News Roundup 11.11.09

So, we drop off the radar here at the SHJ Hot News desk for a few short days (OK, fine, a few more than a few), and we’re welcomed back with stories of an S&M-loving lady lawyer living in Russia, a sex-tape-loving lady monster living in California, a legal bitchslap for Glenn Beck, a legal lovetap for Obama’s healthcare bill, a historically humiliating day for the Justice Department and a low point for Big Law associates everywhere, courtesy of Cravath.  Clearly, we need to drop off the radar more often.

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And you thought beauty queens couldn’t get any classier than Carrie the Good Masturbating Christian Prejean. Obviously, you haven’t met England’s own Rachel Christie, the reigning Miss England who was forced to give up her crown after being arrested for starting a brawl in a nightclub with another beauty queen.  [Brisbane Times]

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Eight words you probably never thought you’d hear: “Bernie Madoff’s wooden duck decoy can be yours.” We’re not kidding—on either front.  [Gawker]

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Just when the public had run out of things to mock about Joe Halderman, David Letterman’s failed exortionist, his lawyer goes and files a motion to dismiss the case against him on the theory that Halderman was just trying to pitch Dave a screenplay, arguing that Halderman’s conduct was nothing but “a pure commercial transaction.”  Let the mocking resume.  [Popsquire]

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No, there’s no such thing as too many sex tapes in one week.  Although J.Lo would likely disagree.  A California judge shut down the singer’s ex-husband, Ojani Noa, from distributing a soft-core “movie” about his famous ex called ”How I Married Jennifer Lopez: The J.Lo and Ojani Noa Story,” which features racy footage from the pair’s 1997 honeymoon.  ”She is not being fair,” Noa griped after hearing the judge’s ruling, “She’s trying to stop me from moving on with my life.”  Which seems to be working out well for Noa so far.  [NY Post]

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One of the pros of having Justice Kennedy speak at your high-school assembly: You get to have…Justice  Kennedy speaking at your high-school assembly.  One of the cons: Good luck trying to write about it in your high-school newspaper without getting the good Justice’s publication approval first.  The kiddies over at Manhattan’s Dalton School learned the hard way.  [NY Times]

News Roundup 9.09.09

Ladies, keep hope alive: After more than a decade of legal separation, Hugh Hefner is seeking an official return to full-fledged bachelor status. The 83-year-old Playboy founder filed for divorce on Friday from his wife and former Playmate, Kimberly.  [HuffPost]

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The people have spoken.  The Douchiest Law School has officially been crowned.  Tucker Max fans, rejoice.  [Above the Law]

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Kissing is now banned in some parts of France.  Blame the swine. [BBC]

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Think that Nino Scalia and Ricky Martin have nothing in common?  Think again. [NYT]

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Speaking of the Supremes, a new Gallup poll has found that half of Americans believe the court is “about right” ideologically, representing an all-time high and an increase of 7% over last year.  It remains unclear to what extent Ricky Martin influenced the results.  [ABA Journal]

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Get it while it’s hot—on so many levels: Bernie Madoff’s former $7 million Palm Beach weekend shack is up for sale through the U.S. Marshals Service.  The Marshals have packed away items such as clothing, artistic birds nests mounted in the living room rafters, along with statues, figurines and paintings of bulls, explaining “We’ve taken away things that screamed Bernie Madoff.”  Good luck with that.  [Bloomberg]

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Glenn Beck’s lawyers are now on the public prowl for “defamatory domains” involving their client, spurred on by the recent creation of “GlennBeckRapedandMurderedaYoungGirlin1990.com,” the site that promotes for parody purposes the false rumor that Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990.   Never heard of it until now?  Neither did we.  Nice job, lawyers.  [Gawker]

News Roundup 9.07.09

Sweeter and Hotter!

No, you’re not hallucinating; we’re rolling out a new site design today for your Labor Day pleasure.  Your favorite columns are still here, but there will be a few more features coming down the pike to make your daily dose of Sweet Hot Justice a little sweeter, a little hotter, a little more…justicey.  Drop a line to let us know what you think.  Enjoy. [Sweet Hot Justice—Contact Us]

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Just when you thought the occasionally bisexual, inflatable reality-TV star Tila Tequila had hung up her pasties and settled down behind a picket-white fence somewhere in New Jersey, this happens: NFL star Todd Shawne Merriman has been arrested for choking the demi-star of MTV’s short-lived “A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila.”  Merriman’s attorney was quoted as saying that, in allegedly assaulting girlfriend Tequila, the linebacker “essentially was doing what was appropriate under the circumstances.”  This is why lawyers aren’t publicists, folks.   [HuffPost]

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Nor, apparently, are they capable of counting.  Especially in law school.  [WSJ]

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Big Law not working out for you like you thought it should?  Break out the legos.  No, for real.  Get them out now. [National Law Journal via Law.com]

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Pathetic, humiliating and terrifying: No, that’s not the title of your firm’s latest associate satisfaction report; it’s a preview of the 477-page “Madoff Report” that the SEC’s inspector general released on Friday detailing how the SEC missed more red flags than even Christo would know what to do with when in their investigation of Bernie Madoff over the past several years.  Mortifying, yes, but hey, at least these guys aren’t in charge of regulating the country’s financial institutions because, Christ, if they were, this country would be in some serious—  Oh.  Right.  [WSJ]

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The downside of working on Labor Day:  You’re working on Labor Day.  The upside of working on Labor Day: After last week, it’s a pretty safe bet that at least a few dozen associates at Kirkland, Baker Botts, Sonnenschein, Fish & Richardson, Cooley and more would be more than happy to trade places with you.  [Above the Law]