News Roundup

Once-popular actron and female impersonator Nicollette Sheridan is suing Desperate Housewives creator, Marc Cherry, for allegedly smacking her in the face and then killing off her character after she confronted him about the assault.  Cherry’s explanation for why Sheridan’s character, “Edie,” took a hit?  “Edie’s already slept with most of the guys on the street and has caused about as many problems as she could.”   No double-meaning to see here, folks, none at all.  [Defamer]

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A lady who is NOT a hooker talks about what it’s like to do things with rich men for money that do NOT in any way make her a hooker.  Ever.  No hookers here.  Zero.  If you want to see a hooker, do NOT click on this link.   [NY Magazine]

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Harvard Law School admits to its job-challenged Class of 2010 that the “HLS experience” hasn’t quite been the pot of gold at the end of the Crimson rainbow that its students thought it might be—and then hits them up for twenty bucks.  [Above the Law]

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Poor Jesse James.  He’s off trying to lead a virtuous, quiet life in “sex rehab” and the press just won’t leave him alone.  His lawyer, Joe Yanny, outraged with the media for their constant coverage of the scandal and James’s treatment, explained, “The First Amendment was not meant to cover the sexual lives of people who are not in office,” says Yanny. “It’s disgusting.”   Such an apt description.  For so many things.  [People]

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For all you aspiring Yale profs: The university has officially banned faculty members from having sexual relationships with not only their own students, but any Yale undergrad, period.  Sorry.   [NBC Connecticut]

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Put away your wands, friends.  A New York City “preacher,” the Reverend Billy Talen has been arrested for placing a “holy hex” on JPMorgan Chase.  Protesting what he believes is JP Morgan’s financing for mountaintop removal in Appalachia, Talen led his Life After Shopping Gospel Choir to two Chase bank branches, where his singers “deposited” mounds of “sacred dirt” from the mountains of West Virginia all over the banks’ lobbies.  [Courthouse News]

News Roundup 2.12.10

Just in time for Valentine’s Day: An ambassador to Dubai has annulled his marriage after discovering that his bride—who had never revealed herself, wearing the full Islamic face-covering Niqab on the occasions the couple had met—was “cross-eyed and had facial hair” when he lifted her veil to kiss her.  The  told a Sharia court that his bride’s mother had tricked him by showing him pictures of her sister.  [BBC]

Speaking of romance: According to court records filed yesterday, 73-year-old Dennis Hopper’s 42-year-old wife has agreed to stay 10 feet away from the ailing actor and not contact him directly as they sort through their impending divorce.  [HuffPost]

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Think that John Edwards and Beyonce’s dad have nothing in common?  Think again.  Or just ask their mistresses.  Or better yet, their lawyers.  [E! Online]

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Are you noticing a Parents-of-the-Century theme to today’s news roundup?  If not, this choice item should seal the deal.  [Popsquire]

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An ex-Sullivan and Cromwell corporate lawyer-turned psychotherapist who blogs as The People’s Therapist lends some insight into why lawyers are angry, bitter, miserable wretches—and compares working in a law firm to Auschwitz.  [Above the Law]

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A Florida jury spreads the pain of a Brazilian bikini wax gone bad.  [Click Orlando]

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In the spirit of Valentine’s Day a lawyer-search service is offering “advice” about the do’s and don’ts of dating attorneys, with hilarious items like “Always cite sources” and “Speak Latin.”  We told you it was hilarious. [Avvo]

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Super hard-core, edgy edgy musiciatron apologizes for being incredible douchebag.  America yawns.  [US Weekly]

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News Roundup 11.11.09

So, we drop off the radar here at the SHJ Hot News desk for a few short days (OK, fine, a few more than a few), and we’re welcomed back with stories of an S&M-loving lady lawyer living in Russia, a sex-tape-loving lady monster living in California, a legal bitchslap for Glenn Beck, a legal lovetap for Obama’s healthcare bill, a historically humiliating day for the Justice Department and a low point for Big Law associates everywhere, courtesy of Cravath.  Clearly, we need to drop off the radar more often.

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And you thought beauty queens couldn’t get any classier than Carrie the Good Masturbating Christian Prejean. Obviously, you haven’t met England’s own Rachel Christie, the reigning Miss England who was forced to give up her crown after being arrested for starting a brawl in a nightclub with another beauty queen.  [Brisbane Times]

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Eight words you probably never thought you’d hear: “Bernie Madoff’s wooden duck decoy can be yours.” We’re not kidding—on either front.  [Gawker]

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Just when the public had run out of things to mock about Joe Halderman, David Letterman’s failed exortionist, his lawyer goes and files a motion to dismiss the case against him on the theory that Halderman was just trying to pitch Dave a screenplay, arguing that Halderman’s conduct was nothing but “a pure commercial transaction.”  Let the mocking resume.  [Popsquire]

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No, there’s no such thing as too many sex tapes in one week.  Although J.Lo would likely disagree.  A California judge shut down the singer’s ex-husband, Ojani Noa, from distributing a soft-core “movie” about his famous ex called ”How I Married Jennifer Lopez: The J.Lo and Ojani Noa Story,” which features racy footage from the pair’s 1997 honeymoon.  ”She is not being fair,” Noa griped after hearing the judge’s ruling, “She’s trying to stop me from moving on with my life.”  Which seems to be working out well for Noa so far.  [NY Post]

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One of the pros of having Justice Kennedy speak at your high-school assembly: You get to have…Justice  Kennedy speaking at your high-school assembly.  One of the cons: Good luck trying to write about it in your high-school newspaper without getting the good Justice’s publication approval first.  The kiddies over at Manhattan’s Dalton School learned the hard way.  [NY Times]

News Roundup 10.6.09

It’s not every day that a United States Supreme Court Justice pitches the idea of a “Human Sacrifice Channel.”  Today was that day.  [CNN]

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Are you an associate at one of the country’s bigger lawyer factories?  Are you looking for something new and exciting to be pissed off about when it comes to your salary?  Well, here you go.  [WSJ Law Blog]

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Note to the geniuses over at Ralph Lauren:  If you’re going to create a print ad featuring a model so over-Photoshopped that her head is actually bigger than her pelvis, some blogger, somewhere, is probably gonna notice it.  And blog about it.  And reprint that image…which no one will notice and/or care about until you sue that blogger for copyright infringement. Nice work.  [Boing Boing]

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Meet Orly Taitz, DDS, Esq.  Yes, DDS, Esq.—she’s a practicing dentist and an attorney.  Oh, and a foaming-at-the-mouth lunatic.  Hm, didn’t see that one coming.  [Washington Post]

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Tom Cruise goes to law school.   [Above the Law]

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Wondering how to have that pesky DUI expunged from your record forever?  Just make sure to rant like a maniac during the arrest and make as many sexist and anti-semitic comments as possible.  We can’t make you any promises, but hey, it worked for Mel Gibson earlier today.  [Radar Online]

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Joyce Poster-Lederman, the NY couples therapist who allegedly attacked her husband—also a shrink—with knives and was subsequently banned from the couple’s Upper West Side home, has been allowed to return home to her husband, the Manhattan DA’s office reported today.  The reason for the prosecutor’s sudden change of heart?  Poster-Lederman has apparently been undergoing therapy.  Ah.  [NY Post]

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Freebiegate, Part I: In a new ruling handed down yesterday, the FTC is now requiring bloggers who review products to disclose their connections with advertisers, including any free swag and payment received.   [New York Times]

News Roundup 10.1.09

No.  We’re sorry, but we can’t agree with you.  In the wake of his latest legal efforts, we refuse to say that Jon Gosselin of Jon & Kate Plus Hate fame is an incredible douchebag.  Because that would be an insult to incredible douchebags the world over.  [Popsquire]

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And you thought convicted Ponzi schemer and ex-lawyer Marc Dreier was to blame for defrauding investors out of $380 million.  Oh, naive soul.  Turns out, the Hamptons were to blame all along.  [NY Post]

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Cristina Warthen, the former high-end hooker who worked her way through Stanford Law on her back and later pled guilty to tax evasion, has been sentenced to one year home detention and ordered to pay $243,000 in back taxes and fines.  In other words, she got laid in law school about seven thousand more times than you did, got paid for it, and has just been ordered to hang around her house for a while.  On an unrelated note, how’s that sweet big-firm associate gig working out for you so far?  [Valleywag]

News Roundup 9.14.09

When the judge hearing your case starts quoting Oscar Wilde, you can be pretty damn sure you’re screwed from that point forward.  Just ask Bank of America. [Dealbreaker]

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Might as well go out with a bang—and a yacht: Wells Fargo has fired an SVP in charge of foreclosed commercial properties for throwing a few bashes at a vacant $12 million Malibu beach home—including one rager in which guests were escorted to the house by private yacht.  Sort of makes that bag full of extra highlighters you stole from your firm when you found out you were getting laid off seem less exciting, no? [Los Angeles Times]

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Oh, we do hope you’re sitting down:  A groundbreaking recent study by a “director of a project at UCLA law school” finds that law students who fail the bar exam have a difficult time making ends meet initially after law school, “never catch[ing] up to their lawyer peers.”  The director cautions that the results of the study should serve as a cautionary tale to law schools, suggesting that, “[a]t the very least, law schools owe it to their prospective students to provide candid information about the risks of attending law school.”  May we suggest they start here. [ABA Journal]

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Rod Blagojevitch more terrifyingly stupid than originally thought… [Gawker]

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…but at least he’s not the most hated man in the music industry.  After last night, anyway. [Defamer]

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Let’s see: You’re a lawyer.  You’re appearing in front of a judge who you think is a useless idiot.  You have a blog. With your name plastered all over it.  You write on your  blog that this judge is an “evil, unfair witch.” Now….guess what happens?  No, really, guess.  Come on, take a guess.  [New York Times]

News Roundup 9.09.09

Ladies, keep hope alive: After more than a decade of legal separation, Hugh Hefner is seeking an official return to full-fledged bachelor status. The 83-year-old Playboy founder filed for divorce on Friday from his wife and former Playmate, Kimberly.  [HuffPost]

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The people have spoken.  The Douchiest Law School has officially been crowned.  Tucker Max fans, rejoice.  [Above the Law]

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Kissing is now banned in some parts of France.  Blame the swine. [BBC]

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Think that Nino Scalia and Ricky Martin have nothing in common?  Think again. [NYT]

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Speaking of the Supremes, a new Gallup poll has found that half of Americans believe the court is “about right” ideologically, representing an all-time high and an increase of 7% over last year.  It remains unclear to what extent Ricky Martin influenced the results.  [ABA Journal]

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Get it while it’s hot—on so many levels: Bernie Madoff’s former $7 million Palm Beach weekend shack is up for sale through the U.S. Marshals Service.  The Marshals have packed away items such as clothing, artistic birds nests mounted in the living room rafters, along with statues, figurines and paintings of bulls, explaining “We’ve taken away things that screamed Bernie Madoff.”  Good luck with that.  [Bloomberg]

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Glenn Beck’s lawyers are now on the public prowl for “defamatory domains” involving their client, spurred on by the recent creation of “GlennBeckRapedandMurderedaYoungGirlin1990.com,” the site that promotes for parody purposes the false rumor that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990.   Never heard of it until now?  Neither did we.  Nice job, lawyers.  [Gawker]