News Roundup 1.15.10

January 15, 2010

NBC executron Dick Ebersol took time earlier today to fuel the latest Jay vs. Conan fire, calling out his network’s own Conan O’Brien for being a “chicken-hearted,” “gutless” failure.  On an unrelated note, highlights from NBC’s recent remake of Knight Rider are available for download here.  [NY Times]

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Recent reports have confirmed: When you submit that unsolicited manuscript to the nearest publisher/ agent/ fame-making media machine, the terrorists win.  Don’t say we didn’t warn you.  [WSJ Online]

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How do you spell “excitement” if you’re a futures trader in Chicago?  Nose-biting and fist fights, apparently.  As if you didn’t already know that.  [Dealbreaker]

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You thought the waves of major law firm layoffs were over.  You were wrong.  [ABA Journal]

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In a related story, early reports suggest that, despite the global economic reign of fire that burned through Big Law over the past year, profits per partner remained  strong in 2009.  See?  All those associate layoffs had a silver lining, didn’t they, kids?  No?  [Above the Law]

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Still haven’t locked down a new job?   Wondering what it might be like to work in a mansion…naked?  Well, polish up your boobs resume, kids, because Hef’s apparently taking applications.  [Huff Post]

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Speaking of job hunting, it looks like the top spot in Apple’s legal department just flew open.  After just 18 months lawyering at the altar of all things tech sexy, the company’s general counsel, Charles Charnas, has officially left.  No word yet on where he’s heading—or who’s taking over the top spot.   [Law.com]

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Just when you were thinking Times Square would be that much better if only it were filled with a rotating 30-foot-tall display of headshots of the FBI’s most wanted fugitives, your wish comes true.  You’re welcome.  [Gawker]

News Roundup 12.10.09

December 10, 2009

We could tell you the context in which Larry Flynt used the phrase “boob element” when testifying in front of a Los Angeles judge this week.  Or we could just let you guess.  [LA Times]

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A hairy naked Republican who once posed crotch-and-center in Cosmo has won the Republican nomination for the late Ted Kennedy’s US Senate seat.  Cue the rolling.  As in “over in his grave.”  [Gawker]

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Actual headline from the AP: “Florida woman accused of hitting man with raw steak.”  Yes, yes—you’re welcome. According to a County Sheriff’s Office report, the man told deputies that 53-year-old Elsie Egan “repeatedly hit him with the uncooked meat and slapped his face after he refused a piece of sliced bread. The man said he wanted a bread roll.”  [AP via Forbes]

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At least a few second-year associates are getting $70,000  bonuses this year.  Yes, you read that right.  No, the bonuses don’t involve a time machine.  And no again, they’re not coming from where you’d think.  [Above the Law]

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Singer, writer, producer and child porn connoisseur  R. Kelly has announced that he’s working on a memoir that will “tell it like it is.”   The autobiography is scheduled for release in 2011 and is as of yet untitled.  Hm.  We have a few suggestions.  [A.V. Club]

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Think you might be laid off soon?  Try to nab a quick jury duty gig as soon as possible.  Just ask this Miami security guard who was just awarded $150,000 after she served a three-day stint as a juror in a South Florida murder trial—and was promptly fired by her employer.  Bring on that civic duty!  [Miami Herald]

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News Roundup 10.28.09

October 28, 2009

How badly do you want to go to the World Series?   Badly enough to post an ad on Craigslist offering sex for World Series tix—only to get arrested hours later when the cops “answer” your ad?  Well, then you don’t want to go nearly as badly as this diehard Phillies fan.  Slacker.  [NBC Philadelphia]

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The New York Times offers new insight into the inner workings of law firm managers’ minds when they decide who gets laid off and who get to stay.  According to a “Washington lawyer friend” of the op-ed columnist,  “[L]awyers who were used to just showing up and having work handed to them were the first to go because with the bursting of the credit bubble, that flow of work just isn’t there. But those who have the ability to imagine new services, new opportunities and new ways to recruit work were being retained. They are the new untouchables.”  Funny, that’s JUST how it went down in my firm.  What’s the billing code for “imagining” again?  [NYT]

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Fraud?  By the Church of Scientology?  The group that routinely pressures its members to fork over as much money as they can afford and believes that an intergalactic warlord named Xenu is responsible for infusing us all with soul pieces?  I know, we didn’t believe it at first either.  But rest assured, at least in the eyes of the Paris court who convicted the cult church of fraud on Tuesday and fined it more than half a million euros, Scientology’s got some ‘splainin’ to do.  [WSJ Law Blog]

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Not surprising:  There’s been a rash of break-ins to celebrity homes in Los Angeles recently, including the lairs of Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan and Orlando Bloom.  Surprising: Those responsible for the alleged robberies are a band of teenage girls obsessed with clothing and jewelry.   According to police, the enterprising ladies “studied” celeb magazines, television shows, and websites to pick out what clothing they wanted, cased the homes and stole their chosen items.  Ah, who says the American teens never study?  [Fashionista]

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Lady lawyers:  Bad at rainmaking or good at…realizing that the time you spend rainmaking could be spend making (more) money for yourself in a job that doesn’t expect you to work 3,000 hours a year?  [Above the Law]

News Roundup 9.07.09

September 7, 2009

Sweeter and Hotter!

No, you’re not hallucinating; we’re rolling out a new site design today for your Labor Day pleasure.  Your favorite columns are still here, but there will be a few more features coming down the pike to make your daily dose of Sweet Hot Justice a little sweeter, a little hotter, a little more…justicey.  Drop a line to let us know what you think.  Enjoy. [Sweet Hot Justice—Contact Us]

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Just when you thought the occasionally bisexual, inflatable reality-TV star Tila Tequila had hung up her pasties and settled down behind a picket-white fence somewhere in New Jersey, this happens: NFL star Todd Shawne Merriman has been arrested for choking the demi-star of MTV’s short-lived “A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila.”  Merriman’s attorney was quoted as saying that, in allegedly assaulting girlfriend Tequila, the linebacker “essentially was doing what was appropriate under the circumstances.”  This is why lawyers aren’t publicists, folks.   [HuffPost]

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Nor, apparently, are they capable of counting.  Especially in law school.  [WSJ]

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Big Law not working out for you like you thought it should?  Break out the legos.  No, for real.  Get them out now. [National Law Journal via Law.com]

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Pathetic, humiliating and terrifying: No, that’s not the title of your firm’s latest associate satisfaction report; it’s a preview of the 477-page “Madoff Report” that the SEC’s inspector general released on Friday detailing how the SEC missed more red flags than even Christo would know what to do with when in their investigation of Bernie Madoff over the past several years.  Mortifying, yes, but hey, at least these guys aren’t in charge of regulating the country’s financial institutions because, Christ, if they were, this country would be in some serious—  Oh.  Right.  [WSJ]

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The downside of working on Labor Day:  You’re working on Labor Day.  The upside of working on Labor Day: After last week, it’s a pretty safe bet that at least a few dozen associates at Kirkland, Baker Botts, Sonnenschein, Fish & Richardson, Cooley and more would be more than happy to trade places with you.  [Above the Law]