When Cougars Attack (at the Firm): Help!

August 26, 2010 by  

Q:  Role reversal…yeah this time a guy is looking for advice.  I am a summer associate at the job of my dreams.  I know that when I graduate a year from now this is where I want to work and the way things are going I think they will have me.  The problem… last week at a firm-wide social event a very sexy recently divorced partner made very explicit and very obvious passes at me.  So much so that everyone within earshot was aware. Here is the kicker: The partner is the female and I, the (more then willing) summer associate, am a guy.  I guess my question is, does it make a difference if I entertain her ideas now versus waiting until the summer is over?  The way I see it, if I wait until my summer employment is over I will be treading with at least a modicum of discretion.

A: Hold up—before I go any further, let me make sure I read the kicker right: A partner with lady parts made a pass at a male summer associate? Are you sure it wasn’t just a man partner dressed like a lady?  Or maybe a paid hooker escort person dressed up like a partner?  You must be confused.  Are they even letting women turn into lawyers nowadays?

My child:  So much about your question makes me nervous for your future.

One, was this summer associate gig really the “job of [your] dreams”?  Why was that, exactly?  Was it the cool, interesting people?  The stimulating work? The respect for work-life balance?  Or was it the three grand a week you took home for having free lunches and attending firm-wide social events where sexy divorcees try to get a handful in between client meetings?  See, love, your experience as a summer was designed to have you leave for your final year of law school thinking exactly what you’re thinking: This place is awesome. I cannot wait to work here. Because it is my dream job. And yes, being a summer associate gig is indeed a dream job. Too bad it’s not even remotely related to being a real associate.  If you want to have any shot of not finding yourself wandering the halls of your firm looking for a stool and and some strong rope by, say, February of your first year, start learning how to separate fiction from reality.  Now.

Two, and speaking of fiction: This very sexy recently divorced partner?  The one who practically dropped to her knees and unzipped your Brooks Brothers plain-fronts in plain view of the entire firm?  She doesn’t remember your name. Actually, she never knew it. Because for all intents and purposes, your name was Twentysomething Boy Toy Who Will Erase My Pain For One Night And Allow Me To Skip Cardio At My Personal Training Session Tomorrow Morning.

So…good news!  Your question is actually…irrelevant.  This partner had had a couple of drinks, thought you were hot—or at least, “hot,”—remembered that she hasn’t had sex since a year before the divorce, got an email on her BlackBerry sending over her latest batch of eHarmony matches right before her third drink, died a little inside for that day, eyeballed the room, remembered that you’d be gone in a week and figured you’d do just fine. She doesn’t want to get to know you. She doesn’t want to date you. She probably doesn’t even want to know who your favorite Supreme Court Justice is. You were a fleeting thought. See, even though I have no doubt that you’re veritable catnip to the undergrad female population hanging around your law school, female partners—even the divorced, sexy ones—generally don’t list third-year law students at the top of their Eligible Bachelors list. Sorry.

So, calm down. You’re in the clear. You can return to law school with your discretion intact. And while you didn’t get a chance to entertain any of this lady’s ideas, at least take some comfort in the fact that this lady was entertained by them.  I can guarantee I wasn’t the only one.

Good luck!

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Comments

18 Responses to “When Cougars Attack (at the Firm): Help!”

  1. Anonymous on August 26th, 2010 7:03 am

    Doooooche.

  2. Anonymous on August 26th, 2010 8:30 am

    “I am a summer associate at the job of my dreams. ”

    You are an idiot at the job you will (probably) be fired from within a year of your start date.

  3. Guano Dubago on August 26th, 2010 1:06 pm

    You must take care with a older woman like this, as she has power within the firm. If you decide to start up a regular sexual relationship with her, you must remember that her older female parts are not as supple as one of your age, and these parts may bear an odour you may not be able to handle.

    I knew, as a young buck, what you call a Cougar as a student in Ghana, where I received my undergraduate education (U of Accra) and the odour from the professor who loved me was not something which I was that able to bear. I wound up getting a C in the course, but would have failed had I not serviced her as regularly as she wanted.

    You should know that at least you do not have to concern yourself about birth control or condoms with such a woman, as she is no longer fertile, so that is a plus.

    Be careful, though, because cougars like this often mate with others, and you do not want to pick up anything from one of her other lion cubs.

  4. Laura on August 26th, 2010 6:27 pm

    I do not believe a woman partner in a law firm would make any kind of move on some douchey male law student like this one, even if he was well hung.

    However, since no male law student I know is well hung, I can’t imagine a female partner becoming hot over any of the douches coming out of law school these days.

    Personally, I have had to resort to med students, who for the most part are also eunichs. However, they have a better chance of earning high six figures than the douches I have seen in law school.

  5. anony on August 27th, 2010 12:08 pm

    If this was a male partner, I doubt SHC would have the same breezy glib advice, because it would be SEXUAL HARASSMENT, people. And if the summer associate was a girl and “entertained” the male partners ideas, she’d be branded a slut.

    Something to think about.

  6. Anonymous on August 28th, 2010 7:42 am

    anony:

    You need to get a life. Just because you have a va-jay-jay, this doesn’t mean you have to be a prude. Air it out! Give it up.

    A fair amount of conventional sex (1 hour / day) would be very good for your psyche, and will also do wonders for your crotch!

  7. Anonymous on August 30th, 2010 8:10 pm

    This is total bull.

    Even a super horny female partner would not jeopardize her position in the firm for dick with a summer associate.

    Female partners should have no trouble getting dick from other partners or judges without consequence.

    So this guy should just stop dreaming.

  8. Anonymous on September 1st, 2010 7:11 am

    Dude, I would be very careful before diving down there. Cougars are often stanky.

  9. Alan on September 2nd, 2010 1:23 pm

    Anon, I think you need to clarify: Cougars over the age of 40 are ALL stanky downstairs. I know, I’ve been there, and it ain’t pretty. Pee-Yoo!

  10. Anonymous on September 3rd, 2010 1:56 pm

    Alan is right, but age is no barrier. When I first went to DC, I met a girl who was only about 25 or so.

    I went with her to her house (she lived with her parents) and we went to the playroom to be alone.

    When she pulled down her pants, I got totally gassed out, and my head was not even down there.

    Go figure.

  11. Tu madre on September 9th, 2010 12:17 am

    Quit being a little bitch and hit that bizness fool…damn…kids these days

  12. Ancient Anthropologist on September 9th, 2010 9:12 pm

    Cougars hunting Boy Toys is a national sport today as most under thirty males know, the snarky female comments above notwithstanding.

    Of course, don’t provide the servicing this Cougar wants, aside from the fact you would be fired eventually, and the sexual harassment issue.

    Consider the ethics of this firm if the Partner was coming on to you and being clearly overheard by other members of the firm.

  13. Dustin Aaron Sanchez on September 10th, 2010 5:29 pm

    why couldn’t u just let him have his dang fantasy…there’ll be plenty of time for reality after law school

  14. Pfft on September 14th, 2010 3:11 pm

    Jesus… why didn’t you just bang her and be done with it. Pussy

  15. yy on September 27th, 2010 2:23 am

    yyyyyyyyyyyyyy

  16. Caleb on October 14th, 2010 3:44 pm

    “Jesus… why didn’t you just bang her and be done with it. Pussy”

    Second that.

  17. Anonymous on April 8th, 2012 3:49 pm

  18. Anonymous on July 19th, 2013 6:40 am

    Stank or skank?

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