Does a J.D. Turn You Into a Cougar?

October 15, 2010 by  

If you’re the kind of person who has eyes, you’ve probably noticed that you can’t throw a vial full of Botox down an airshaft lately without hitting a cougar licking her wounds in an alley down below.  Whether it’s the latest crop of is-Ashton-cheating-on-Demi rumors, or this week’s bombshell about Courtney “Cougar Town” Cox’s recent humiliation at the hands of her soon-to-be-ex hubby, Hollywood news has no shortage of commentary about famous cougars. But starlets aren’t the only targets when it comes to cougar conjecture. Even here in Big Law, the hunt for so-called cougars has been steadily on the rise.  

In the past six days alone, I’ve heard not one, not two, but three anecdotes from or about lady lawyers and their brushes with cougardom.  The ages of the women in question ranged from 41 to—wait for it—25.  Not one is married.  Not one is dating.  Not one is what you might consider on the prowl or overtly sexy.  All have law degrees.  And they’re certainly not the only single female lawyers on the unwitting receiving end the “cougar” treatment.   Everyone from yours truly to, yes, the newest ladies of the SCOTUS bench, that notorious hotbed of sexy-time shenanigans, have been slapped with the cougar card lately—whether earned or not.

Which raises the question: Does having a law degree automatically make you a cougar—regardless of your age or personality?   Well, if the guys keeping score in and around Big Law are any indication, it looks like the answer, like it or not, is hell yes. 

Let’s take, for example, the conversation I had last Monday night at a downtown dive bar with my writer friend, Linus, a distractingly hot, single, 28-year-old Texas transplant.  Linus was telling me about his recent night out with a mutual acquaintance, a white collar litigation lawyer also in her late twenties.  Apparently, the sparks were flying from both sides all night but when I asked Linus if he wanted to see her again, he demurred.  Why?  And I quote:

“I just don’t think I’m up for the cougar thing.” 

Cougar thing?  Huh?  “But didn’t you guys graduate in the same year?” I asked.

“Yeah, but I mean, she seems older.”  He rolled his eyes. “Like, she has a secretary. And knows all this shit about trials and shit.”

“That’s probably because she’s a trial lawyer.”

Now he pointed his finger at me—he had just remembered the clincher, apparently.  “And she was wearing a really tight suit!  Or, like, the bottom part of a suit.”

“A skirt?”

“Yeah.”  He leaned back and folded his arms.  Case closed.  Cougar.

So, there you have it:  According to this enlightening discourse, if you have a legal secretary and wear skirts, you might as well be 78 years old and are probably going to be played by Kim Cattrall in the movie of your life.  Assuming Courteney Cox has already thrown herself off the side of a mountain.

Now, this conversation with Linus was obviously, completely absurd—mostly because it actually happened.  I would’ve chalked it up to Hot Guy Moron Syndrome if only two iterations of the same conversation hadn’t played themselves out within a week of that one.  In the second one, the cougar in question was a 25-year-old IP associate at my firm whose roommate’s waiter-actor boyfriend had generously offered to set her up the night before with a couple of early-twenties-type actors from his restaurant who were “down with bagging cougars.” And the third involved a confession from a hugely successful 41-year old in-house lawyer friend of mine that her latest eHarmony date—with an unemployed guy in his late 40s—ended with the smiling reassurance from the guy “not to worry” because he’s “actually really into cougars.” 

Shockingly, neither woman found the guys’ professed cougar tolerances particularly galvanizing.  Probably because neither of them considered themselves to be cougars.  Perhaps it’s because they, like me, always assumed that “cougar” was nothing but a relative age categorization.  A woman was in cougar territory if she was dating, or looking to date, a guy at least, say, 7 or so years younger than she was. And she probably had to be at least 35 to even be considered for cougardom in the first place. It didn’t matter if she was a lawyer, or an actress or a homeless person.  “Cougar” just meant “older”—or, more to the point, “old.”

But now, all bets seem to be off when it comes to categorizing cougars.  If Linus and his ilk are any indication, the cougar brand isn’t just about age anymore.  It comes with a little more baggage this time.  Could it be that “cougar” is the new code for “successful woman”?  Or is “cougar” really just a euphemism for “sugar mama”?  Or maybe it just means “a sexy woman who knows what she wants”—which is to say, a sexy woman?  At the very least, if being a cougar is more about being assertive or “together” than being merely “older,” well, then, sorry lady JDs out there, but you’ve already got one foot in the cougar pit, even if you’re only in your early twenties. 

After all, would my hot friend Linus have dismissed the lit associate who is the exact same age as he is as a cougar if she, say, worked at the Gap and didn’t have a secretary?  Or, if the 25-year-old IP associate was a waitress instead of a lawyer, would her fellow twenty-something waiters still consider her a cougar—a bagging-worthy one, much less?  The law degree has to be the tipping point here.  How else, for the love of God, could a woman go from “single twenty-something” to “cougar” in the eyes of someone who’s basically the same age as she is?   So there you go, ladies: It looks like your law degrees weren’t worn out enough from making your asses look fat; now they’re working overtime to make you honorary old, desperate predators to boot.

If you’re harboring any doubts about the JD-cougar connection, consider my own horrifying indoctrination into the world of accused cougardom—which, like most things that end badly, starts with some ill-advised naked time on the floor of my office with a certifiable lunatic.  And only goes downhill from there.

If you’ve spent any time on this blog, you’ve run across my dear old Big Law buddy Ben, who made his indelible mark on my life by co-starring in the liquor-soaked debauchery that played out on the floor of my office a while back, followed by his dispatch of a prize-worthy bouquet of whore flowers to my office, a profession of (semi-) love, and…an offer to be his mistress that ended, as one might expect, with a series of drunken, hysterical voicemails left from his now-wife’s coat closet during a pumpkin-carving party she was throwing with her girlfriends.  You know, the usual.

One wrinkle of this charming story that you haven’t heard yet is that during Ben’s final mistress proposal/ breakdown, when I asked him why he thought it better to try to engage me as a mistress rather than, say, end the relationship with the girlfriend whom he clearly couldn’t stand to pursue one with me, this happened:

“It’s just that, it’s just that…I can’t.  You…you…you have a different background,” he slurred, closet-bound.

“Yeah, how’s that, Ben?”

“It’s just that I’ve only been with [the girlfriend] and, like, one other person.  And and and I mean that’s okay, right??”  Borderline sobbing now.

“Sure Ben.  It’s great.”

“But you come along and you’re like this big cougar from I don’t know where and you have this amazing apartment and it’s— it’s— it’s not REAL, you know?  I can’t.  I don’t know.”  By now he was fully sobbing.  Or maybe his phone just got tangled in a parka in the closet.  I couldn’t tell.   

I would relay the rest of the conversation, but it just gets stupider from there—if that’s even possible.  I only bring it up now because, of the (many) (disturbing) things that stuck with me from that whole Capra-esque slice of my romantic history, Ben’s calling me a cougar stung the most at the time—especially since he wasn’t saying it to be mean; he was just stating a (perceived) fact.  But still—a cougar—no, wait, a “big” cougar??  WTF?? I was 27.  Ben was 25.  How could I be a cougar with those specs?  Because I’d “been with” more people than Ben in my lifetime?  Because I had a “nice apartment”?   It was a slap in the face. I’d dated guys who were a year or two younger than me before; no one had ever accused me of being a “big cougar” then.  But then again, I didn’t have a law degree back then.

Of course now, long after the days of the Ben drama, I’ve been called a lot of things that you wouldn’t want to send home in a card to mom—and cougar doesn’t even scratch the top 10.  At least I can say that I’m in good company, though.  Because if you’re a lady with a law degree, you’re going to be slapped with a lot of labels over the course of your career.  Nerd. Bitch. Workaholic. Snob. Prude. Bore. Whore. Downer. Classist.  Purist.  Narcissist.  Some will be mostly false; most will be partly true.  And yes, it looks like you can now also add “cougar” to that list, even if you’re barely old enough to drink.  Sure, you can try to ignore it, you can try to embrace it, but there’s no use fighting it. At the very least, given the latest crop of connotations attached to it, you might as well consider it a compliment.

An excerpt of this essay is also being published on everyone’s favorite legal tabloid, Above the Law.  Make sure to check it out here!

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Comments

14 Responses to “Does a J.D. Turn You Into a Cougar?”

  1. Guano Dubango on October 15th, 2010 6:26 am

    I personally do not call women like these “cougars”. In my country, any woman who is over the age of 19 and who is not married or committed to be married is generally viewed as undesirable, and this applies especially if the woman has any education at all, because this would aid the woman’s family in helping to marry her off.

    Here in your country we have many of these women, with advanced educations, who have no men to be their husbands. They run around in packs of 3 or 4, looking very hungry for male attention. But they are very pushy, often demanding many different things of men and often well before the man has any chance of determining whether he would be interested in the woman for more than a night of sex.

    So men tend to want to stay away from these demanding women, labeling them as you state, whether cougar, or pushy, or generally undesirable creatures.

    Just last week, I went to a upscale restaurant for lunch with my cousin, and while waiting at the bar, I was approached by what you describe as a cougar–a lawyer who was a 4th year associate at a larger firm I had heard of. She sidled up to me very closely, told me all about her, and rubbed up against me in a way that showed she wanted some special attention.

    So I told my cousin to meet me at home later and went with this woman to a booth where she rubbed me under the table, but when I asked her to go back to her place for sex, she said she would only do this if we were engaged. This was not right, as she had spent a lot of time leading me on and then giving nothing to me.

    I would have no intention of becoming engaged to a woman until I was sure that we could be sexually compatible. But this woman would not do anything other than have me buy her drinks and rub me under the table. That is not right.

  2. Anonymous on October 15th, 2010 9:12 am

    When was the last time a “cougar” kept herself clean downstairs?

    Exactly.

    If women lawyers kept clean, men would not hesitate to go down on them.

    And once the women got enough, they would not be whining, and on the prowl.

    Mystery solved.

  3. Anonymous on October 15th, 2010 10:00 am

    I think you nailed it when you said “Cougar” is another word for more successful than the man in question.

    This just in: Guys don’t like to feel “less” successful than the women they are dating (probably due to insecurity and social sterotypes…But it is what it is); Guys like women who are younger because…well…they are younger.

    And in other news, water is wet.

  4. Greg on October 15th, 2010 10:53 am

    Most of the men you are describing sound terribly insecure and immature. A secure man should enjoy being with a bright, successful, accomplished woman. Boys exist in any age and station. Stay away from trying to date boys of any age and look for men.

  5. Elle on October 15th, 2010 3:16 pm

    If being 27 makes you a cougar, you’re either insane, or I’m going to have to go hide in a hole for the rest of my life.

    This one’s more depressing than usual. Gawd.

  6. Anonymous on October 15th, 2010 3:31 pm

    And it’s still just 2, thank you very much.

    –Ben’s wife

  7. Stop on October 15th, 2010 3:46 pm

    Women reclaiming the insult (and yes it is an insult) “cougar” is tantamount to women “proudly” calling themselves “bitches” in an effort to take some sort of power back. It doesn’t change the fact that the phrase still highlights the fact that women are valued for how young they look and seem and anyone who breaks that mold should be a target of derision or, worse, false admiration.

    The best way to take that power back is to kill the phrase, not embrace it or pretend it means something other than what it does.

  8. t_lhrh on October 15th, 2010 3:59 pm

    I have to say that after reading this I am so glad that I’m a man. Such pervasive prejudice demeaning and belittling my life accomplishments–because that is precisely what it is, misogynistic prejudice–has simply never popped up in my life. I’m a 1L pursuing a law degree, and have just finished my master’s. I’m gay, so the whole gotta-get-a-woman-and-procreate pressure that some straight men feel is not my reality either. But if you’re a gay male, and you’re subtle about your ‘gayness’ in a corporate environment and act the part of a ‘straight’ man, all the privileges and perks of being a male accrue to you. And in the gay dating world it is a plus to be put-together and successful. Granted you can’t be fat and you gotta look a certain way, but at least this pressure to look good is not compounded with this pervasive prejudice successful women also deal with from a lot of their fellow hetero men. I feel for you. But I also have to heave a huge sigh of relief…

  9. Elle on October 15th, 2010 4:40 pm

    t_lhrh –

    Right on. I was waiting for your comment to turn into “I’m so glad that I’m a man….because you women are horrible, vapid sluts if you really think like this blah blah blah”. Its hard to sound off about how tough being a woman in the corporate or legal world can be without being accused of being a whiner or as the commentary here routinely shows, a vapid ugly slut. Yes, women lawyer may bring much of this criticism upon themselves but at its core, and without being a whiner, it ain’t easy being a woman in law, or a woman, period.

  10. JohnC on October 16th, 2010 10:33 am

    I have read the legal tease articles from time to time.

    So this Cougar article got me wondering.

    I am not a lawyer, a partially nerdy engineer. I was googling “do these pants make by butt look big” jokes and fount this blog, and it got me thinking.
    Now I am 20 years older than the age group you are talking about.

    After my divorce, when I entered the dating thing again, I was hoping to meet a fellow professional, with a bit of a sense of humor, who actually liked their work, and thought is was important. Someone who would still to to a club to listen to some music, maybe the Felice Brothers, or Neko Case, or Cage the Elephant. (OK I was even too old for that one)

    But I did not find lawyers, doctors or even Indian chiefs. I would have loved to find that lawyer, but could not find that on match.com – Now i know I should have been on eHarmony.

  11. Anonymous on October 16th, 2010 1:29 pm

    John C,

    why don’t you hook up with Elle. Her eggs aren’t getting any fresher, and it’s clear she really needs a man. Assuming you can put up with her bitchin’ (about being a lawyer and a female), she may otherwise be tolerable, and she’s got a job, so she will at least have disposable income.

  12. Anonymous on October 17th, 2010 6:48 am

    John already got divorced once. Why would you pair him with a cougar who already has a bone up her arse?

  13. Anonymous on October 20th, 2010 2:24 pm

    Well, Mr. Guano Dubango, maybe you should move back to your country, because here we had something called a Feminist Movement…

  14. Anonymous on December 16th, 2014 5:46 pm

    It’s been more than 4 years since this thread has been updated. I wonder if Guano is still in this country, and whether he ever found a woman to provide him with sex?

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