The Marrying Kind

June 14, 2010 by  

Oh, friends, I know: Where have I been lo these past few months?  I’d like to say that I’ve been off on a soul-searching journey, finding peace within Big Law.  Or pursuing emotional self-improvement.  Or romping around with an aspiring actor type with soccer legs and a limited vocabulary.  But, sadly, I can’t say any of those things.  Truth be told, I’ve been pursuing self-improvement of a different kind.  There’s no way of admitting this without getting ambushed, so I’ll just lay it out there: I had a breast augmentation.  A big, round, expensive one.  And if you’ll forgive the hubris, the new additions are pretty incredible.

Now, before you start judging, hear me out.  Anyone who is even remotely familiar with the parade of psychopaths populating my romantic life knows that I’ve had no luck in finding The One.  The whole law-degree thing just hasn’t reeled them in like I thought it would.  At this point in my life, I just want to meet a professional, well-educated man and I realized a few months ago that I needed to take more drastic action to make it happen.  And I figured that inflating my boobs to the point where I resemble a pair of engorged cantaloupes resting on a blanched pretzel rod seemed like a good— oh crap, wait, that’s not right.  I was getting myself confused with our favorite litigious ex-Citi siren, Debrahlee Lorenzana, there for a minute.  Sorry.  I’ve just actually been at the office this whole time.

Oh Miss Debrahlee, ardent supporter of workplace fairness, champion of the tight turtleneck set, who is your publicist? Because, honey, that’s who you should be suing.  Did no one advise you?  Did no one sit you down and tell you how to navigate these blog-infested waters—waters where a little Google stalking can take you from being the Norma Rae of the Hot Harassed to Tits on a Stick in 36 hours flat?  Clearly not.  Please, then, for the sake of your lawsuit, for the sake of the 9–13 minutes you have left, take a seat, kick off your Vuitton platform wedges and take heed of the following:

“An Open Letter to Debrahlee Lorenzana,” or “Professional, Well-Educated Men Do Not Marry Tits On a Stick”

Miss Debrahlee, when I first saw the headlines that a lady banker had been fired from Citi for being “too hot,” my first thought was “A hot lady banker?  Is that possible?”  And then it quickly became clear that no, it’s not—unless by “banker,” you mean “person who works in a bank.”  OK, fine, I thought, so you aren’t exactly a rising managing director at Citi—but that doesn’t make what you claimed happen to you any less infuriating.  You’re a working mom in a respectable job who is also naturally full-breasted.  What were you supposed to do?  Tape down your boobs?  Lop ’em off?  As a naturally curvy lady myself, I empathize with the what-to-do-with-the-boobs problem plaguing any victim of a business-casual culture.  If we wear clothes that fit, we look like strippers; if we wear clothes that hide our boobs, we look like fat strippers.  Either way, we’re screwed.  So, yeah, I was on your side, Debrahlee.

And then I saw the video.

Don’t play dumb, Debrahlee—you know which one I mean.  Yes, that one.  The one where you don a tube top and shill for a plastic surgery factory on Strong Island by scooting around the local grocery store holding giant melons up to your chest.  The one where you admit that you want a second boob job so you can achieve your goal of looking like a cross between “Carmen Electra and Pamela Anderson.” The one where you shriek that you just want to look like “tits on a stick” so you can “meet a professional, well-educated man.”

Oh, Lee-Lee, this is where you went tragically wrong.  But not for the reasons most folks think.

I could care less that you’ve had two or three or twelve boob jobs—or any “jobs” for that matter.  I’m all for cosmetic surgery.  If you hate your nose or your flat chest or your weird flap ears, change them.  Hell, if you want to make yourself look like a human blow-up doll or a tiger or a melting wax statue of a horse dressed like a drag queen, have at it.  Do it because you feel ugly, or because you hate the way you look in clothes, or because, yes, you’ve always wanted to look like a tiger. Just please, for the love of God, don’t admit that you’re doing it to meet a guy—much less a “professional, well-educated one.”  Because that’s where you lost the ladies, Debrahlee.

See, when you were just a working mom with a gorgeous body who got fired for getting your sad, old sex-starved bosses all hot and bothered by virtue of your sheer existence, we were on your side.  Even when we found out that the gorgeous body was a product of surgical wizardry, we were still there for you.  After all, who is Citi—or anyone—to punish you for having a hot body lurking under work-appropriate, fashionable clothes, regardless of where that body came from?  You were able to play the victim-of-circumstance card and it was working.  But then you tried to have it both ways.

And you can’t, Debrahlee.

You can either play the female empowerment card, embrace your right to alter your own body and rail against the conservative powers-that-be for subjugating your tasteful expression of your female sexuality…or you can play the just-lookin-for-a-sugar-daddy card, cross your fingers and hope for a spot on the next season of Millionaire Matchmaker.  At this point in your media arc, we don’t know if you’re truly looking for justice or just looking for a guest spot on the Real Housewives of Queens Plaza.  Are you the Madonna or the Whore?  Huh?  HUH?  Because lord knows we can’t have it both ways.  That would just be confusing to us.  And if we’re confused, we can’t root for you—and if we can’t root for you, what’s the point?

I mean, honestly, what kind of background music would the Today Show producers know how to play on your on-air segment?  (A gentle yet inspiring strings section, or something with a sexy beat, maybe some reggaeton?)  Should the Times deign to pick up your story, or are you merely Post-worthy?  And how would we know what side we should take on your tale when we’re out to drinks with the girls?  Or, more importantly, the boys? STOP CONFUSING US!

So that’s where you failed us, Debrahlee.  Or maybe your publicist did.  Either way, you blew it.  Next time, just pick one: Madonna or Whore.  Just whatever you do, don’t blur them.  Because then you might actually be a woman who admits that it’s okay to want to look like tits on a stick and have a decent, white-collar job and get the guy in the end.  The professional, well-educated one.

God forbid.

An excerpt of this essay is also being published today on everyone’s favorite legal tabloid, Above the Law.  Make sure to check it out here!

Comments

34 Responses to “The Marrying Kind”

  1. Anonymous on June 14th, 2010 9:18 am

    First!

  2. Alma Federer on June 14th, 2010 10:22 am

    Pretty women like me should NOT have to have any work done so that men will notice me. My body is just fine as it is, thank you VERY much.

    I have a JD, and my father said I am beautiful AND smart. Therefore I say that men can either take me AS IS, or not at all. Men are slobs if they want for me to get my breasts done for them.

    I am NOT a Purdue game hen whose breasts are there for inspection.

    I do NOT see men getting penile enhancements and running around telling people they did, so why would they demand I look more like a cheerleader before they will date me?

    I have a law degree, and that should make me desirable and sexy enough, and if it is not, then I just say FOOEY to those men.

    I would not just have sex with them anyway. So they would not see my body until we were at least engaged.

  3. About Time on June 14th, 2010 10:56 am

    She’s back!!!! Finally.

    Sheesh.

  4. Anonymous on June 14th, 2010 11:48 am

    Madonna is a whore. Isn’t that common knowledge anyway? I don’t see what the big deal is.

  5. Anonymous on June 14th, 2010 12:37 pm

    This woman is a sad , overplayed joke who gives a bad name to legitimate victims of workplace harassment everywhere. Let her finish up her 15 minutes and then can we please all move on. But can writers everywhere please put a moratorium on fruther articles about her before it gets even worse? Please? I dont’ want to read about this slut anymore.

  6. Guano Dubango on June 14th, 2010 6:11 pm

    I would like to meet this woman. Even the Puerto Rican appears to have the kind of body I have been looking for.

    My Aunt Ooona would approve of this woman’s pelvic measurements, as I believe she is capable of bearing me three children before she gets too old.

    I am confident I would be interested enough to try and conceive a child at least once every nite, and this woman should be willing to conceive. If she is eligible and interested, she can share in my fortune. She need only bear me a male heir who is healthy.

  7. Anonymous on June 14th, 2010 10:28 pm

    Guano’s back! With “Aunt oona” of course. today is like old timers’ day for fans of this blog. Where’s the Southern Lawyer????

  8. Joe Dick on June 15th, 2010 5:43 am

    I’m afraid the long posting absence by the Legal Tease may have resulted in a terminal case of blue balls for the Southern Lawyer.

    He’s probably trying to perfect a “holistic” approach to dating after watching old reruns of Mad Men.

    Who knows, maybe he’s now finding Helen Thomas and Betty Friedan to be sexy.

  9. Jack on June 15th, 2010 10:17 am

    Don’t worry, Legal Tease. You will never find, nor are you worthy of a “professional, well educated man” yourself. We like women with class and femininity, not trashy female lawyers who fuck virtual strangers on the floor of their office AND who crave “an aspiring actor type with soccer legs and a limited vocabulary.”

  10. Ian on June 16th, 2010 9:13 am

    Madonna
    Catholics and other Christians sometimes call Mary, the mother of Jesus Christ, the Madonna.

  11. Debra Veoli on June 16th, 2010 2:26 pm

    I personally like the Legal Tease, and the heck with men that put her down for being adventurous. It is important for women not to marry the first guy they bed down with, if they do, they run the risk of never knowing if their sex is any good.

    I dated a guy who refused to go down on me, even tho I am very clean. I got rid of him and my next BF constantly had every kind of sex we could have. I decided to try a more conservative guy, and it turned out his technique was exactamundo what I needed.

    So I stayed with him for a year and had great sex. Now we are separated by 3 hours so I have found a new BF. The sex is good, but not the best.

    Now that I have sampled more than 5 guys, I know what I will be getting into before I marry.

    That’s just what the Legal Tease is doing. Kudo’s to her. And who cares if she is not a virgin. Not me. And the guys that do are hippocrites, since they would hump her in a heartbeat.

    Keep up the good work, Legal Tease, just watch out for STD’s. And never go down on a guy you don’t know for at least a week.

  12. Guano Dubango on June 17th, 2010 7:04 am

    I would be happy to provide sexual pleasure to the Legal Tease.

    Where do I get in line in order to do so?

  13. Anonymous on June 17th, 2010 7:05 am

    I am speechless if she would agree to this.

  14. anony on June 17th, 2010 3:58 pm

    ummm, guano and anonymous up there, has the legal tease ever indicated that she would agree to this???

    am I missing something?

  15. Vinnie on June 18th, 2010 5:26 am

    The legal tease has not pubically declared her availability, but I surmise she would not turn down an “eligible” guy.

    If any of the turkeys reading this qualify, I am sure they can contact the legal tease through this website and she can inspect their “qualifications”.

  16. Anonymous on June 21st, 2010 12:24 pm

    I prefer not to be named, but I agree a girl must have enough sex before she agrees to settle down with the “right” guy.

    Personally, I have slept (and had other kinds of romantic sex) with over 30 men. Does that make me a whore, when the guys I have slept with have had sex with 30 or more women? I don’t think so.

    Why is it that women have to be virginal (or near so) when they marry, or they are whores, but men who have screwed as many (or more) women are just plain “experienced”.

    Why is it that a woman with “experience” is a whore? Just because we have sampled different men?

    What about someone who has been with the same 3 guys for 30 times each? Is she any the less a “whore” in your books?

    You guys are losers. I will not hide behind the fact I have had a lot of experience. I now know that no two dicks are alike.

  17. Alberto on June 22nd, 2010 5:07 am

    Anonymous, scusa, but what are you doing tonight? Do you want for us to meet for drinks? I feel today is my good luck day.

  18. Julius Teaser on June 22nd, 2010 2:36 pm

    I don’t believe it. The Legal Tease is jealous because a single mom without much education upstaged her. This Debrahlee chick sounds like real gold digger though. Sounds like she thought she could press her top section against that glass ceiling and break through, but got tired of having those on top just enjoy the show. She found another way to get some money. What she should do is start a website like this.

  19. Alberto on June 23rd, 2010 6:18 am

    Julius, I am first in line for the Legal Tease. Do not try to cut head of me please. Your name is not going to get you in with her. I am Alberto and I already have a JD, so I am first in line.

  20. Jack on June 24th, 2010 3:32 am

    Anonymous 12:24 -

    “Personally, I have slept (and had other kinds of romantic sex) with over 30 men. Does that make me a whore, when the guys I have slept with have had sex with 30 or more women? I don’t think so.”

    Of course it does. There are two kinds of women – good girls and sluts. You’re a bigtime slut. Now sluts do have their purpose. You’re good for a pump-and-dump, for a guy to get more experience (As long as you get your nasty pussy tested). It doesn’t matter how many a man sleeps with. You’re competing against other women, not against men.

    “Why is it that a woman with “experience” is a whore? Just because we have sampled different men?”

    Using the word “sampled” to discuss your spreading your legs for lots of men shows you view men as expendable. This is natural, because your high number of dicks has made it harder for you to bond with one man. Men and women are DIFFERENT. Men don’t whine when we are expected to be protectors, pay for dates, etc. So women need to not complain when they are expected to act like ladies – IF they want a real relationship. A nasty whorish woman like yourself is a terrible wife prospect because a man will have no idea if his kids are his, or if he will catch an STD. You’re the girl we take home from the bar, not the girl we take home to mom.

    “What about someone who has been with the same 3 guys for 30 times each? Is she any the less a “whore” in your books?”

    Of course she’s less of a whore. She can commit to one man at a time. DUH.

  21. Anonymous on June 24th, 2010 3:57 pm

    Poor Jack needs some girl to give him some.

  22. Loureline on June 24th, 2010 8:38 pm

    I might, but he will have to pay real $ for it. And no anal, either. Conservative guys like Jack always want to nail me that way, but no way, Jack.

  23. Guano Dubango on June 26th, 2010 5:51 pm

    A thousand pardons, I am so happy that we won in Soccer. Even though I am here in the USA, I still root for Ghana in the world cup. Now that they have won, perhaps I will have more success with the ladies.

    Are there any law women who want to examine my tribal golden medallion under my tribal dashiki? It is genuine GOLD (24K).

  24. Unlawful Tease on June 28th, 2010 8:44 pm

    Guano, so what if Ghana beat the US in soccer?

    You are not any closer to getting in good with the ladies. And no, your dashiki is not something women are interested in examining.

    If you want to advance sexually, your first order of business is to ensure you take a good shower, with soap. A stanky guy from Ghana is not what US women fantasize about.

  25. Anonymous on July 3rd, 2010 7:30 am

    I see Ghana is now out of it

  26. Julius Teaser on July 21st, 2010 3:11 pm

    No Beto (Alberto), I am not trying to cut in line, even though I have a J.D. too. I just think that other chick could start a site like this. She could call it the Corporate Tease. Or the Big Corporate Whore. As for the tease, she’s all yours.

  27. Anonymous on July 22nd, 2010 9:01 pm

    The tease does not seem that hot, now that she’s been with so many guys. She’s more like an old rubberband that has lost here elasticity.

    Give me a wirgin anyday. Legal Wirgin…..that one I’ll buy.

  28. Anonymous on July 24th, 2010 3:12 pm

    Find a decent female law student / lawyer who is a “wirgin” and I’ll eat my hat, among other things.

    Fact is that they’re in law school b/c they’ve not found a guy, not for lack of trying, and have to support themselves.

    Those are hardly “wirgins”.

  29. Anonymous on August 3rd, 2010 8:15 pm

    Get some fresh material. This is like a woman law student who hasn’t douched or changed her underwear in a month…..STANKY!

  30. Anonymous on August 14th, 2010 10:53 am

    It’s 8/14, and the woman STILL hasn’t changed her underwear? Peeee—Youoooo!!!

    What a stenchmeister!

    Now who cares of she let a partner touch her boobs?

    She is now Uber-STANKY!

  31. Anonymous on August 22nd, 2010 8:45 am

    New material please? Has Sweet Hot counsel turned into sour cold counsel?

  32. Emily on September 14th, 2010 1:10 am

    I am new to this blog, and I LOVE Legal Tease. This article is fabulous and completely true. And to the sexist pigs bashing your articles … God forbid a woman actually enjoy being sexual. As I’m in law school right now, can someone tell me if the whole lawyer community is as disgusting as comments on this blog seem to suggest? If I had to work with people like these every day, I think I might rather be a janitor. And if this is what the lawyer dating pool is like, I’m pretty happy sticking with Engineers.

  33. Anton on September 14th, 2010 5:54 am

    @Emily: Stop bashing men. We are the ones responsible for your orgasms.

  34. Anonymous on November 20th, 2010 10:40 am

    Why marry a woman if she will screw for free? I think you get the best of all worlds when you get a woman who will f***ck, then just stay at her place. You can go home when you want and stay over when you want, getting p****ssy when she is clean, and staying away when she’s stinky (and crabby). Why bother marrying when you can just F****uck @ will. Sure she will want to marry you, but when that happens, you can just move on to another woman. By then, she’s probabley all f***cked out anyway.

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