A Rose by Any Other Name

December 1, 2008 by  

Even in this crap economy, one heavy with associate layoffs, slashed bonuses, and a general sense of fear leaking through the halls of law firms coast-to-coast, one vestige of BigLaw life still seems to be holding strong.  You’re familiar with it, even if you don’t realize it.  You’ve seen it before, smelled it before, openly admired it before.  Hell, you may even have it on your desk right now.  It’s been around as long as the billable hour and not even a recession can kill it: Whore Flowers. And if my firm’s a decent indicator, they’re not going away anytime soon.

As any true BigLaw alum knows, Whore Flowers come in all shapes and colors, but the basics are always the same: They’re ginormous, involve at least two- to three-dozen roses and/or the most expensive/exotic flower currently on the market, include a discreet card no longer than eight words, and are promptly delivered directly to a lady lawyer’s office within 24 hours of an initial sexual romp with a new guy. Whore Flowers are aimed to please the recipient, surely, but they’re really built to impress a bigger audience—and a proper bouquet is guaranteed to inspire swoons (and envy) from every single person who passes her office. Even the cleaning guys.

Of course, not every sexual liaison or casual one-nighter, no matter how intense, results in Whore Flowers. A drunken hook-up in the bathroom of a hotel with some actor-type you just met?  Don’t expect the florist to come calling the next day. A drunken hook-up in the bedroom of a hotel with an i-banker you met through friends that night? Hmm, maybe. When it comes to Whore Flowers, there are no bright-line rules—except for the fact that the sender wants to see you again. At least to see if the flowers were worth it.

It’s been weeks since I’ve seen any flowers around my firm, no less Whore Flowers. A fourth-year down the hall from me had a semi-monstrous bouquet crowding part of her desk a couple of weeks ago, but a quick peek into her office revealed the tell-tale box from 1-800-Flowers. Hell no. Whore Flowers don’t arrive in the mail. They arrive by hand. With flourish. (Turns out, the fourth-year’s flowers were a thank-you bouquet from her brother’s ex-girlfriend who’d been crashing on her couch for a week.)

I was starting to think Whore Flowers had gone the way of this year’s bonus pool at my firm—that is, until last Wednesday. Heading back to my office after lunch, I noticed two paralegals standing outside Annelise’s office. Annelise is an associate in my year, double Harvard, in the White Collar Lit group, and has a face that seems to be in perpetual competition with her personality over which is more sour and unappealing. She does have an insanely hot body, though, and last I heard, was single.

Just as I passed her office, one of the paralegals squealed “They’re gorgeous!” and I couldn’t help but take a look. Sure enough, sitting on the most visible corner of Annelise’s desk was an enormous bouquet of what had to be at least fifty pink-tipped yellow roses with buds the size of grapefruits, surrounded by peach hydrangeas and something that looked to be the upper half of a small oak tree. It was dazzling. It was mesmerizing. It had to involve at least four hours of groping and possibly a blow job.

I poked my head in, raised my eyebrows and asked the requisite gating question: “Wow. Birthday?”

She quickly lowered her eyes, pretending to be demure, and looked back up, trying to put on a shy smile that came off more like a scowl. “Nooo…”

Oh, for the love of God.  Fine, I’ll bite.  “Anniversary?”

“No. They’re just…from a friend.”  She looked down again and tried to make herself blush. Yep, Whore Flowers.  Confirmed.

I ahhhed for a bit and kept on walking back to my office. How depressing.  Annelise—Annelise?—is getting Whore Flowers and I’m getting rejected by skater punks and latent perverts.  Nice.

Worse, seeing this shrew’s lavish post-coital bouquet reminded me of my recent (and only) (and disastrous) experience with Whore Flowers in the wake of the vodka-inspired debauchery that played out on the floor of my office earlier this year with Ben, my comrade-in-arms and sort-of friend from law school. The flowers arrived the afternoon after the floor episode and I admit, they were stunning.  Huge, tropical, and spilling over a vase the size of a file box.

The most stunning part, though, was the card. The one that came with the flowers said simply “Thank you. –Ben”  Eh.  But then, within minutes of being delivered, I got a frantic call from the florist, who told me in a rush that Ben had ordered the flowers early that morning, but had wanted to change the message on the card after they were already out for delivery.  He’d apparently been calling the florist every fifteen minutes to confirm delivery of the new message, which she relayed to me on the spot: “You’re perfect. Thank you for everything. I’m yours, Ben.”  At which point, I promptly died. This was a first and I was totally blown away. So this is what it’s like to be with someone who’s not a cheap, immature, emotionally stunted jackass? Someone who actually thinks I’m “perfect”…or at least worth sending flowers to? Not to mention, could I really have been that…good?  On a floor?  I was melting.

After a couple of hours of knowing looks and comments from anyone who passed my office, I called Ben to thank him. He was humble, sweet, and had to go, but did say that he wanted to see me again as soon as possible. I hung up and melted again, thinking that this might be the beginning of something special. Or at least something interesting. What I didn’t realize at the time was that Ben would turn out to be clinically insane and that my last conversation with him—only a few days after that—would involve him rocking back and forth in his boxers on the floor of a coat closet at a friend’s pumpkin-carving party, drinking wine out of a box and half-slurring, half-sobbing to me into a cell phone. The flowers—vase, card and all—wound up firmly dumped in the trash within a week, and so did any hopes of a relationship with Ben.

But that, friends, is a story for another post.

In the meanwhile, the next time you find yourself jealous of some exotic rainforest grazing a smug, blushing associate’s desk, remember: Whore Flowers may seem flattering, may seem like a badge of pride, sexual prowess and desirability, but as I learned the hard way, they don’t count if they’re given to you by a crazy person—and they’re usually more trouble than they’re worth. I guess that shouldn’t come as much of a surprise, though. After all, they don’t call ’em Whore Flowers for nothing.


82 Responses to “A Rose by Any Other Name”

  1. Eileen DeBonis on December 23rd, 2008 3:49 pm

    Yes, Carol, it is disgusting what we have to put up with — men who trick us into bed; men who are distrustful; men who pretend to be sympathetic (like the Southern Lawyer Metrosexual); and others too numerous to mention.

    Carol, be very wary of these men. Especially if you are in a metropolitan area where men can have their pick of women.

    As for Julie, I don’t know a thing about Bill Dugan, but he may be a safer bet than the Southern Lawyer, who I am convinced will leave you drunk and spent on his bear skin rug.

  2. Alex Hump on December 24th, 2008 7:35 am

    Eileen, you are a mess. I don’t think any real man could stand to be with you, they’d be so pussy-whipped they might as well become a eunich. I am guessing you must be the biggest beeotch in (where do you live)? You must be cute enough to lure men in (like a preying mantis), then, once you get the man within your grasp, you squeeze them in some kind of sexual strangulation (double bagged, of course), so that once you loosen up your loins, they bolt for the hills. Nice. No man could stand to be with you in any long-term relationship. I don’t care how good looking you might be. You may have been burned by a guy, but I’m guessing he is thinking the same thing about you. Stop trying to poison young impressionable people like Julie and others on this website to adopt your sexual ways. They are not ones that will land you either a boyfriend or a husband. Grow up. Merry Christmas.

  3. Julie Parisienne on December 24th, 2008 2:34 pm

    Wow, I am getting so popular with men lawyers here then I ever have in Pittsburgh. Bill, are you a lawyer in Wheeling? Im first cousins with the Ferkette family in Wheeling, over on Bravary Street? Do you know them and where that is–about 2 miles from the 8th Street overpass/bridge. I visit them nearly every year around Easter, so if you want to meet me at tmy cousins, we could maybe have lunch? Let me know and I will call my cousin Sally. She’s only 21 but she also is looking for a guy whose got potential. Thanks and merry Christmas, Bill.

  4. Bill Dugan on December 25th, 2008 7:06 am

    Why wait for Easter, Julie–of course I will meet you when you visit the Ferkette’s; That’s only about 6 miles from where I live–but I can swing thru Pitt next week if you want. Where exactly do you live? Do you want to go out next Friday? I’ve got the day off and we could mabye see a movie and go uptown together? It would be cool if we found each other on a website like this! Who knows, next year at this time we could be married with a kid, all because of this website! Cool!

  5. Eileen DeBonis on December 27th, 2008 11:40 am

    Up yours, Hump. I have all the male attention I need, and I don’t need you to tell me what to do.

    Look here, at least Julie had the smarts to listen to me and she and Bill Dugan now have a shot together. If she didn’t listen to me, she might have wound up naked and drunk in New Orleans, on the floor of the Southern Lawyer’s cheap condo. How bad would that have been?

    I am sure the Southern Lawyer would have been “quite the gentleman” at least until after he had plied her into a variety of sexual activities and then had his way with her.

    I even suppose the gentelman might have sprung for a hot breakfast at the local IHOP or Perkins the morning after, so that poor Julie could get some other protein in her before dropping her off at the Greyhound station for that long bus ride home.

    So don’t be preaching about how messed up I am. I prevented another bad relationship, and possibly an unwanted pregnancy. I am not looking for a medal, just some respect.

  6. Xuan Lin on December 27th, 2008 4:45 pm

    Julie, you do need to lighten up a bit. Don’t be so down on Mr. Hump; he is really the type to be happy as long as he has a female paying attention to him.

    The same for the Southern Lawyer. I am not sure you were the catalyst for Julie’s moving on to Bill. Suffice it to say that maybe she was more interested in a local corn-fed guy who will give her the attention he craves. Although there are not enough facts to base a strong conclusion, I don’t think she was ready to go to the Southern Lawyer’s condo. I do agree, however, agree with you that should she have visited his lair, he would not be inviting her up to play parchezzi or some other board game. For gentlemen, it’s strictly c’est la vie–if not Julie, then another pretty face anxious for a connection. For now, let’s just enjoy the holiday season.

  7. Southern Lawyer on December 29th, 2008 10:18 am

    Wow! Eileen, you are seriously damaged goods. Your rants are not even making sense anymore. Cheer up, its the holidays!

    Julie, I leave town for three says and your already on to bill…who im pretty sure just said you might be married with a kid in a year…that hurts…

    BFW, what is happening to your blogg!?!?!?! Hope you had a Merry Christmas!

    (ps. I do not live in a cheap condo…that was really uncalled for. )

  8. Alex Hump on December 29th, 2008 1:31 pm

    Eileen, you are a mess. I’ll bet you took a vow of chastity and then started screwing like a rabbit in high school. Not sure I’d be listening to your advice about much. I think Julie P. moved on from the Southern Lawyer to this other yokel for the simple reason that the early bird gets the worm, and maybe she’s found one who has a lot in common with her. He’s so giddy to have a girl that I doubt he’d disrespect her like youre so fearful of. Hell, you can’t blame the Southern Lawyer for wanting to put the blocks to her. She sounds like she’d be pretty good in the sack.

    And Xuan Lynn, sure I crave good-looking female attention–what straight guy doesn’t? If the girl looks like a moose, I am not interested. If she looks like Charlize Theron, I am interested. Anything in between, I am probably interested, but it depends on the number of beers I need to get interested.

  9. Bill Dugan on December 29th, 2008 8:34 pm

    Look Dillweed, I am not a yokel. I found Julie and am going to date her, and I don’t care what you or anyone else on this website thinks of me. And Of course I will respect her. I’m from Wheeling, not from the South. Julie is hot and she’s mine. Plus, I know where her cousin lives. Xuan Lin (are you Chinese or something… I don’t even like Corn, and I am not fat or Corn Fed if that what you mean. I do have a law degree, and live an work in Wheeling. You and Eileen are OK. Thanks for the moral support. You do have our best interest in mind. If we get married, I will have you to thank.

  10. Not-So-Innocent Law Student on April 2nd, 2009 5:20 pm

    Seriously, is Xuan Lin real? Wow. Just Wow.

  11. Bill Dugan on May 3rd, 2009 7:07 am

    Now that I have had more of a chance to think about it, it might have been much more interesting if the Legal Tease had taken this guy home,and had wild sex with him. Maybe then she’d have become the fiancee, and he would then never have had to ask this dumb question about spa treatments for the original fiancee. If he ever did bring up the fiancee after the wild sex, the Legal Tease could then have a legal defense if she then proceeded to bite his crank off. Now wouldn’t THAT have been a more interesting story?

  12. MercyX on June 25th, 2009 5:06 pm

    This comments section is like a GD circus. If I didn’t know how crazy trolls like Eileen and Xuan can be, I’d think LT was making that shit up just to stir up some laughs. Either way… awesome. Also, great blog!

  13. jill on October 13th, 2009 4:10 pm

    Stumbled across this site by accident. So many desperados in the legal field. get over yourselves. Do some volunteer work if you have free time. No one gives a rat’s ass how hard you work or do not work, how lonely your life is working long hours. You are a humongous group of egomaniacs! Definitely not people that one would want to hang out with! snore snore snore!!

  14. Guano Dubango on October 15th, 2009 7:42 am

    Jill, I would tell you to shut your mouth entirely, but I at least know that the female mouth is good for one thing. Now go to stumble somewhere else, thank you.

  15. El on October 17th, 2009 8:28 am

    I have to second “Guano” on the go stumble somewhere else part to “jill.” She probably won’t ever read it though b/c I’m sure she’s off doing some volunteer work with her free time — that is, the free time that she’s not spending stumbling across sites and commenting on how boring they are. Because *that’s* a really valuable way of spending one’s free time. Hurray Jill!!!

  16. Guano Dubango on October 17th, 2009 10:42 am

    Thank you, El. I have always thought you were perky and potentially very attractive. We have to stick together on this, as we await future posts from the Legal Tease. I think she would be great in bed, too.

  17. Greggles on November 13th, 2009 7:19 pm

    Hey Guano Dubango…..I’m still in my first year of law school but at I’m not so socially awkward like you that I feel I should go on all kinds of law school sites and tell people I’m some kind of prince to try to get sex. So…here’s my offer to you….

    How about you pay for the remainder of my law school with your princely fortune and I’ll show you how to not be a total douche who scares women away? I’m sure I’d be able to get even someone like you laid, but who knows, you might even learn to like to speak to people like you’re not such a pompous ass…I’m just sayin….let me know if you accept….that will be $42,000 + $42,000 + $21,000 + living expenses — I’d add it up for you but I’m sure you’re used to adding very large numbers when counting your vast fortune…

    I await your reply

  18. Guano Dubango on November 14th, 2009 8:38 am

    Greggies, you are but an inexperienced young gazelle. I seek an eligible wife–sex is not the problem. There have been plenty of women willing to spend the night with me. I want an eligible woman, preferably a member of the bar, who is 1) smart; 2) beautiful; 3) young enough to bear me at least 3 children and 4) willing to return to my home country to live with my Aunt Ooona, who must preapprove her.

    This, my young friend, makes it more challenging. If I were just looking for meaningless sex, there are plenty of opportunities in my own law firm. But I have learned never to mix work with play.

    Good luck to you, my friend. You should think twice before spending this kind of money on an education unless you find a woman willing to pay for your dalliances.

  19. Eileen DeBonis on December 1st, 2009 7:27 am

    I have been very busy, but see that the same jerkoffs are visiting this cite. We need to find a way to get some Salpeter to the men who read this website. They think that women are just here to please and sleep with them. They do not consider what we women want.

    Men, we are not just lawyers laying around waiting for you to come to us and have sex. We have brains, and are not just sexual repositories for you. We went to law school, too, and we are members of the bar, so don’t think that you are all that better than us.

    Women, I invite all of you to protest against men who just think of us as sex objects. Do not give in to men and have sex unless they are real caring men. Not the type like I see here that just burp, fart and walk away.

    I suggest we use this website as our vehicle to deny unworthy men of the sex they claim they need so bad until they REFORM. Are you with me ladies?

  20. Alma Federer on December 10th, 2009 8:48 am

    I agree with you, Eileen. Finally, another woman who thinks the same way I do. We have to stick together and teach these men to adore us. But I withhold sex until I am pretty sure the guy will marry me. I am not sure if that is what you do, too.

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