Sex, Drugs, and Billable Hours
January 22, 2009 by Legal Tease
My first intervention went down pretty much exactly like the ones you see on TV. Well, except that there were no cameras. Or tears. Or therapists. And it took place in a shoebox office in a law firm instead of, say, in my living room, surrounded by friends and family. Still, the core elements were the same: I had a serious issue and it needed addressing. No, I wasn’t a junkie, or an alcoholic, or addicted to fetish porn. My issue was far more dangerous. More destructive. More worthy, apparently, of the powers that be at the firm stepping in to make sure the situation didn’t get further out of control.
The issue? My billable hours were too high.
It was a couple of years ago, when it was actually possible to have billable hours, no less ones that were too high. The day started like any other: sitting at my desk on three hours’ sleep, mourning my former life as a person who…had a life, and wading through diligence for a massive public company merger that had consumed every billable, no less waking, hour of my life since I’d started working at the firm a few months back. I heard a knock on my door and looked up to see Bess, a senior associate I’d never met, smiling at my door.
“Hey there!” she chirped. “How’s it going?”
I looked down at the heaps of SEC filings covering every inch of my desk. How does it look like it’s going?
She kept smiling. “Sooo, gotta sec?”
No. “Sure.”
“Great! I figured we could just go grab a coffee and talk for a bit.” Oh, Jesus Christ. What the hell is this about? I don’t have time for this.
Turns out, that was the whole point. Bess was a member of the committee at my firm responsible for monitoring associates’ hours, advancement and so-called happiness. She’d been dispatched to talk to me about my billable hours because they were apparently higher than anyone else’s in my class and it was the firm’s policy to “touch base” with anyone whose hours fell outside of the billable Bell curve—on either end. Go know. The firm thought “it was great” that I was billing so much, but wanted to check in and make sure that I wasn’t in danger of burning out, i.e. they were concerned that I was going to have a breakdown, quit, and show up in the office one day with a sawed-off shotgun, or worse, sue them.
After making a 20-minute Starbucks loop where Bess explained the hypothetical importance of drawing boundaries and made sure to ask if anyone had “forced” me to keep such a high pace—Of course not! That string of hundred-hour weeks was absolutely, hands-down 100% my own choice. Sleep, sex, sanity? Pass!—she sat me down and gave me the firm-sanctioned recommendation for how to handle too much stress.
“You know,” she lowered her voice, almost conspiratorially, “if you’ve been working nonstop and maybe you haven’t slept, or maybe you’re, you know, about to lose it, you can always just—”
I actually leaned forward, waiting to hear the obvious: take a nap, take a shower, take a personal day. What I didn’t expect was what came out of her mouth next.
“…go take a short walk around the block.”
I’m sorry?
She was nodding her head now, smiling even more. “There are actually some seriously amazing museums within a ten-minute walk from here. Have you been, actually? They’re amazing.”
Yes. Yes, they are.
So there you have it. According to the firm, when the stress of working torture-camp hours is starting to break you, when you’re one billable minute away from slicing your wrists with the edge of a redweld, whatever you do, don’t go home, don’t go to a bar, don’t go to hooker. No. Just…go take a walk! A short one. Maybe pass by a museum—but don’t go in. And then go back to work.
And then, then sit down at your desk and wonder if the all the players in the BigLaw game really are this far gone. Sure, it’s not a shock that firm management would toss out inane, revenue-focused ideas for how to maintain associates’ mental health, but is it possible that the associates tasked with dishing out these idiotic ideas are actually buying into them? Is it inevitable that the longer you work in BigLaw, the more you become a person who truly believes that a “short walk” isn’t an absurd solution to someone on the verge of a breakdown? Is this what passes as an intervention in BigLaw—and worse, is it really supposed to work?
I never got the chance to find out because within less than one year, it didn’t matter. Just like hordes of other corporate lawyer drones coast-to-coast, my billable work suddenly started to dry up. And then, in a particularly poetic turn of events, I had my second intervention at the firm almost one year to the date from my first one—this time to discuss why my hours were so low compared to last year. (Hmm, I don’t know, maybe it’s all those short walks I keep taking around the block.) There was no free Starbucks this time, but the Bell curve did make a repeat appearance—as in: If you’re going to have crappy hours, make sure they’re only as crappy as everyone else’s.
I haven’t been graced with any interventions since then, although if there’s another one coming down the pike soon, I can pretty much guess how it might end. Because at the end of the day, when it comes to life as a BigLaw associate, whether you’re a billing machine or a burnout, any intervention that involves (1) you, (2) your well-being, and (3) your well-being as it relates to your billable hours is bound to have the same upshot: Go take a walk around the block. Granted, depending on the context, they just might not let you back into the building.
An excerpt of this essay was also published today on Above the Law, one of our favorite websites/ addictions. Make sure to check it out here!
Amusing piece, but I will say that I am at work right now and have been for the past 22 hours. Its still possible to have billable hours, trust me.
Yea, a lot of us hava a lot more time on our hands than last year, and all of us know friends that have been given the gate already. We can only hope that there will be enough work to keep us off unemployment, which, in New York is only about $400 / week or so. That won’t even pay the rent, let alone eat and have fun, so let’s just hope and pray, man.
BFW, this may sound odd (and possibly is a result of my own billable hour struggles, as I was here way too late last night…well, for a southern law firm anyway…not compared to New York biglaw. ..but I digress) what I was going to say is: I think my new favorite part about your blog is that the Advertisement is cued into your posts. So when you are talking about addiction, there is an ad for well, a rehab facility. But, when the post was about your sexual exploits (if you will) the big square on the right of the page was selling birth control…and so on …every time there is a new post the add changes. A small matter, but I find it amusing. I guess its the little things….
Ps. my hours sucked last year…I’m putting 5% of the blame on your blog
Nice work, thanks for the distraction. Keep it coming, pls.
sex? drugs?
I like this writing. I don’t work in “BigLaw” (MediumLaw maybe?) but can relate to 105% of the detailed boredom and the rest of what the author says.
Yes, this woman is capable of writing something interesting about topics that aren’t so much in their own right. If she ever gets laid off as a lawyer, Im sure she can write for a magazine, maybe even Redbook. There’s some interesting sex columns there that I’ve seen, and having a legal spin on it would improve it.
For example, I’ve always wondered about whether you can bring a legal claim for breach of contract if you gave up your virginity on the expectation of getting either 1) mucho dinero or 2) married to the other person; when you are later jilted.
I think this question would apply either for a male or a female that is jilted.
Since our Legal Tease seems to have been deflowered long ago, and has had ample experience in the area, perhaps she could provide legal insight to this group.
Funny (now) intervention story: My firm was pretty good (as far as they go) but the lit coordinator performed an epic fail when i got a call from her to discuss my low monthly billables same day i returned from a three week berevement leave resulting from my mother’s death.
All the firm was doing was CYA: you work too much, have a mental meltdown, sue them for harassment or whatever and they’re screwed. This was a meeting disguised as caring to get it on record for them and for you that they reached out, so ball’s in your court now if they break you. F***ing bastards.
what ever happened to ben?????? bring back ben!!
Funny blog. Keep it up.
and hang in there!
-10.36
Alex, why don’t you or the Southern Lawyer get together with the Legal Tease and get it on. We could then read all about it next week here. How about it? Legal Tease?
I sympathize with the blogger. She busted her ass and was called on it; and now the opposite happens? I think we women are not given a fair shake. Guys can meet up in the bathroom, discuss cases, and arrange for afterwork drinks, but we have to subjugate ourselves to these men. It is not fair to anyone female. Then, to have to deal with the Bill Duggan’s of the world, who focus on our asses rather than our brains, is mind-boggling. That type of dipshit will make partner, while I won’t. And just because he has a dick. Now that is hardly fair pool.
Easy, Eileen, there are plenty of situations where men get the short end of the stick. First of all, meeting up in the can is a liability. How great is it if the managing partner sees it was you who stunk up the stall he is about to go. How is he going to read is Wall Street Journal after you came out of there after finally ridding your colon of the burritos you ate 2 days ago. Also, I know a guy in house who pissed on the shoe of the general counsel while pulling into the next urinal. How great is that? Finally, I think women are preferred in many ways; men get the dirty jobs on a Friday nite when the partner has to recruit an oaf to do a quick (20 hour) job. Meanwhile, that same partner is wooing a female associate into heading out for a quick drink before he has to go home to his wife and kids. And as I see it, no one here is focusing on your ass. Yea, you babes have it tough. Lets all shed a tear for you.
Eileen, believe me I don’t have it made. I am at work now. You however have issues. Serious issues that preclude me from even liking you. It is not a bed of roses for the men. Alex is right. We’ve taken it up the ass (figuratively) so many times that its almost natural. Whining women like you start complaining as soon as the thought of the shaft is brought up–in those cases, you have places to go and things to do; leaving the men to mop up after you. You need a good strong man to straighten you out; not some mamby pamby guy who will jump every time you speak, just because he’ll do anything for the meager sex you must dole out to him. Yes, a man that will control you and leave you begging is what you need. And there’s no takers I see on this website.
I agree with the men, here, Eileen, even though they are for the most part, immature and petulant. Eileen, you must remember that it is impossible for men to all live up to the ideal man we always wish we can find for ourselves. Think about it, how can you compare the imperfect oafs on this site to Michaelangelo’s “David”? The answer is, simply, “you can’t.” While Bil dugan, Alex Hump and the Southern Lawyer may also have some good qualities, they are not even close to being perfect, and neither are we. That is important to remember, particularly that we are not perfect also. Although these men are almost completely focused on sex, that is because the site is so oriented, and these men need a sexual release that they elect to employ through their keyboards. Isn’t that better than them taking unsuspecting young females physically after a nite in the bar? Certainly. These men are also lawyers, so they should be cognisant of their limitations. Finally, Eileen, you must remember that it is we women that hold the proverbial keys to the kingdom. These men are all focused upon having intercourse, and without our consent, as women, this cannot happen. So don’t be troubled about inequality or men’s stupidity. You should remember that you are empowered as successful female. This is important. The Blogger, Legal Tease, should also remember this, before she opens up to the next male that is interested in mounting her.
So wait, I’m an oaf now?
Whatever, ya’ll are like broken records. How in God’s name can a post about billable hours turn into some cheesy women vs. men in the office place debate…AGAIN!!! Come on, people..new topic, lets go.
In the words of Ari Gold, “Let’s hug it out, Bitch.” (And for all those who are not fans of the show, he was talking to another guy)
Yes. Thank you, Newbie. With all of the t;urmoil going on, we (both women + men) need to stick together, not fight. Even though love is a battlefield, like the inaugural address said: “Ask not what your country can do for you; ask what you can do for your country. ” Let’s use this credo to try and do what is right ffor each other in these trying times; that means more than men looking at women jas mere sex objects; and women looking at men as mere meal tickets. Women have proven they are equal to their male counterparts at work as well as in the bedroom, so having a Fred Flintstone caveman approach just doesn’t work any more. Women, on the other hand, need to know that the men they are with are not and cannot be perfect. Comparing them by sexual prowess or penis size is not fair to them. We must accept each other for what we are, complete with a wart or two. This is perhaps a little late for a new year’s resolution, unless of course you are, like me, Chinese! Let’s start off the year of the Ox by resigning not to be one, either at work or in the bedroom. Happy New Year to all!
Happy New Year, Xuan and the gang. I just got home from Puerto Rico and have a lot of catching up to do.
Julie, I called the Ferkette’s and they said they would not give me your number w/o your permission. I thought we were going to date? This is the only way I can contact you. Can you have the Ferkette’s give me your number?
Bill, I have read some of your posts. I am not sure you are the gentleman you profes to be.
At this time in my life, I am looking for some stability, and a man I can share my life with. How can I be sure you are ready for a relationship with me?
Will you look at the TUCHES on that woman lawyer in the picture? Is she typical of female associates or what? Is she the Legal Tease? Not only does she sport a large arse, but her butch haircut makes me totally unwilling to perform CPR on her (tho I can’t see her cans from this angle). I suggest that if this is a picture of the Legal Tease, not even Alex Hump will want to hump her, let alone the Southern Lawyer.
Julie, I told you all about me. It is embarrassing to have to use a pubic website to convince you to date me. I am a nice guy and am very respectful. I also still have a good job in Wheeling. I thought we were going to spend New Year’s Eve together, but I never heard from you. I gave my # to the Ferkettes, but if you give them the green light, they can give me your # and I will call you.
Like I said earlier, I am only 45 minutes away so we could maybe meet this weekend.
bragging about sex + blowjobs on the internet = nice guy + respectful
I have never disrespected Julie; I am interested in dating her. I never asked her for a BJ, and would of course do her downstairs if she wanted me to. I think that is fair. Julie, are you interested?
What name do you think the big Tease herself would use if she posted to this forum?
I don’t know, WTP, but I think that it could be her n the picture. Look above, someone said it was her, and she has NOT commented, hence, it is her in the picture. As to Bill Dugan, I think someone ought to give him access to a woman.
A tad disappointed. Where’s the proper mention of sex or drugs in the post, other than the one in the “Pass!” paragraph?
I remember when the old firm merged, and we had to work crazy hours – both drugs and sex ruled the sleepless nights in the office and hotels across the street.
Bill, I will NOT date you. I’ve learned about your postings, and hope that you did not expect ME to the one providing your sexual release. Yes, I am a big girl, and no I am not a virgin, but you need to know that I REFUSE to be treated as a sexual vassal. You will have to find someone else to give you the sex you seem to be so focused on. I come from a good home with moral values. Thank goodness we NEVER met, let alone hooked up. I will look for a boyfriend elsewhere. Goodbye.
Why do people always veer off the topic and start the same discussion over and over again? About how bad male lawyers are, how they are male chauvinistic pigs and how they are always looking for sex. Come on! Most men can be like this lawyers or not. Does Eileen have a life? Does Xuan have other people to analyze, or is she just practicing her “skills” here? When will the realization come that most people who comment, the active ones that is, do not care about the line-by-line analysis of posts they’ve made. Especially if this analysis boils down to the sexist problems once again. SL, and AH, and BD – while I find your comments amusing, some of them are plain stupid (I choose to think of those as lame attempts at a joke), yet some are witty and funny enough.
So, ladies of SweetHotJustice comments, where’s your sense of humor? Do you really take the boys’ comments seriously? I have to say – go get laid, and stop putting everyone down. Even though it’s amusing at times, it’s really getting old. I’m not a lawyer, but have quite a few friends who are. I’ve also worked in a couple of large Firms in NYC, and have daily exposure to lawyers of all levels here. It’s really not all that bad, and if you, ladies, have had bad experiences throughout your lives… Well, sucks to be you.
Cheers!
Hey wait a second! What did I do??!? Why do I always get grouped in with BD and AH?? My comments are almost always consistent with the post’s topic and I usually just comment that that BFW is really funny…(because she is)..that’s it! I’m not looking for a creepy blog romance (BD) or fighting the M vs W fight (EL, etc.)… CuteGeekChick, dont be so mean! …geez
Live and let live, Julie; you don’t know what your missing out on, woman. I would have treated you nicely, too, as I am also looking for a relationship, but am not willing to beg, either.
I think we’re all getting smeared by the Cute Geek Chick, but it’s only because we say what we think. She’s not a lawyer, but I suppose she is probably still bangable. I don’t want her, tho. I will leave her to my buddies, Alex and the Southern Lawyer. Either of you are free to have at it with her.
SL, didn’t mean to be mean – LOL. I don’t analyze the posts much, just try to get some fun out of reading them… Really don’t get offended.
What about me? Am I really bad? Or are you so cute? After all, the name of this website is Sweet HOT Justice, with a focus on HOT. We don’t come here to go over caselaw precedent; at least I don’t. We want to deal with issues of interest. And that, for the most part, includes s-e-x; even though Eileen finds the word offensive. We live for it! Even the Chinese woman, who is not a lawyer, seems to understand us. You should too.
well, technically it’s not about sex… it’s about the blogger and her escapades… not the commenters and their obsession with sex… no? and of course cutegreekchick is cute, it says it in her name…
I respectfully dissent. There have been more people called “cute” than we can ever count; and less than 25% were actually “cute”. Remember, virtually all babies are “cute”, yet look what they grow up to be. Now I am not saying that “cutegeekchick” is / is not cute; she either could look like an elephant, or be as pretty as Angelina Jolie (chances are, she’s somewhere in between). So lets just imagine as best we can that she is not an elephant and is eminently F***able. As I mentioned earlier, I am giving her to Alex and the Southern Lawyer. They are free to satisfy her sexually.
Back off on the Southern Lawyer, he’s harmless – and CuteGeekChick’s right, every comment session on this board turns into the same discussion about male/female dynamics and, inexplicably, STDs. Amusing, sometimes, but always off point. Most of these posts have nothing to do with sex, regardless of the (yes, misleading) titles.
Anyone else find it interesting that Dugan lied, of all places, on an internet board about being with Julie, whereas he never even met her? Xuan Lin, what does your psychoanalytical expertise tell you about that?
I am not interested in CuteGeekCheek. I tend to think that if you have to say you are cute, chances are your not. So, thanks, but no thanks, Bill. The Southern Lawyer can have her. Bill, did you lie about banging Julie? That would not be bright.
I never lied about being with Julie; I WANTED to be with Julie, but never said anything along the lines that Anonymous suggests. Why are you people trying to smear my reputation? I wanted a relationship with Julie, one that might even lead to marriage! I never suggested that I had been with her. If you have evidence to the contrary, kindly show us. You can’t.
Well Dugan, if you insist.
“There are douchebags like this at every firm. You are lucky enough to have and work with two of them at the same time. I was hoping you were going to tell us you had a menage-a-trois with these two douchebags, but didn’t have to worry about protection because they were both nutless. But you didn’t. Oh well, there will be other opportunities with men for you to practice your Kegel exercises. I can think of one guy just dying to get in there, the way I am with Julie. Happy new year!” I really don’t see how “I am with Julie” can be construed as “I want to date Julie.”
Add that to the fact that you make other comments such as “I just got back from an hour of hot heterosexual sex,” and that implies that you are either having hot heterosexual sex with Julie, who you were supposedly “with” (though apparently never met), or that you were having sex with other women while trying to date and allegedly marry Julie. Either way your credibility is trash.
SL – my sincere apologies. After reading the latest comments from AH and BD I do realize I shouldn’t have grouped you with them.
El – thank you.
AH and BD – I only put “cute” in my nickname, because I’m too self conscious. So, in reality I am drop dead gorgeous. Eat your hearts out.
Oh no worries, cutegeekchick. I’ve got pretty thick skin from dealing with real assholes (i.e. opposing counsel, boss, client, judge, co-workers, etc.) all day long. So, a couple jokes at my expense from a cute New Yorker aren’t too bad…nor are undeserving
Cute, Geek Chick, be very careful. This group of 3 or 4 men are drawing you into their lair. Sure they can be nice, but they will have their way with you and leave you spent if your not VERY careful. You do not want to go there. Trust me. I saved Julie from the grips of these yokels.
Can I just tell you how tired I am of Eileen, Julie and CuteGeekChick over-representing the number of prudish women out there . . . If one were to read the comments on this website, it may appear that men are pretty much animals chasing tail and women are goody-too-shoes holding out for marriage and using sex as punishment (by withholding it), reward, or a way to a relationship. Neither of the two assessments are realistic.
Even though men are concerned with sex, it is NOT the only thing on their minds because such things as career advancement, friends and family (they all have mothers, don’t they?), and frigging sport events have place as well. So just because SL, AH, BD chose to only vent their sexual frustrations here, it does not mean there is nothing more to them. Further, this is for my ladies — have you heard of a sexual revolution? Maybe you didn’t get the memo, but women are allowed to enjoy sex nowadays, even (OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) without a long-term relationship. You know it is even ok to dress up in dominatrix outfits and demand to be pleased.
Anyways I just thought that I should comment to somewhat upset the unfair balance that has developed here. Also, if Eileen is using her real name, no wonder she is so bitter. . . “drawing you into their lair”? really?
Mistress V – what’s wrong with you? God, now I understand why SL got upset when I grouped him with AH and BD.
Before you put my name next to EDB and Julie’s, and label me as a prude, read my comments.
And if I didn’t respond to Eileen – it was not because I didn’t see the comment or had to show my support. I just felt unnecessary to write anything, because what I had to say would be a tad rude, and I hate being rude.
CuteGeekChick – Fair enough . . . I apologize for lumping you together with the others. I do not have time to study each commenter or each comment. It is just my general impression that the women-commenters on this website are sexually repressed. When I gave examples, I merely referenced the names I remembered. So if you are a healthy woman who enjoys a good time, I am sorry to have put your name next to these crusty prudes.
P.S. You have to agree though that you are NOT the website’s advocate for wearing lacy lingerie, having sex instead of sweating it out at the gym, or tying a guy down and getting what YOU want (so that I would remember you as separate from the likes of EDB) either.
Ah, Mistress V, maybe I don’t talk much about lacy lingerie and latex, but I think even my earlier comments on this post look different from the rest of the female crew here.
I avoid racy comments, as I like to keep my private life private, and wouldn’t want to be labeled “class slut”.
OK, will you two broads stop your cat fighting? Otherwise, just take your tops off and have at it!