The Marrying Kind

Oh, friends, I know: Where have I been lo these past few months?  I’d like to say that I’ve been off on a soul-searching journey, finding peace within Big Law.  Or pursuing emotional self-improvement.  Or romping around with an aspiring actor type with soccer legs and a limited vocabulary.  But, sadly, I can’t say any of those things.  Truth be told, I’ve been pursuing self-improvement of a different kind.  There’s no way of admitting this without getting ambushed, so I’ll just lay it out there: I had a breast augmentation.  A big, round, expensive one.  And if you’ll forgive the hubris, the new additions are pretty incredible.

Now, before you start judging, hear me out.  Anyone who is even remotely familiar with the parade of psychopaths populating my romantic life knows that I’ve had no luck in finding The One.  The whole law-degree thing just hasn’t reeled them in like I thought it would.  At this point in my life, I just want to meet a professional, well-educated man and I realized a few months ago that I needed to take more drastic action to make it happen.  And I figured that inflating my boobs to the point where I resemble a pair of engorged cantaloupes resting on a blanched pretzel rod seemed like a good— oh crap, wait, that’s not right.  I was getting myself confused with our favorite litigious ex-Citi siren, Debrahlee Lorenzana, there for a minute.  Sorry.  I’ve just actually been at the office this whole time. [Read more]