News Roundup 12.10.09

December 10, 2009

We could tell you the context in which Larry Flynt used the phrase “boob element” when testifying in front of a Los Angeles judge this week.  Or we could just let you guess.  [LA Times]

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A hairy naked Republican who once posed crotch-and-center in Cosmo has won the Republican nomination for the late Ted Kennedy’s US Senate seat.  Cue the rolling.  As in “over in his grave.”  [Gawker]

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Actual headline from the AP: “Florida woman accused of hitting man with raw steak.”  Yes, yes—you’re welcome. According to a County Sheriff’s Office report, the man told deputies that 53-year-old Elsie Egan “repeatedly hit him with the uncooked meat and slapped his face after he refused a piece of sliced bread. The man said he wanted a bread roll.”  [AP via Forbes]

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At least a few second-year associates are getting $70,000  bonuses this year.  Yes, you read that right.  No, the bonuses don’t involve a time machine.  And no again, they’re not coming from where you’d think.  [Above the Law]

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Singer, writer, producer and child porn connoisseur  R. Kelly has announced that he’s working on a memoir that will “tell it like it is.”   The autobiography is scheduled for release in 2011 and is as of yet untitled.  Hm.  We have a few suggestions.  [A.V. Club]

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Think you might be laid off soon?  Try to nab a quick jury duty gig as soon as possible.  Just ask this Miami security guard who was just awarded $150,000 after she served a three-day stint as a juror in a South Florida murder trial—and was promptly fired by her employer.  Bring on that civic duty!  [Miami Herald]

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News Roundup 11.13.09

November 14, 2009

It was only a matter of time before dragon-eyed baby farmer Jon Gosselin found himself a new lawyer—and that time is now, apparently.  In the latest installment in his kids’ future rehab story-circles, Gosselin has filed a $5 million lawsuit against the TLC network, claiming that its representatives damaged his reputation and career by preventing him from working with other media outlets.  Yep, that’s what did all that damage.  [People]

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Speaking of Parents of the Year, Colorado’s own Richard and Mayumi Heene, parents of the vomit-prone (never-went-in-a-) ballon boy are  reportedly pleading guilty today to the felony charge of attempting to influence a public servant in connection with their flying saucer hoax.  The apparent motivation for the plea was the likely deportation of Mayumi, a Japanese citizen, if the case proceeded to trial.  As the Heene’s lawyer explained, a deportation “would have put the family at grave risk of seeing a loving, caring, compassionate wife and mother ripped from the family and deported.”   Fair point.  Whatever would the kids do without all that caring.  [Huffington Post]

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“Mamas Don’t Let Your Babies Grow Up to Be Lawyers.”   No, it’s not some weak joke; it’s the actual name of a new study by a Vanderbilt law school professor debating whether a law degree—a degree that demands three years of your time, $200K of your money and every waking minute of your life thereafter if you plan to work in the only kind of legal job that will actually allow you to pay back your tuition for said degree—is a good idea.  Guess how that debate shakes out?  [WSJ Law Blog]

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One of the downsides of murdering a famous person: Your name just might show up on the Interwebs.  Sorry.  Apparently two Germans convicted of killing an actor in 1990 never quite figured that out; they’re now suing Wikipedia’s parent in an effort to force the online encyclopedia to remove their names from an English-language entry about their crime. [ABA Journal]

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If you were holding out hope that kids today aren’t shooting each other over things like 40-cent chicken wing promotions, you’re not going to like this.  [NY Times]

News Roundup 11.11.09

November 11, 2009

So, we drop off the radar here at the SHJ Hot News desk for a few short days (OK, fine, a few more than a few), and we’re welcomed back with stories of an S&M-loving lady lawyer living in Russia, a sex-tape-loving lady monster living in California, a legal bitchslap for Glenn Beck, a legal lovetap for Obama’s healthcare bill, a historically humiliating day for the Justice Department and a low point for Big Law associates everywhere, courtesy of Cravath.  Clearly, we need to drop off the radar more often.

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And you thought beauty queens couldn’t get any classier than Carrie the Good Masturbating Christian Prejean. Obviously, you haven’t met England’s own Rachel Christie, the reigning Miss England who was forced to give up her crown after being arrested for starting a brawl in a nightclub with another beauty queen.  [Brisbane Times]

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Eight words you probably never thought you’d hear: “Bernie Madoff’s wooden duck decoy can be yours.” We’re not kidding—on either front.  [Gawker]

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Just when the public had run out of things to mock about Joe Halderman, David Letterman’s failed exortionist, his lawyer goes and files a motion to dismiss the case against him on the theory that Halderman was just trying to pitch Dave a screenplay, arguing that Halderman’s conduct was nothing but “a pure commercial transaction.”  Let the mocking resume.  [Popsquire]

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No, there’s no such thing as too many sex tapes in one week.  Although J.Lo would likely disagree.  A California judge shut down the singer’s ex-husband, Ojani Noa, from distributing a soft-core “movie” about his famous ex called “How I Married Jennifer Lopez: The J.Lo and Ojani Noa Story,” which features racy footage from the pair’s 1997 honeymoon.  “She is not being fair,” Noa griped after hearing the judge’s ruling, “She’s trying to stop me from moving on with my life.”  Which seems to be working out well for Noa so far.  [NY Post]

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One of the pros of having Justice Kennedy speak at your high-school assembly: You get to have…Justice  Kennedy speaking at your high-school assembly.  One of the cons: Good luck trying to write about it in your high-school newspaper without getting the good Justice’s publication approval first.  The kiddies over at Manhattan’s Dalton School learned the hard way.  [NY Times]

News Roundup 10.6.09

October 6, 2009

It’s not every day that a United States Supreme Court Justice pitches the idea of a “Human Sacrifice Channel.”  Today was that day.  [CNN]

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Are you an associate at one of the country’s bigger lawyer factories?  Are you looking for something new and exciting to be pissed off about when it comes to your salary?  Well, here you go.  [WSJ Law Blog]

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Note to the geniuses over at Ralph Lauren:  If you’re going to create a print ad featuring a model so over-Photoshopped that her head is actually bigger than her pelvis, some blogger, somewhere, is probably gonna notice it.  And blog about it.  And reprint that image…which no one will notice and/or care about until you sue that blogger for copyright infringement. Nice work.  [Boing Boing]

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Meet Orly Taitz, DDS, Esq.  Yes, DDS, Esq.—she’s a practicing dentist and an attorney.  Oh, and a foaming-at-the-mouth lunatic.  Hm, didn’t see that one coming.  [Washington Post]

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Tom Cruise goes to law school.   [Above the Law]

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Wondering how to have that pesky DUI expunged from your record forever?  Just make sure to rant like a maniac during the arrest and make as many sexist and anti-semitic comments as possible.  We can’t make you any promises, but hey, it worked for Mel Gibson earlier today.  [Radar Online]

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Joyce Poster-Lederman, the NY couples therapist who allegedly attacked her husband—also a shrink—with knives and was subsequently banned from the couple’s Upper West Side home, has been allowed to return home to her husband, the Manhattan DA’s office reported today.  The reason for the prosecutor’s sudden change of heart?  Poster-Lederman has apparently been undergoing therapy.  Ah.  [NY Post]

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Freebiegate, Part I: In a new ruling handed down yesterday, the FTC is now requiring bloggers who review products to disclose their connections with advertisers, including any free swag and payment received.   [New York Times]

News Roundup 9.08.09

September 8, 2009

Do you have a legal secretary?  Do you let her use your corporate Amex card?  Did she rack up over $40,000 on it to fly a few “erotic male dancers” to Puerto Rico for a private party for her secret male stripper/escort business?  Well, then, you’re not alone. [Above the Law]

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It was announced today that New Line Cinema and the heirs of J.R.R. Tolkien have settled a lawsuit over profits from the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy, clearing the way for a two-film prequel based on Tolkien’s novel “The Hobbit.”  J.K. Rowling, take notes.  [Huff Post]

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Skadden to…$100??  The ABA Journal reports on a law firm consultant who’s heralding the new age of Big Law salaries—which should be slashed down to around $100,000 – $125,000 if law firms know what’s good for them, he argues.  Just in time for Fall OCI.  [ABA Journal]

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How not to get an assistant gig in Hollywood—or an invite to the premier of “Oceans 14.” [TMZ]

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Another day, another hooker trying to thwart Elliot Spitzer’s self-proclaimed comeback.  Oh, and this one’s even thinking of serving herself up for political office.  Among other things, no doubt. [Gawker]

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Getting set for your next jewelry-stealing spree?  Make sure to dig up all the marijuana in your front yard before you hit the town.  Just ask this guy.  [CBS News]