she looks like Charlize Theron, I am interested. Anything in between, I am probably interested, but it depends on the number of beers I need to get interested.

  59. Bill Dugan on December 29th, 2008 8:34 pm

    Look Dillweed, I am not a yokel. I found Julie and am going to date her, and I don’t care what you or anyone else on this website thinks of me. And Of course I will respect her. I’m from Wheeling, not from the South. Julie is hot and she’s mine. Plus, I know where her cousin lives. Xuan Lin (are you Chinese or something… I don’t even like Corn, and I am not fat or Corn Fed if that what you mean. I do have a law degree, and live an work in Wheeling. You and Eileen are OK. Thanks for the moral support. You do have our best interest in mind. If we get married, I will have you to thank.

  60. Not-So-Innocent Law Student on April 2nd, 2009 5:20 pm

    Seriously, is Xuan Lin real? Wow. Just Wow.

  61. Bill Dugan on May 3rd, 2009 7:07 am

    Now that I have had more of a chance to think about it, it might have been much more interesting if the Legal Tease had taken this guy home,and had wild sex with him. Maybe then she’d have become the fiancee, and he would then never have had to ask this dumb question about spa treatments for the original fiancee. If he ever did bring up the fiancee after the wild sex, the Legal Tease could then have a legal defense if she then proceeded to bite his crank off. Now wouldn’t THAT have been a more interesting story?

  62. MercyX on June 25th, 2009 5:06 pm

    This comments section is like a GD circus. If I didn’t know how crazy trolls like Eileen and Xuan can be, I’d think LT was making that shit up just to stir up some laughs. Either way… awesome. Also, great blog!

  63. jill on October 13th, 2009 4:10 pm

    Stumbled across this site by accident. So many desperados in the legal field. get over yourselves. Do some volunteer work if you have free time. No one gives a rat’s ass how hard you work or do not work, how lonely your life is working long hours. You are a humongous group of egomaniacs! Definitely not people that one would want to hang out with! snore snore snore!!

  64. Guano Dubango on October 15th, 2009 7:42 am

    Jill, I would tell you to shut your mouth entirely, but I at least know that the female mouth is good for one thing. Now go to stumble somewhere else, thank you.

  65. El on October 17th, 2009 8:28 am

    I have to second “Guano” on the go stumble somewhere else part to “jill.” She probably won’t ever read it though b/c I’m sure she’s off doing some volunteer work with her free time — that is, the free time that she’s not spending stumbling across sites and commenting on how boring they are. Because *that’s* a really valuable way of spending one’s free time. Hurray Jill!!!

  66. Guano Dubango on October 17th, 2009 10:42 am

    Thank you, El. I have always thought you were perky and potentially very attractive. We have to stick together on this, as we await future posts from the Legal Tease. I think she would be great in bed, too.

  67. Greggles on November 13th, 2009 7:19 pm

    Hey Guano Dubango…..I’m still in my first year of law school but at I’m not so socially awkward like you that I feel I should go on all kinds of law school sites and tell people I’m some kind of prince to try to get sex. So…here’s my offer to you….

    How about you pay for the remainder of my law school with your princely fortune and I’ll show you how to not be a total douche who scares women away? I’m sure I’d be able to get even someone like you laid, but who knows, you might even learn to like to speak to people like you’re not such a pompous ass…I’m just sayin….let me know if you accept….that will be $42,000 + $42,000 + $21,000 + living expenses — I’d add it up for you but I’m sure you’re used to adding very large numbers when counting your vast fortune…

    I await your reply

  68. Guano Dubango on November 14th, 2009 8:38 am

    Greggies, you are but an inexperienced young gazelle. I seek an eligible wife–sex is not the problem. There have been plenty of women willing to spend the night with me. I want an eligible woman, preferably a member of the bar, who is 1) smart; 2) beautiful; 3) young enough to bear me at least 3 children and 4) willing to return to my home country to live with my Aunt Ooona, who must preapprove her.

    This, my young friend, makes it more challenging. If I were just looking for meaningless sex, there are plenty of opportunities in my own law firm. But I have learned never to mix work with play.

    Good luck to you, my friend. You should think twice before spending this kind of money on an education unless you find a woman willing to pay for your dalliances.

  69. Eileen DeBonis on December 1st, 2009 7:27 am

    I have been very busy, but see that the same jerkoffs are visiting this cite. We need to find a way to get some Salpeter to the men who read this website. They think that women are just here to please and sleep with them. They do not consider what we women want.

    Men, we are not just lawyers laying around waiting for you to come to us and have sex. We have brains, and are not just sexual repositories for you. We went to law school, too, and we are members of the bar, so don’t think that you are all that better than us.

    Women, I invite all of you to protest against men who just think of us as sex objects. Do not give in to men and have sex unless they are real caring men. Not the type like I see here that just burp, fart and walk away.

    I suggest we use this website as our vehicle to deny unworthy men of the sex they claim they need so bad until they REFORM. Are you with me ladies?

  70. Alma Federer on December 10th, 2009 8:48 am

    I agree with you, Eileen. Finally, another woman who thinks the same way I do. We have to stick together and teach these men to adore us. But I withhold sex until I am pretty sure the guy will marry me. I am not sure if that is what you do, too.

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