The Truth Is Out, Ladies: Your Long Hair Is Killing Your Career

July 27, 2012 by  

Women: Pay attention, this is important.  Especially for you old ones (and by “old” I mean over 30 but not yet 40.  Women 40 and over: Can you even read anymore at your age?  I’ll just refer to you as “pre-dead lady husks”).  In a spate of breaking, hard-hitting news, an actual legal newspaper has finally exposed the bitter nugget of truth as to why you women—you “older women” in particular—may be sabotaging your careers.  No it’s not your pursuit of work-life balance, it’s not your historic battle against decades of workplace gender inequity; it’s something far more insidious.  It’s your stupid, long hair.

This is an actual news story that appeared in an actual legal news publication.  Because, obviously.

The article posed the question of whether “long hair is a bad career choice for older women.”  It cited a recent post on the legal blog The Careerist, which posited that women over 40 with long hair are “unsettling–—particularly if it is straight and hangs more than a few inches below the shoulder…They look rather sad and dated to me—as if they’re desperately trying to rechannel Joni Mitchell in her heyday.”

In support of this argument, the blogger cites the tragic example of Hillary Clinton, who, she notes, since “letting her hair grow…often looks haggard and rumpled,” and who, as the Secretary of State of the United States of America, is clearly trying to rechannel Joni Mitchell in her heyday.  The article concludes that, if you don’t want to jeopardize your career, “the safer course is for women to keep their hair simple and short.”

I know.  I know what you’re thinking—the only natural response to this debate:  But how will this affect my chances of getting a man? Because science has proven that men prefer women with long hair.  They just do.  It’s science.  (What’s that?  You’re a man reading this and you actually prefer ladies with shorter hair?  Well, nice to meet you, liar. Why do you hate science?  And yourself?) If  we start lopping off our locks to protect our careers, then, by all accounts, guys won’t love us anymore.  And then what are we supposed to do?  Pay for our own clothes?  Buy our own houses?  What’s next, start opening business by ourselves??  This is so confusing!  Math IS hard!  WHO LET JONI MITCHELL IN HERE?

And then— I’m sorry, what’s that?  What’s that you say?  Oh, you’ve just scraped your face off in an attempt to void everything about this from your memory, too?  Good, we’re on the same page, then.

Putting aside the obvious question of in what wretched k-hole of a universe should this story be considered suitable legal “news,” the larger issue is that there are women out there–especially ones with long hair–who may actually read something like this and…seriously consider whether they should cut their hair.  As a professional woman (as opposed to an amateur woman, apparently), I can assure you, from the bottom of my follicles: Your career success will have absolutely zero to do with how long or short your hair is (now, success issues based on how good it looks is another discussion, but ones based on length alone: no).

If your hair is long and well-kempt, great.  If it’s short and well-kempt, great.  If you’re bald and well-kempt, great. If you’re an idiot who’s terrible at her job: RED ALERT, not great.  If your hair, of any length, is a vile, slovenly mess to boot, even more not great – but mostly because people like to work with other people who have basic hygiene skills and won’t give them lice, not because they’re terrified of what might happen if your sassy locks are juxtaposed with the horror of a face that has the nerve to be over 40 years old.  Any other “debate” about anything to do with the length of your hair in the context of your career is as useless as it is embarrassing.  And please note, if you get the sense that your employer is concerned about the length of your hair –and you have a job as anything other than a hair model– time to get the hell out of that job, sweetness.

Off to go weep silently under my desk.  With all 18 inches of my wavy, natural, murderously long brown hair.

This post was also featured today on the Huffington Post.  Check it out here!

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[Photo credit: Justyna Furmanczyk]


49 Responses to “The Truth Is Out, Ladies: Your Long Hair Is Killing Your Career”

  1. Phaser21 on July 27th, 2012 10:10 am

    Legal Tease is back!

  2. Harry on July 27th, 2012 1:13 pm

    Women over 40 with long hair can be incredibly sexy because they know they can’t pull the same @#$@#$ with guys that they could when they were between 20 and 35, so they will get right down to business when you want them to.

  3. Elle on July 27th, 2012 10:14 pm

    She’s back! Why the absence?

  4. Anonymous on July 28th, 2012 4:33 am

    Cute large firm babes sometimes get porked by partners for a few years, but the partners wont marry them, but replace them with young fresh associates willing to get piped repeadly in the hope of the good life. This cycle continues as long as the partner wants a babe to screw, and even later for BJs. Let’s see if our babe was one who was the humpee, and will will tell us what went down!

  5. Anonymous on July 28th, 2012 7:28 pm

    If you are an older woman (40+) and want to have good sex with older men, keep your hair clean, straight and long. Older Guys prefer seeing just the long hair, especially when getting a BJ or when the woman is getting it on top, where the alternative is our having to watch the writhing face of a yellow toothed latte drinking woman, moaning and groaning and bouncing up and down on our peckers, which have to be scrubbed down carefully once you are done having your fun with us.

  6. Elle on July 29th, 2012 1:30 pm

    @anonymous — You are high-lari-ious!! Really just so witty and incisive. How’s life in 1987?

  7. Larry on July 29th, 2012 4:42 pm

    Elle, I think you may be getting long in the tooth. Not sure which anon you are referring to but the advice is sound. If you are a female you should heed the advice, or specify what is wrong with it.

  8. Jessica Gottlieb on July 30th, 2012 8:45 pm

    Thank goodness I’m just a blogger. I can sit here and twirl my hair next to my haggard and falling face and no one will know they should fire me for being too old to work.

  9. Anoymous on July 30th, 2012 8:50 pm

    Hysterical! I loved this. And, yup, women over 40 can still read. In fact, with my bifocals, I can still read at 53. When my long hair is not in my eyes, that is.

  10. Linda on July 30th, 2012 10:21 pm

    OK..I agree with your article…however as an active woman over 50+ I resent your “pre dead lady husks” comment. It’s us”pre-dead” women, with or without long hair, that fought for your opporunity to even have a job. We walked through doorst hat younger women today don’t have to think twice about. So before you get so negative on us “pre-dead” ladied, remember it’s great here at the top!!!
    So enjoy your freedome of choice….it was we, the bra-burners and protestors for women’s rights…that made it possible. BY the way I like Joni Mitchell with or without long hair.

  11. Paula on July 31st, 2012 3:49 am

    We are best in the bedroom because:

    We have experience

    We can be very spontaneous ( including in elevators)

    We don’t have to worry about contraception

    We have financial independence so don’t have to cow-tow to men

    Hurray for us over the hill girls.

    There are millions of guys buying Viagra and Levitra just so they can get hard enough to make love to us!


  12. Mike in NJ on July 31st, 2012 9:14 am

    Linda – you sound like a very accomplished woman. However, I think you missed the point that the author of the article was being sarcastic. But if I am mistaken, my apologies, and keep on keepin’ on!

  13. Louis on August 1st, 2012 5:58 am

    Mike, a few old dames are hot to trot so go for it!

  14. Sima Dahl on August 1st, 2012 11:35 am

    And in breaking news, women who wear pant suits earn less than those who wear skirts. Can’t wait to read the rundown on how Romney’s and Obama’s lids affect their chances to win the big race this November. #snark

  15. Lx on August 1st, 2012 9:15 pm

    I would pick an older woman who wanted sex 2x / day over a young womAn who wanted it 2x / week.

  16. Sue-Ellen Litlhakanyane on August 1st, 2012 11:25 pm

    I just love you so much Maria. Such a brilliantly written piece!

  17. Vince on August 3rd, 2012 5:42 am

    3 cheers for the older broads!

  18. Henry on August 4th, 2012 12:30 pm

    Vince, I’d qualify that by adding “that will f*** like bunnies after 2 beers!”

  19. Henry on August 4th, 2012 1:35 pm

    But u can keep the ones that are Stanky downstairs no matter what their age. Women have to learn that we won’t go somewhere that is not fresh and clean no matter how horny we are.

  20. Linda on August 8th, 2012 6:00 pm

    Henry, I agree but it should go both ways. Men should not come home and expect a BJ when they walk in the door. I’ve trained my BF to head right for the shower if he expects any sort of fun below the belt.

  21. Jill on August 11th, 2012 5:15 am

    Women should not give themselves to men who don’t go down. PERIOD! If men want to stick their weenies in us, they should be prepared to pleasure us there without our having to even ask for it let alone demand it.

  22. VH on August 11th, 2012 9:56 am

    I agree with Paula. Older women can still deliver in the sack and you don’t have to worry about birth control.

  23. Anonymous on August 15th, 2012 7:59 pm

    Let’s get some new material! I’m tired reading about the pluses and minuses of petrified pussies.

  24. Anonymous on August 23rd, 2012 5:25 pm

    Yes. Time for something fresh!

  25. Anonymous on November 1st, 2012 6:19 pm

    Let’s get some fresh snatch! No Stanky pussies please!

  26. Will on November 10th, 2012 6:54 pm

    No new crotches?

  27. Anonymous on November 24th, 2012 8:02 pm

    Let’s get some new pussy riot stories!

  28. Lou on December 28th, 2012 8:54 pm

    Is this site dead?

  29. Alison on January 6th, 2013 5:01 pm

    So, do you plan on doing yourself in when you hit 50? Idiot!

  30. Frank on January 9th, 2013 9:37 pm

    Alison will you give free BJs to any guy with a law degree, or do they have to be admitted?

  31. Anonymous on January 21st, 2013 7:41 am

    Let’s get some new posts please!

  32. Anonymous on February 9th, 2013 3:25 pm

    Nothing worse than an old semen repository who doesnt keep fresh below the belt who asks a schmoe looking to f**k to first go down on her. GROSS!

  33. David on February 24th, 2013 11:18 am

    Lets restock the fishery with some new posts. I’m tired about reading about old cougars who want to get f$$$$ucked by young guys without cleaning their pussies out first.

  34. Anonymous on March 3rd, 2013 9:54 am

    Older women are good for condom-free sex. They will hump you repeatedly and you never have to worry about paying for a little piccaninny.

  35. Linda on March 6th, 2013 10:32 am

    A woman’s lady garden, properly tended, should not smell bad. I have been with at least a dozen men who enjoy me and have gone back down for seconds.

  36. Anonymous on April 3rd, 2013 4:36 pm

    Right Linda. My guess is that something is torrent in the state of POO-say!

  37. Anonymous on May 5th, 2013 2:54 pm

    Let’s get some fresh posts. Enough with the sweaty vulva discussion!

  38. Anonymous on May 11th, 2013 11:12 am

    This site is dormant. It should be re-dubbed Stanky Cold over utilized Rancid lady parts!

  39. Ole twat on July 5th, 2013 12:13 pm

    Chicks have to get a dude to bone them,otherwise their twats shrink. Guys will bone you even if you are no longer fertile, so don’t worry.

  40. Mass Torte on July 11th, 2013 2:26 pm

    It really looks like the same action-starved perv posts most of the anonymous comments on here.

    I thought I was hot stuff for making it into a top 5 school . . . when I was 18 and had done nothing with my life of any lasting consequence or had my character tested in any meaningful way. Back then I knew everything. 15 years later I don’t know $#!T. But what I am fairly confident of is that I would not say that I had ‘a more luxurious degree’ than someone else especially in a context where I was summing up a more than half-lived life. How pitiful is it to be in your 50s and basically saying “I did well in highschool.”

  41. Lydia on July 25th, 2013 8:53 pm

    Hear hear! Mass torte! We don’t want old shrivveled penii in us either! Yes we’re over 40, but we still crave good sex, but not with limp dicks that need viagra in order to stay hard.

  42. Anonymous on August 6th, 2013 11:43 am

    Lydia, I will bet you would take any dick, limp or not.

  43. Anonymous on September 12th, 2013 6:53 am

    The guys here are like Austin powers–shagedelic !

  44. Anonymous on October 7th, 2013 6:34 pm

    Where are the pussies? Too busy Getting hosed by the fellas?

  45. Anonymous on October 16th, 2013 6:31 pm

    No doubt. When women are getting it, there’s no need to post here!

  46. Anonymous on November 2nd, 2013 9:49 am

    I wonder whether “sweet hot” justice would entail a litigator enjoying getting pumped in the poop chute by a judge who she is appearing before nude?

  47. Violet on December 3rd, 2013 12:14 am


  48. Anonymous on January 15th, 2014 4:12 am

    Violet are you one of the long haired latte drinkers that will ride our penii?

  49. Nora on February 9th, 2014 3:52 pm

    Where is Legal Tease? Has she retired to a life of leisure as the spouse of a 65 year old partner at a law firm?

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