News Roundup 11.13.09

It was only a matter of time before dragon-eyed baby farmer Jon Gosselin found himself a new lawyer—and that time is now, apparently.  In the latest installment in his kids’ future rehab story-circles, Gosselin has filed a $5 million lawsuit against the TLC network, claiming that its representatives damaged his reputation and career by preventing him from working with other media outlets.  Yep, that’s what did all that damage.  [People]

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Speaking of Parents of the Year, Colorado’s own Richard and Mayumi Heene, parents of the vomit-prone (never-went-in-a-) ballon boy are  reportedly pleading guilty today to the felony charge of attempting to influence a public servant in connection with their flying saucer hoax.  The apparent motivation for the plea was the likely deportation of Mayumi, a Japanese citizen, if the case proceeded to trial.  As the Heene’s lawyer explained, a deportation “would have put the family at grave risk of seeing a loving, caring, compassionate wife and mother ripped from the family and deported.”   Fair point.  Whatever would the kids do without all that caring.  [Huffington Post]

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“Mamas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Lawyers.”   No, it’s not some weak joke; it’s the actual name of a new study by a Vanderbilt law school professor debating whether a law degree—a degree that demands three years of your time, $200K of your money and every waking minute of your life thereafter if you plan to work in the only kind of legal job that will actually allow you to pay back your tuition for said degree—is a good idea.  Guess how that debate shakes out?  [WSJ Law Blog]

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One of the downsides of murdering a famous person: Your name just might show up on the Interwebs.  Sorry.  Apparently two Germans convicted of killing an actor in 1990 never quite figured that out; they’re now suing Wikipedia’s parent in an effort to force the online encyclopedia to remove their names from an English-language entry about their crime. [ABA Journal]

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If you were holding out hope that kids today aren’t shooting each other over things like 40-cent chicken wing promotions, you’re not going to like this.  [NY Times]

News Roundup 11.12.09

Point one of the Practioner’s Guide to Getting Away With Sexual Harrassment:  Avoid cucumbers in close quarters.  Apparently, the geniuses over at Richmond-based law firm Williams Mullen skipped that one—and are facing a $950,000 discrimination and sexual harrassment suit by a former employee because of it.   And according to the complaint, cucumber incidents should be the least of their worries.  [Above the Law]

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We’re not sure what’s more troubling: That FantasyScotus.net, a new legal gambling site for law lovers, is up and running—or that “FantasyScotus.com” was already taken.  [WSJ Law Blog]

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The NYPD is reporting that Lionel McIntyre, a prominent (black) architecture professor at Columbia University, punched a female (white) university employee in the face at a Harlem bar yesterday during a “heated argument about race relations.”   Can’t wait to see how their argument on gender relations turns out.  [NY Post]

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Who knew that the name ”Lawyer of Love” was such a hot property?  Cori Fetman, the Chicago divorce lawyer who used to pen a “Lawyer of Love” advice column for Playboy Magazine and once posed half naked on a billboard in Chicago to promote her law practice (“Life’s Short.  Get a divorce.”) is now being sued by the magazine to stop her from using the Lawyer of Love name on her website.  Fetman claims in her own lawsuit against Playboy that she lost the column because she turned down sexual advances by one of the magazine’s execs.  I know, we can’t keep it all straight, either.    [ABA Journal]

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Something to make you feel a little better about your own sex life—well, or maybe worse:  Caroline Cartwright, a British woman who was banned from making loud noises during sex has lost an appeal against her conviction in a British court.  A neighbor described the lurve noises as sounding  like Cartwright and her partner were “both in considerable pain. I cannot describe the noise. I have never ever heard anything like it.”   See, you do feel better, don’t you?  Sort of?  [BBC News]

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Are you one of those lawyers beseiged by letters from self-proclaimed adoring fans?  In other words, are you exactly like Marc Randazza, the attorney who successfully represented the owner of satirical website called glennbeckrapedandmurderedayounggirlin1990.com against an attack by Glenn Beck?  Well, then, you’d do well to start taking notes from Mr. Randazza on how to respond to fans.  Because as far as we can tell, his approach has ‘em all beat.  Hats off.    [THResq]

News Roundup 11.11.09

So, we drop off the radar here at the SHJ Hot News desk for a few short days (OK, fine, a few more than a few), and we’re welcomed back with stories of an S&M-loving lady lawyer living in Russia, a sex-tape-loving lady monster living in California, a legal bitchslap for Glenn Beck, a legal lovetap for Obama’s healthcare bill, a historically humiliating day for the Justice Department and a low point for Big Law associates everywhere, courtesy of Cravath.  Clearly, we need to drop off the radar more often.

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And you thought beauty queens couldn’t get any classier than Carrie the Good Masturbating Christian Prejean. Obviously, you haven’t met England’s own Rachel Christie, the reigning Miss England who was forced to give up her crown after being arrested for starting a brawl in a nightclub with another beauty queen.  [Brisbane Times]

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Eight words you probably never thought you’d hear: “Bernie Madoff’s wooden duck decoy can be yours.” We’re not kidding—on either front.  [Gawker]

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Just when the public had run out of things to mock about Joe Halderman, David Letterman’s failed exortionist, his lawyer goes and files a motion to dismiss the case against him on the theory that Halderman was just trying to pitch Dave a screenplay, arguing that Halderman’s conduct was nothing but “a pure commercial transaction.”  Let the mocking resume.  [Popsquire]

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No, there’s no such thing as too many sex tapes in one week.  Although J.Lo would likely disagree.  A California judge shut down the singer’s ex-husband, Ojani Noa, from distributing a soft-core “movie” about his famous ex called ”How I Married Jennifer Lopez: The J.Lo and Ojani Noa Story,” which features racy footage from the pair’s 1997 honeymoon.  ”She is not being fair,” Noa griped after hearing the judge’s ruling, “She’s trying to stop me from moving on with my life.”  Which seems to be working out well for Noa so far.  [NY Post]

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One of the pros of having Justice Kennedy speak at your high-school assembly: You get to have…Justice  Kennedy speaking at your high-school assembly.  One of the cons: Good luck trying to write about it in your high-school newspaper without getting the good Justice’s publication approval first.  The kiddies over at Manhattan’s Dalton School learned the hard way.  [NY Times]