News Roundup 12.10.09

We could tell you the context in which Larry Flynt used the phrase “boob element” when testifying in front of a Los Angeles judge this week.  Or we could just let you guess.  [LA Times]

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A hairy naked Republican who once posed crotch-and-center in Cosmo has won the Republican nomination for the late Ted Kennedy’s US Senate seat.  Cue the rolling.  As in “over in his grave.”  [Gawker]

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Actual headline from the AP: “Florida woman accused of hitting man with raw steak.”  Yes, yes—you’re welcome. According to a County Sheriff’s Office report, the man told deputies that 53-year-old Elsie Egan “repeatedly hit him with the uncooked meat and slapped his face after he refused a piece of sliced bread. The man said he wanted a bread roll.”  [AP via Forbes]

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At least a few second-year associates are getting $70,000  bonuses this year.  Yes, you read that right.  No, the bonuses don’t involve a time machine.  And no again, they’re not coming from where you’d think.  [Above the Law]

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Singer, writer, producer and child porn connoisseur  R. Kelly has announced that he’s working on a memoir that will “tell it like it is.”   The autobiography is scheduled for release in 2011 and is as of yet untitled.  Hm.  We have a few suggestions.  [A.V. Club]

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Think you might be laid off soon?  Try to nab a quick jury duty gig as soon as possible.  Just ask this Miami security guard who was just awarded $150,000 after she served a three-day stint as a juror in a South Florida murder trial—and was promptly fired by her employer.  Bring on that civic duty!  [Miami Herald]

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News Roundup 12.2.09

Leave it to a lawyer to come up with the least sexy name imaginable for a law-firm version of a casting couch.  Behold: the “Couch of Restitution.”    Really, if you’re going to go through the effort of offering to accept sexual favors in exchange for legal fees—as the recently suspended Couch-coining lawyer in Michigan just did—at least come up with a snappier name for it for when you get busted.  [ABA Journal]

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Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson has been arrested for grand theft for stealing jewelry, shoes, underwear and clothes from a supermodel ex-BFF—oh, and for leaving a used vibrator in her bed.    [Gawker via NY Post]

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In an apparent attempt to polish up the firm’s (lucite-heeled) white (patent-leather platform) shoe image, a recent lawsuit has revealed that the powers that be at Seyfarth Shaw sent around an email to all Los Angeles partners imploring them to “hustle for cash like you’ve never done before.”   [Above the Law]

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Love getting all your daily news through Google?   Well, then you’re probably not going to love this.  [NY Times]

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In a shocking, disturbing twist, news is just starting to leak that Obama party-crashers Tareq and Michaele Salahi may actually have lied about other public events in their lives, including their “signature social event,” the Land Rover America’s Polo cup, which apparently was neither sponsored by Land Rover nor as profitable as they claimed.  See?  Aren’t you glad you were sitting down?  [Washington Post]

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If you were hoping to connect with a few sex offender types on Facebook or MySpace, you’re now out of luck, thanks to NY Attorney General, Andrew Cuomo.  [NY Mag Daily Intel]

News Roundup 9.15.09

We know, we know:  After today’s ruling, we don’t know what to do with that file folder of hooker and porn receipts anymore, either.   Thanks a lot, tax court.  [TaxProf Blog]

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A California writer is fighting to get a measure on the ballot to ban divorce.  He’s collecting signatures for the California Protection of Marriage Act, which he describes as the ”logical extension of Proposition 8.”  If passed, would make divorce illegal in California.  And yes, he’s joking.   Sort of.  [HuffPost]

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The recession is over.  The recession is over?  If you ask Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke, it is—from “a technical perspective,” at least.  Hell, we’ll take it.   [Daily Beast]

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Your government has spoken: “You Lie” Congressman Joe Wilson deemed an official douchebag by the House of Representatives today.  [Politico]

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Want to spend your days mingling with billionaire clients draped in exotic hardware and bold, fashion-forward colors?  Go work for the public defender—in Dallas, at least.  Because (former) billionaire banker and world-class scam artist ‘Sir’ Allen Stanford has been ordered a public defender in his $7 billion investor fraud case after running out of cash for a real attorney.  [ABC News]