Deal Goggles
October 1, 2009 by Legal Tease
I should’ve seen this one coming, I know. I’ve had enough experience by now with sexual humiliation at the hands of Big Law to have known better. But no matter how seasoned, how street smart you may think you are, this one sneaks up on you without warning. One minute, you’re cruising along on a string of all-nighters for a fire-drill deal with a senior associate you know only well enough to find mildly repulsive; the next minute, you’re pinning him up against the wall of a file room with your Prada pencil skirt hiked up around your waist, clawing at each other like starved lunatics. The culprit: Deal Goggles. And let me assure you from recent personal experience, by the time you realize you’re wearing them, it’s way too late.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: Right, ha, Deal Goggles…Beer Goggles. Whatever. I’m a professional—I have enough self-control to resist hooking up with some beast at the firm just because we happen to be working on a deal together.
Well, congratulations. You’re a better person than I am. You’re also apparently not a Big Firm lawyer and/or anyone who’s ever worked on a real Big Law deal. See, friends, when you’re on a real Big Law deal—which is to say, when you’ve been at the office for 96 hours straight, are undershowered, overstimulated, and surrounded only by empty Wok ‘n’ Roll containers and second lien intercreditor agreements—whatever shred of self-control you thought you had left has long, long since abandoned you. You’re lucky if you don’t wind up trying to drown yourself in the handicap toilet down the hall, much less trying to avoid an unexpected, comprising sexual situation with the nearest warm body. In other words, when you’re in the heat of a deal, all bets are off—and the Deal Goggles are on. So, please, if you want to circumvent the extra slice of hell I all-too-recently served myself, listen up and consider the following:
1. Go toward the light. Metaphorically, at least. This is the cardinal rule of Deal Goggles avoidance. To illustrate the heart of this lesson, I present a recap of a conversation I just had with my always offensive, usually accurate man-whore friend, Max. When I relayed my horror about my recent, unexpected deal-time romp with Drew, the newly divorced fifth-year who was stuck in the trenches with me on an insane debt offering that closed a few weeks ago, Max offered the following:
“Your fault. You didn’t do the Deli Test,” he shrugged.
“What’s the Deli Test?”
“You know, when you’ve been out a bar or whatever and you’re fucked up and you’re gonna hook up with some girl, you make sure to stop at the nearest deli or bodega or whatever before you take her back to your place.”
“…why?”
He looked at me like I was clinically retarded. “So you can see what she looks like under the florescent lights before you get her in a cab. Tell her you need to stop to get some water or some shit. If she’s a dog in the light, you bail.”
“You’re repulsive.”
He grinned. “But I’m right.”
And…he was. Don’t get me wrong—no one’s expecting you to haul your supervising associate to the local bodega before you sign on to a deal. But before it heats up, try to spend at least a few minutes chatting with the poor slob, preferably in the daylight, just to get a sense of what you’re really in for. Because at 72 hours in, when you’re sleep-deprived, delirious and drowning in documents, the Deal Goggles slide right on and that pale, pudgy associate sitting across from you might as well be a Jolie-Pitt spawn as far as you’ll be able to tell. Trust me—before my deal with Drew started, I’d never looked at him for more than six seconds, much less spoken to him. But if I’d only taken the time to have a short, clear-headed convo with him before the deal went into overdrive, I might have noticed the moobs lurking under his wrinkled shirt, the chino nut-huggers paired with white socks, the way he sneers at the secretaries and inadvertently picks his nose after every other sentence. But I didn’t. And now I’m paying the price. Don’t let this happen to you—do your diligence.
2. Avoid Internet porn. In fact, just avoid the Internet, period. Picture it: You’re waiting for deal docs to come back from the other side at 3 a.m. and you’ve just spent 20 minutes surfing the Internet, bombarded with images of sexy young things enjoying life in various stages of carefree undress—and then you’re called into a conference call with your supervising associate. Four minutes in, you start to feel your gaze wander to his hands. You notice how big and strong they look. Huh, you hadn’t noticed that before. Now you can’t stop staring at his hands. Hm. You start to wonder what they might feel like, say, running down your back as he growls your name in a deep purr and pins you to your desk while— OK, do you see where this is going? Don’t handicap yourself from the outset. If you’re going to troll the Internet during deal downtime, fine—just make sure to stick to websites focused on things like health care reform, insects and Jesus. Venture past that and you’ll be flinging yourself into Deal Goggles territory before you can say “girls gone wild.”
3. Stay on topic. As any Big Law veteran can tell you, even the most intense deals involve at least a bit of downtime—usually around 3 a.m. That’s when the other associates start to wander into each other’s offices looking for a little caffeine and a little company. You start to gossip a bit, you start to ask a few personal questions, and then before you know it, bam, someone you barely know is telling you how he hates being a lawyer and has always wanted to quit the big city and open up a nursery school in Sedona. Suddenly, you feel an unexpected familiarity with him—an intimacy, even. You start to think, like I did after a late-night bonding session with Drew about 26 hours into the deal, Hey, I’m feeling a real connection here…maybe I was wrong, maybe this guy’s not the rude, condescending gunner troll that he seemed to be at first, maybe he wants to the same things in life that I do. But guess what? He doesn’t. And that “connection” feeling was just the Deal Goggles working overtime. Unless you want them working for you, too, make sure to keep the witching-hour conversations limited to topics you could find on the face of a proxy statement.
4. Don’t stray from the path. This is where those hearty types who have managed to avoid Deal Goggles up until now tend to stumble—and I was no exception. A good 72 hours into the deal, I heard a rumor about a “relaxation room” on the 44th floor of the firm, which supposedly is outfitted with a bed, a shower, the works. I told Drew, he didn’t believe me, and so we set out to find it. Now, roaming unfamiliar floors of your firm in the middle of the night with your supervising associate on some half-brained “adventure” is idiotic enough; roaming around looking for what’s essentially a bedroom is downright dangerous. Drew and I found the so-called relaxation room all right—it was basically a file room with a cot stuck in the corner. I don’t remember which one of us sat on the cot first to “see how it felt,” but I do remember that I was one who put my clothes back on first about seven minutes later. See, I didn’t realize it at the time, but the minute we stepped foot on the elevator to 44, we were goners. Because as soon as you leave the comfort zone of your office, as soon as all visual reminders of the deal are a few floors away, the Deal Goggles are sealed on tight and you’re past the point of no return. Which leads us to…
5. Too late. You succumbed. You’re horrified. Now what? OK, it happens. You couldn’t resist; the Deal Goggles got the best of you. At this point, once the deed is done and the goggles come off, one of two things will happen: You’ll be horrified—or you’ll be psyched and ready for round two. If it’s the latter, good for you; it looks like you’ve found yourself a work-fling. If, more likely, though, it’s the former, there’s only one way of handling it: Pretend it never happened. Really, what else can you do? There’s nothing to explain, nothing to justify. Take Drew and me. After our relaxation session, just as we were about to part ways and head off to our respective offices, confused and exhausted, we locked eyes for a second and suddenly started grinning. It hit us at the same time: We sure as hell weren’t in love, we weren’t even in like—we were just two overworked, undersexed drones frenzied with the need for a little human contact at the exact same moment. What else was there to say? Call it Deal Goggles, call it desperation, call it delirium—whatever you choose, just call it a night and move on. Remember, kids, you still have a deal to close.
So, for those of you who have already fallen prey to the temptations of Deal Goggles, know that you’re not alone—and that, with a little effort, you don’t need to falter again. And for all you non-believers out there who think that you’d never, ever fall for something as pathetic as obvious as so-called Deal Goggles, well, I’m sure you’re right. But the next time you find yourself stuck at the firm for three days straight, starving, exhausted, rounding your seventh month without sexual contact and trapped on a dead-end doc review with your least favorite associate (you know, the curvy one who just broke up with her boyfriend), do me a favor: The minute you start imagining what her legs might look like underneath her skirt after you’ve been chatting about hopes and dreams over a 2 a.m. Red Bull, think of me-and then wish yourself luck. Because trust me, honey, you’re gonna need it.
An excerpt of this essay is also being published today on everyone’s favorite legal tabloid, Above the Law. Make sure to check it out here!
Damn! I need to get out of litigation!! …or work harder…
I’m still trying to process the fact that your firm has a “relaxation room.” For what purpose exactly? THere’s another name for a relaxation room: home.
so, how is that you can look at internet porn at work????? yes, good advice, in theory but in practice perhaps rather unnecessary if you work at the average law firm. IMHO.
Is your firm accepting applications? No, really.
I would like to get a job at this law firm. I will even pay for a set of “deal gogles” if it means that a law woman who look like gazelle will have sex with me without strings and will not turn into posessive water buffalo.
My Aunt Ooona wishes for me to stay away from law women who will have easy sex with me, but I am a young man, a Ghanian Lion, and need to sow some wild oats with American legal women.
And I will not cause this law woman to be the “one who put her clothes back on first about seven minutes later” since as a Ghanian Lion, I will be able to last between 2-3 hours. The lucky law woman will walk away very tired but happy.
“Guano”: I can’t believe I’m about to engage in a dialogue here, but I have to admit that I agree that I, too, was insulted by the “one who puts her clothes back on about seven minutes later”. COME ON, LT!!!! You deserve a solid half hour AT LEAST!!!
Seriously, seven minutes is sad. At least try for ten next time, girl.
Ha, I noticed the 7 mins thing too and thought it was more disturbing than the rest. Then again, i’m not a lawyer, so maybe that’s generous timing in “Big Law.” If so, you can have it, thanks.
Hey, at least with 7 minutes, you can bill 0.2 hours instead of just 0.1.
@ M — HA! The (wo)man has a point!! “File administration” maybe?
“Guano” you should strongly consider giving up the whole Borat routine…its kind of getting old. …just saying
SL — here, here re: the lame-ass me-no-speek-English-good “Guano” bit. Not amusing, not relevant, and not even well done. Enough already.
El, and Southern Lawyer: I speak not the best English, but I am trying, and do not ask any of you to speak Urdu. I am interested in Legal Tease sexual activity, and would make it better for her. I will also date El or some other law woman who is interested in me, if Aunt Ooona approves.
…duche
I have been away from this sight for a number of weeks, and then I come back and see that the Legal Tease is again at it, this time with a pudgy sweaty associate with man-breasts? And all for 7 minutes, no less. Is that all that it’s worth? Can’t there ever be a meaningful relationship? I hope the fat associate did not ask the Legal Tease to do anything to him. That would really be disgusting since no one had bathed. Personally, I recommend not let any man near me unless you are in a committed relationship. This way, you know something about the man, and where he has been.
How sad it would be if the Legal Tease found out the pudgy associate was bisexual, and had a big smelly boyfriend. That would not be cool.
Guano, I forbid you to associate with this El character. I am afraid she will be after you for your money and your royal heritage. El, please stay away from my Guano, he is young and innocent and is heir to the royal Accra fortune.
I do think this DeBonis may have potential, although I will need to learn more before I consider giving her my blessing. DeBonis, if you are interested in my Guano, I will need to hear more from you to determine whether you are eligible to bear my Guano 3 sons. Please provide more detail, as I do not want to travel to the USA to meet you unless I have some assurance of your eligibility.
Yu Nichi Wa, Southern Lawyer.
I can assure you, Aunt Oona, that I have no interest in your Guano. From where I stand, he sounds like a little weenie to me, cuddling up to some women and ignoring others.
I think you have to teach Guano how to be diplomatic. Also, I have no interest in any man who is from Ghana (no offense, but I am American and love it here). Don’t get me wrong–there are enough local jerks out there that I do not have to go 1/2 way around the world to find another one. I think you will find some woman, probably local, who will marry your Guano and bear him children, but it will NOT be me. Sorry.
Everyone knows “guano” means bat sh*t. How fitting
Joe, ha! Good call. Couldn’t agree more with the assessment.
Joe, I have heard this from my friends in the USA, but in Ghana, all first born royal male heirs are so named, as this is what it means–first born royal heir.
I normally do not tell women of my royal heritage, as I want women to want me for me alone, not because I am rich, and will give them riches.
But since some people now use this other American definition for my name, I must clear the record in order to continue to attract and sample eligible females.
I realize there are other women who will appreciate me, even if Eileen does not want to transform from DeBonis to Dubango.
Guano Duchebago’s creator should really do a little more research on his routine. Ghana’s official language is English, and no one in Ghana speaks Urdu. Certainly no one with roots there long enough to achieve royalty.
Guano, I’ll marry you if you ain’t got the HIV.
I can assure you Jane that I am free from any kind of disease. What do you look like? Do you have a JD? Are you capable of bearing me children? Are you willing to return with me to Ghana?
Jane, are you there? I am still awaiting your answer. There are 2 other women lined up waiting for me and I can’t hold out much longer. Besides, I have much pent up energy just waiting to be released to the one who agrees to become Mrs. Dubango.
Guano, I am sure that Jane will not mind sharing you with the other two women. Heck there is enough Guano to go round, is there not.
Yes, but I am only one person, with not unlimited sexual energies. I seek the right woman to focus my attention on, and only if she is exhausted and tells me to go elsewhere will I dip my beak into another woman.
For now, however, I await the perfect complement. One who is both beautiful and bright, and willing to bear me children.
I will be 100% attentive to that woman, to the extent that she will be 100% satisfied with me.
BFW, where are you?!?!? two and a half months?! come on!! so much has happened since October 1st.
It appears our tease tires of this little effort to monetize media.
Perhaps she is all pooped out from all of that humping. I know even I would be after taking it up the rear!
A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The
client, who had attended the trial, was out of town when the jury
came back with its decision, which was in favor of the lawyer and his
client. The lawyer immediately sent a telegram to his client,
reading “Justice has triumphed!” The client wired back, “Appeal at
once!”
What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school? A fucking
know-it-all.
Upon seeing an elderly lady for the drafting of her will, the
attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing
that it was stuck to another $100 bill. On seeing the two bills
stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney’s mind:
“Do I tell my partner?”
What do you call 400 lawyers at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean? A
great start.
Honestly Carla, we’ve all heard these lame lawyer jokes. You should be a tad more original, don’t you think?
wow, “carla”, your jokes are hiLARious. and so original. did you think them all up yourself?
Cut Carla some slack. At least she’s a legal broad with a sense of humor. Most broads take it for granted that we’ll do anything to get to the honey hole.
Thanks, Al. You seem pretty cool. Here’s another one for you!
A Rabbi, a Monk, and a lawyer are riding down the road when their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere.
Spotting a farmhouse they walk over and tell the farmer they need a place to stay the night while they wait for a tow.
“I’ve got room in the house for two of you but someones gonna have to sleep in the barn.” says the farmer.
The Rabbi says, “I’ve no problem with that, I’ll go.” He leaves.
Five minutes later there’s a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door and the Rabbi is there.
He says, “Sir there is a pig in that barn; in my religion pigs are unclean, I cannot sleep under the same roof with a pig.”
The Monk speaks up and says, “I have no problem with pigs I’ll go sleep in the barn.” He leaves.
Five minutes later theres a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door and the Monk is there.
“Sir there is a cow in that barn; in my religion cows are sacred, I cannot sleep under the same roof with a cow.
The lawyer responds, “I’ll go sleep in the barn, I’ve got no religion.” He leaves.
Five minutes later theres a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door and the pig and the cow are standing there.
I like this Carla. Maybe she is interested in having relations with male lawyers who can provide her with laughs and entertainment? I can fit that bill for her and can be very funny. Carla, are you Italian? I like Italian women. I hear Italian women are very HOT!
Ok, I give, I can’t make Carla shut up, so I am gonna join her:
A synagogue is getting audited by the IRS. The IRS agent is being a dick and giving the rabbi a hard time.
IRS agent: Ok, What do you do with the leftover crumbs from the passover matza?
Rabbi: We take the crumbs, sweep them into an empty matza box. When the box is full, we mail it back to the manufacturer and they send us a brand new box.
IRS Agent: OK OK, what do you do with the crumbs from the matza balls?
Rabbi: Same thing, we sweep them into an empty matza ball box. When that box is full, we mail it back to the manufacturer and they send us a brand new box.
IRS Agent: Alright, what are you doing with the foreskins from all the circumcisions?
Rabbi: Well, its pretty much the same thing. We put them into an empty box. When we get a full box, we mail it to the IRS, AND THEY SEND A LITTLE PRICK LIKE YOU.
This is good, Anonymous! But where is the Legal Tease? Has she found a real “Little Prick” of her own to keep her happy and warm over the holidays? I kind of enjoyed reading about her, but now figure she has finally found a real man for love. I’m sure we’d all agree with her that when it’s cold out, there’s nothing better than a hot knockwurst to warm your insides.
Not clear. This all sounds STANKY to me.
Hi, I’ve been away from this sight for a while. What has been going on? What have I missed? Is this the latest post? I’ve been busy with a new girl and I guess the girls here have found men, too.
At this point, there may only be one or 2 different explanations for her absence.
Has anyone read the Urban Dictionary’s explanation for
http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=nignog%20in%20the%20kazoo&defid=1757625
I suppose if I were a young female lawyer, I might go for this rather than posting articles here.
You do realize that essays like this simply make law seem even more horrifically boring that it already does?
I feel less alone. I love you.
who is this guamo dude??
If you are female, and attractive, I will visit with you overnite and show you.
Let’s get aome new posts here. I think the Legal Tease must be basking in her NY Times glory. We will settle for some stories about her glory hole.
You know I doubt this Legal Tease is white. Those lips on the site are Hispanic lips. Also, she obviously hates big life, and minority women are the one’s who have the biggest problem with that. I wonder if this would matter to Southern Lawyer.
What difference does it make what color she is? If she is white, she very likely prefers black men. In the meantime she may well be getting some pretty hot sex, and probably not from the Southern Lawyer, who I think may have been “holding his own” these past few months waiting for the Legal Tease to tease him and the rest of us too. I would be very willing to provide the Legal Tease with all of the action she seems to crave, but I also would treat her like a lady. I would buy her dinner, and provide nice flowers for her both the night before and after.
Can we get some fresh output already? I hope this site is not going to become dormant.
okay well…i guess i’ll just delete this bookmark
Where is the Legal Tease? My guess is that she has found a guy who is banging her bottom out every nite, and as a result, she does not have enough time to share any more stories with us.
If any one has any information about the Legal Tease, and who is servicing her, please let us know.
Where the #$@%@% is the Legal Tease? Elmer is right. She’s finally found some one to give her some serious LOVIN’
Given the choice between posting here and getting it regularly, I’d also opt for the latter.
If there are other women willing to post, step right up to the plate.
No way. She is just board with this little effort to “Monetize Media” because she is not making anything on it in this horrible economy. It is hard to write short fiction and not get paid when you are working 70 hours a week.
You get exposure through this website. Yes, there may not be money in it, but she can claim some extra credit. Where else could this woman have 100 or so men (and women) all looking for her?
It’s like the old New Yorker cartoon “On the Internet, no one knows you’re a dog”……
She’s top shelf to us, at least for now.
Where is this dame? I agree with the posters above that the Legal Tease must be getting some serious boning by a partner at the law firm.
Let’s petition the legal tease to share — stories only, not the little weenie she’s been impaling herself upon the last 6 months.
Where is this lady? Can she just make a curtain call and let us know where she is and whether she is getting it regularly now?
We need to move on to some other horny beeoch who is in need of it.
She is definitely getting it somewhere else. Oh well, one less broad in heat.
I miss this blog!
Yes, now that I learned what boobies are, when will there be articles telling new summer associates when it is appropriate for us to take our tops off at work?
Are there really any good looking women lawyers out there willing to bang like this one? If so, can there be a list posted here, with pictures?