BigLaw Bros: Why Slam Pieces Don’t Want You
March 1, 2011 by Legal Tease
Bros of BigLaw, I love you, but I’m worried about you. You’re confused. You’re angry. And you should be. You’ve been told, by each other, that cementing your place as a certified cog in the BigLaw cash wheel would lead to a life slick with sick paychecks, sicker bonuses and a bevy of models and bottles waiting to revel in the sickness with you.
But…it’s not working out so well for most of you so far. The disposable ladies aren’t lining up on their knees like you thought they might. One of you even reached out recently to Above the Law to ask—nay demand—some guidance as to how a BigLaw dudebro could cut through all the nonsense and just “find pretty, young, not-too-intelligent slam pieces on the reg.” Elie, bless his heart, advised that all you need to do is to basically target cutters with daddy issues. Decent advice, especially if you happen to live near your local mental ward—but I think Elie missed the mark. He neglected to mention the crucial, the obvious, the only way the average BigLaw Bro will ever have a real shot at slamming his way through the prettiest, not-too-intelligent-est “slam pieces” on the market:
Be an investment banker.
Or a hedge-fund guy. Or a TV producer. Or a cowboy. Pretty much anything besides a lawyer. Because, I hate to break it to you boys, but a young, hot, genuine grade-A “slam piece” (i.e. one trained in NY or LA) views a male lawyer with about as much interest as she views the Barneys Warehouse Sale: It beats shopping at Target, but it’s still mostly hideous, mildly shameful and a far cry from the real thing.
And this, guys, is why you have more in common with lady lawyers than you thought. For years, women lawyers have been presumptively dismissed—mostly by you—as hideous beast-looking mole people, unloveably argumentative shrews, or emasculating wage-toppers. But that sword that you’re so quick to whip out to shred us to pieces cuts both ways, boys. The existence of a penis doesn’t change the fact that you’re still a lawyer. You still work until midnight every night. You still live your life in billable six-minute increments. You still spend your days doing the work no one else wants to do. Yes, you may occasionally be invited to sit at the big table, but it’s only to make sure that the guy who owns the big table doesn’t accidentally set it on fire. You’re not the Masters of the Universe; you just work for them.
And this, of course, is the real reason why premium slam pieces don’t want BigLaw Bros: Slam pieces don’t date the staff. They date the boss. And even if you’re a partner at Cravath, you’re still just a glorified butt boy for some 31-year-old managing director or CEO. Sure, you might be making a million bucks a year (maybe two!), but when it comes to the top slam pieces, that’s the floor, not the ceiling. As a very wise man once never said: “A million dollars isn’t cool. You know what’s cool? A billion dollars.” And why would you expect a top slam piece to settle for anything less?
Think about it: You’re a 22-year-old girl. You’re stunning. You have a body like a photoshopped Greek statue and a brain to match. You’ve decided, because you have either so little or so much self-worth, that your best shot at “success” is to dig some gold and become an occasional accessory-cum-trampoline for the highest roller you can find. You know that the clock’s working against you on this one. So, why would you give up your most valuable, most precious, pre-Botox years for some bloated billable hour jockey who barely pulls in six figures working 20 hours a day looking for typos in some boring contract that’s going to make his i-banker clients more money in 30 seconds than he’ll ever see in his lifetime? I mean, sweet Christ, my last whirlwind romance involved a guy who drank wine out of a box and even I don’t want to hit that.
So, what’s a BigLaw Bro who still wants a decent slam piece to do? Is all hope really lost?
Well, that depends. What do you actually want here, guys? Are you looking for regular but emotionally noncommittal sex with a pretty woman who will act like she adores you? Try an escort service. You can afford it and you don’t even have to pay for bottle service.
Or are you looking for a woman who will throw herself at you and might actually adore you just because you’re a lawyer—a so-called lawyer groupie? Well, let me know when you find one. Because “lawyer groupie” is nothing more than a myth made up by male lawyers to give them hope that any collection of civilian “groupies” would find them sexually appealing. Famous lawyers may indeed have groupies but that’s because…they’re famous, not because they have that super-sexy J.D. tucked into their pocket. Now, there is a legitimate group of people who tend to find lawyers (and yes, sometimes, their salaries) fascinating: law students. So, sure, go troll the law schools for action if you must, but just don’t fool yourself into thinking that you’re some sort of ersatz rockstar.
Or are you, as I suspect most of us are, just a little tired, a little lonely and looking for someone cute and cool to have a little fun with at the end of the day—and maybe more? Well, keep on looking, honey—she’s out there for you. Really. She might not look like a model, she may be—gasp!—as smart as or—gasp! again!—smarter than you, but I’m sure you’ll be able to tolerate these flaws. And more importantly, she’ll tolerate yours. She may even love you for them.
But if you’re still holding out for the BigLaw dudebros’ self-proclaimed Holy Grail of female companionship—the grade-A slam piece—well, all I can say is good luck and godspeed, kiddo. Because remember, if you’re going to unapologetically catalogue certain women as nothing more than “pieces” for you to “slam,” don’t be surprised when they whip out a catalogue of their own—and you’re not in it.
Happy hunting, boys.
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