They Can’t All Be Happy Endings

April 9, 2009 by  

lt-happyendings-fullI’m not completely delusional.  I popped my Big Law cherry long enough ago to realize that this job—this life—isn’t for the faint of heart.  I’ve come to expect that on any given day, the Big Law grind will leave me ravaged with exhaustion. It’ll leave me straining to remember the faces of my family and friends.  It’ll leave me ranting at inanimate objects in the middle of the night and craving even just the tiniest hit of sleep, sex, style, sanity.  What I didn’t quite expect, though, was that it would leave me lying naked on a table in the middle of a hotel with some guy’s latex-covered hand crammed halfway down my throat.

Let’s back up a bit, no?

It’s no particular surprise that things in Law Firm Land have been a little less sunny than usual lately.  In the past couple of months alone, my firm has chucked out pretty much everything but the furniture and then, just in case the remaining suckers associates were getting too used to showering at home on a regular basis, the powers-that-be have made sure that we’re now racking up the billables at a near-inhuman pace.

So, when a new deal that I’d been hamster-wheeling on for eleven straight days died a sudden death late last week, I figured I’d take advantage of the lull, reward myself for the pain of the past few weeks—months? years?—and treat myself to something over-the-top luxurious. Something that makes me feel grateful that I still have a paycheck.  I wanted it to be ridiculously indulgent. I wanted it to be stupidly expensive. I wanted it, more than anything else, to be relaxing.

That was the first mistake.

Being utterly incapable of relaxing on my own, I decided that my big treat to myself would be a $395, two-hour “Ultimate Body Massage” at the most resplendently posh hotel spa in town.  From the minute I walked in, everything was perfect.  The lilac-scented steam room, the heated pool, even the free slippers were conspiring mercifully to make me shed my Big Law stresses, even if just for an afternoon.  And to top it all off, the massage therapist, David, was easily one of the hands-down hottest guys I think I’d ever seen—and no, I’m not talking about lawyer-hot; I’m talking about no-holds-barred, real-world, aspiring-actor hot.  So, lying there face-down on the massage table, naked and covered only by a silky, thin sheet while this Adonis started running his hands across my tired, broken little body, I shoved all thoughts of proxy statements, prick partners, and billable hours out of my head and settled in for a perfect two hours.

After the first hour of bliss, David rolled me over onto my back, placing a buckwheat eye mask onto my face to block out any light.  “Sooo,” he purred, “How are we feeling?”

Oh God, his voice is so soooothing.  Mmmm.


“Good, good.”

I was waiting for his hands to start going at it again, but there was nothing.  I tried “mmm”-ing again, but didn’t hear any movement.  Finally, his honey voice broke the silence.

“So, can I ask you something?”

I croaked out an “mmm-hm.”  Please God don’t let this be a legal question.

“I’m wondering if you’d like to try something.”

Oh. That was unexpected.  Why would he ask me— oh hey, WAIT, is he getting at what I think he might be getting at?  Could this actually be one of those hush-hush “happy ending” massages for ladies I heard about a while back—the ones I’ve never had the time (or the nerve) to pursue?  But wait, aren’t they usually at, like, hidden day spas in Chinatown where you have to ask for “Sved” and navigate some sort of secret handshake to get the party started?  I don’t think I gave off that kind of vibe when I introduced myself to David.  Hell, I don’t even think I made eye contact.  But maybe I seem so tightly wound that he can just sense the need?  Hm.  Well, either way, I’m…I’m game.  I think.

“We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to, of course,” David continued, all calm.

“No, well, it’s—”

“But I actually used to be in medical school, so.”

Medical school?  What the hell does that have to do with anything?

“It might feel…strange at first, but if you give in to it, I think you’re really going to experience something.”

Huh.  This isn’t quite going where I thought it would.

“Um, well, what…what is it?”

“Let me show you!” I could feel David smiling, his energy rising. “Let me just put on some gloves real quick.”

And now, friends, I’d like to take a moment to reiterate the obvious: The part of your day that finds you lying naked on a table, blindfolded, listening to the snap of latex gloves sliding on when you’re not, say, about to undergo abdominal surgery, is the part when you fling yourself off the table and get the hell out of the building.  But lo, I just sat there, frozen and blinded by buckwheat.

That, clearly, was the second mistake.

Before I knew it, David was hovering next to me, explaining that he was about to perform a “mouth massage.”  He started by gently poking a latex-covered finger into my mouth —“I know it sounds weird, I know it feels strange!”— and telling me to, yes, lightly suck his finger to “get my mouth loosened up.”  Unbelievably, I went along with it.  From there, he proceeded to stick a few more fingers into my mouth, rubbing my inner cheeks and gum lines, while I lay there with my mouth open as far as it would go, speechless and paralyzed.  Within minutes, he’d managed to work his whole hand and part of his forearm into my mouth and was starting to “massage” the back of my throat—which, wouldn’t you know it, feels remarkably like being choked.  OK, enough.  This is beyond insane.  I let out a faint protesting moan, the kind you might make at the dentist.

“Just give in to it!” he softly urged.

I tried to close my mouth—without much luck.

“Give in to it!”

Um, no, sorry, still not happening, guy.


Oh Jesus Christ, give in to what, you lunatic?  The fact that you have a hand the size of my leg jammed into my mouth? Or the fact that I’m such an unbelievable goddamn loser that I’m actually paying $400 to let it happen?

Finally, I just sat up, pulled my throat off his hand, swatted off the eye mask and hopped off the table, sheets and all, and waddled back to the changing room in disgrace.  Sitting in the locker room, six hundred times more tense than I was when I walked in, I couldn’t figure out why I’d let myself stay glued to that table, fully allowing this surreal oral assault to play itself out.  In my “real” life, my Big Law life, I’m a confident, assertive pain in the ass, if anything—why did I suddenly become so meek?  Or was I just trying to prove something to myself—that I actually am capable of “giving in to it,” of relaxing against all odds (the least of which being a scenario that involves some idiot pawing the back of my throat)?  Are things truly that bad in my world?  Have the slithering fingers of Big Law really reached out so far that they’ve finally choked the last breath out of any sense of self I used to have?

The only thing I can say for sure at this point is please.  Just please, the next time you’re lying around with a little time to spare, cash to burn, and a jonesing for some hard-core pampering, do yourself a favor and learn from my mistakes: Just go back to the office. At least there, when you find yourself with more than you can handle suddenly crammed down your throat, you can be sure that you’ll have plenty of company.

An excerpt of this essay is also being published today on everyone’s favorite legal tabloid, Above the Law.  Make sure to check it out here!


36 Responses to “They Can’t All Be Happy Endings”

  1. El on April 9th, 2009 6:43 am

    I think this is actually more disturbing that the layoff articles. Funny piece, LT. More like this.

  2. Anonymous on April 9th, 2009 6:46 am


  3. El on April 9th, 2009 7:42 am

    @ 6:46: um, no. Get a life.

  4. Long Dong Silver on April 9th, 2009 7:45 am

    If this broad’s mouth is big enough to handle this guy’s full hand and wrist, then she’d probably be able to handle my Dong. Girl, it’s much more natural and hygenic for you to use that orifice for dongs, not hands that have been GAWD knows where.

  5. Wha? on April 9th, 2009 9:30 am

    Why didn’t you report him to the spa’s management? I can’t understand people who experience this sort of thing and then just walk away, leaving the creep there for the next person. Show some cojones woman!

  6. Ella on April 9th, 2009 9:31 am

    7:45, is it just funny coincidence that a sexual perverse joke came from a guy whose initials are LDS?

  7. Anonymous on April 9th, 2009 9:35 am

    Ella @ 9.31 — NICE. I couldn’t agree more with the question.

  8. Former Upstate NY LMT on April 9th, 2009 11:09 am

    As a former LMT, I can categorically say this guy violated the codes governing massage therapy. That’s terrible. I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I encourage you to at least report the incident to the Board of Regents. I’m sure he had no *LMT* training in oral massage, and even so, his procedure failed to maintain communication you–the ability to communicate with the client, especially while doing anything intense or invasive, is a critical and very very basic part of all LMTs training. That is tested by the NYS Board of Regents exam for massage therapy.

    Or maybe he doesn’t even have a license? Having them on display is required–did you see one?

    Again, I’m sorry you had to endure something so awful.

  9. Anonymous on April 9th, 2009 11:58 am

    You seriously should’ve reported that, if for nothing else to get a free treatment (with a different masseuse).

  10. Pacific Reporter on April 9th, 2009 1:26 pm

    I got a half-chugger just reading that story. Choking her from the inside! I’ll have to try that next time.

  11. Anonymous on April 9th, 2009 1:50 pm

    this is hilarious

  12. Southern Lawyer on April 9th, 2009 2:10 pm

    BFW, I’m pretty sure that was the most disturbing thing I’ve ever read and I will never feel comfortable getting a massage again!! I’m also certain that if that had been me I would still be balled up in the corner of the steam rooming crying and asking if anyone has seen my mother.

    So, maybe you’re strong enough than you give yourself credit for…after all who shoves their hand down someone else’s throat and tells them to suck their finger that isn’t some Singapore hooker???

    Maybe he has a mouth fetish?? Either way that’s F-ed up and I TOTALLY would have raised hell with the front desk (..or maybe the next day over the phone when I back in a suit and feeling more dominate and less violated…)

    You should just stick to the 50 min. massage…no time to really “give in” to the mouth play, or just ask for a female.


  13. K on April 9th, 2009 2:21 pm

    Hi Legal Tease

    Have you ever considered writting a book?

    For all of us 3L’s, your stories are an excellent cautionary tale of BigLaw.

  14. Silence Dogood on April 9th, 2009 3:58 pm

    Ok, if you haven’t figured it out yet….these aren’t true stories. TA DA! If you’ve ever caught yourself asking, “how could all these crazy things happen to one person,” you’re right! They don’t! It’s fiction, so don’t take the fiction personally.

    -Silence Dogood

  15. Southern Lawyer on April 9th, 2009 5:17 pm

    Even the most outlandish pieces of fiction are at some point products of our own human experience.

  16. El on April 9th, 2009 5:19 pm

    SL: you got it.
    Silence: just because your life is a series of nonevents doesn’t mean everyone elese’s is. Now go back to surfing the internet, dear.

  17. Silence Dogood on April 9th, 2009 6:13 pm

    Southern Lawyer: Keep spouting meaningless crap with a philosophic patina. You should start your own blog with deep thoughts like that. Just because you imagine it doesn’t mean it actually happens.

    El: I’m not sure why I am debating with you on a point neither can prove, but my life isn’t a series of non-events. I’ll toss out that evidence of this fact is that this is the first time I’ve commented on this blog. If you need cheap romance novels to spice up your life, just own it. Don’t pretend this is something other than that.

    Bottom line for me: this blog was quasi-plausible and entertaining for a few of the times I’ve caught it in the past, but give me a break on this one. The author has apparently sunk to finding fringe internet porn fetishes and incorporating them into his/her own fictional “legal life.” Tune in next week: Alien probing in the bathroom of a document review…

  18. Elizabeth on April 9th, 2009 11:02 pm

    Hilarious, as usual. You always make me snort my Diet Doctor Pepper. That’s why I keep coming back, I love the feeling of bubbles in my nose.

  19. s'pieta on April 10th, 2009 12:40 am

    this is f**ing brilliant. you’ve got a new fan, Miss legal tease

  20. Ben Dover on April 10th, 2009 9:40 am

    This poor beeotch never seems to get an even break. She’s been penetrated every which way by now by more things than you can shake a stick at. I don’t honestly know why she is the one to get all this action. My guess is she looks very vulnerable so men take advantage of her.

    That El character is a bit to shrill for me, and the Southern Lawyer is really playing Mr. Sensitive. I think in reality, he’s riding them Southern Belle’s wearing nothing but a cowboy hat and spurs!

  21. Bill Dugan on April 10th, 2009 11:04 am

    I think this is fiction, but there’s something puzzling. No one would think twice if this woman gave oral sex to a guy, with that going all the way down her throat, but this time, a guy puts on a hygenic latex glove (like a rubber), and his gloved hand is all that different? Unless we’re talking about a filthy glove (a la Michael Jackson), I really dont see it as being all that different.

  22. Eileen DeBonis on April 11th, 2009 8:12 am

    Dugan, your a dummy—there is a big difference between a VOLUNTARY act of love, where the woman can control things, and the instant situation, where the Legal Tease was flat on her back, with the jerk shoving his hand down her throat.

    If the woman here was smart, she could have bitten his hand, and that would have caused him to remove it rapidly. In fact, that biting act would also work in a penal situation, with a lot more lasting pain for the guy that try to get inside more. That’s why men don’t push it, and let woman run the show when it comes to oral, and women are really in the driver’s seat with them controlling what to do with the “stick shift”.

  23. Anonymous on April 11th, 2009 11:58 am

    You should turn this into a book. It’s very entertaining and actually seems informative, whether its fiction or not. Thanks!

  24. Newbie on April 11th, 2009 1:15 pm

    I never thought any massage could be more disturbing than the couples massage I had in Lincoln Park, Chicago. Thanks for that. My mistress of terror was an Eastern Euro woman who had a hunch back, only opened one eye, burped into her mouth the entire time, and “rubbed” my back with her elbow. Her burp then exhale routine was strangely rhythmic, though not relaxing in the least. My then girlfriend just giggled at me from the other bed and refused to let me address the woman as Blinky.

    This was my second attempt after a massage failing miserably in Hot Spring, NC. They were renovating so the massages were in trailers and the woman looked like a Silver-back Gorilla. My advice, take your two weeks of vacation and import a man from South America. I’m sure with your firm you can find someone who does immigration.

  25. Li on April 14th, 2009 12:07 pm

    Yes, is not natural to have man shove hand into woman’s throat. In fact, no place good for this. Best to limit mutually agreed activity where woman decide first whether man do it, and then control how man do it. Otherise, woman take broom and stick up man’s ass.

  26. WTP on April 17th, 2009 12:04 pm

    Does Xuan Li remind anyone else of Tokyo Rose?

  27. Bill Dugan on April 17th, 2009 6:12 pm

    I think she’s a misguided woman with extra time on her hands. She probably could do a lot better things with her fingers–I have more than a few suggestions, that is, if she’s hot, young and good looking. With my luck, she’ll be a Yoko Ono look alike — high maintenance but not worth the trouble to bang.

  28. Anonymous on April 27th, 2009 9:59 pm

    where’s the legal tease? post more.

  29. ukchick on May 27th, 2009 9:45 am

    hilarious! not a pleasant experience i’m sure… but he may have been trying to do manual lymph drainage on you, a masseur i had once threatened to do the same as you’ve described to me but thankfully didn’t have any gloves to hand!

  30. Rufus on May 28th, 2009 2:21 pm

    I would not want some man sticking his fingers down my throat, or anywhere else. It’s bad enough when I go to the dentist, and he HAS to do that. This is more like an oral protological exam. Gross!

  31. Lisa on June 7th, 2009 6:17 am

    you should sue!

  32. Willem on July 12th, 2009 5:06 pm

    Ya, this woman needs to assert herself. She should not let a man stick his hands anywhere without consent. Otherwise, she has to write article about it.

  33. Late on July 20th, 2009 11:16 am

    Just found this blog – this is really hysterical article, if you ask me (which you didn’t). I agree with the commenters above that you might’ve been best to complain to management, if not sue for this assault. Still, quite funny and well-written!

  34. mcdonalds nutrition on January 17th, 2011 3:56 pm

    *It’s hard to find knowledgeable people on this topic, but you sound like you know what you’re talking about! Thanks

  35. Anonymous on January 18th, 2011 8:24 pm

    What happened to the posters?

    Have they moved on to greener pastures?

    Have they found men to marry them and/or support them?

    Are they no longer interested in the law?

    We want fresh material, please!

  36. Toya Mickens on August 8th, 2011 4:57 pm

    I will definitely recommend this to my friends

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